Goodbye For Now, But Not Forever.

For any reader who happens to come across this post in the next twelve hours or so, I've decided to take my blog private.  It has nothing to do with being paranoid about someone finding it or the usual reasons I read that people take their blogs offline or delete them, which I'm not about to do.  The reason I started this blog was to journal - for me alone.  For a long time now, while yes, I do journal for myself, what I'm feeling, what I'm doing, and as honestly as I can, there is always in the back of mind the gnawing notion that other people may be reading it.  When they do, what do they need to know?  What back stories do I need to tell for them to understand...etc.  Sometimes just explaining myself to someone who may be reading my blog gets in the way of writing about how I am feeling, which is why I started this journal - to get how I'm feeling out on "paper" to analyze - work through it, read it back and see if I can figure out what's going on in my head.  To go back in time if I feel depressed manic, etc., and see when it started, how it started, but it's gotten away from that.

Not only that, but it's just annoying to check my email and find advertisers wanting me to put links to their things on my blog, or take a free book if I write a blog entry about it, or let them write a guest post, which, I can only guess, is to plug something - a product, their passion, their idea, to an audience that they *think* I have, but actually, I really don't.  That's not what my blog is about.  Also, I don't want to be an advocate for anything, I'm touched that someone has read my blog at one point and thought of me when putting together a blog list on some health website, but I don't deserve to be there.  People who teach other people to live with mental illnesses should be there, not me.  I don't even talk about being bipolar that often anymore.   

All it is supposed to be is a diary, like when you're a teenager in high school.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I bared my soul in those 3-ring pages because I didn't know any better, there was no other way, no anonymity of the internet back then. 

The flip side is the comments, which have been awesome.  They have been supportive, they have let me know I am not alone, they have bared their own souls to me, I've made online friends through them, and I've even disagreed with people, but I find that to be a positive, too.  Even through disagreeing, I was able to see someone else's point of view, and maybe I didn't see things the same way, I can't think of a single time that someone wasn't able to show me the reasons for their way of thinking and my then gaining a new perspective of an issue. 

So, for anyone who reads this, if anyone does, before I go private, thanks for reading, and I'm sure eventually I'll go public again.  I just need to get back to remembering how to write for me, and just me.

If you've gotten to know me through my blog, I wish I could have gotten to know you just as well. 

4 comments:

Unknown said...

I can understand and greatly respect your desire to go back to private with your writings. But before I am unable to comment further, I must take a moment and thank you for your writings. Last year was the first time that my husband experienced me in a full blown bi-polar episode (my meds were no longer working and the docs were searching for a new formula). At the time I was unable to express myself to him and as a result he had a hard time understanding how I was processing the world around me. After he found your blog, we both started reading it. And as a result, your writings were able to help him gain insight and thereby extra patience when trying to deal with my extreme behaviors (both the ups and the downs). I can safely say that your writings was one of the things that help keep our marriage strong while I was so sick. And for that I thank you very much.

KansasSunflower said...

Wow, thanks for sharing that with me! I really do forget people read my blog, and I mean actually read it, not just a single post about some medication they were searching for. Your husband must love you very much if he was on the internet looking for answers to understand what you were going through and how you felt. And I know it's so hard to describe to someone how you're feeling, what you're going through, which is another reason I blog - to try and figure myself out! : ) I'm very happy things worked out with you and your husband - bipolar people are hard to live with I know, but if we do everything we can to stay healthy, which is all we can do, I think we're pretty awesome packages because we do feel so much, we are so passionate, loving, and empathetic. At least that's what I tell myself. : )

Molly said...

Kansas, even though their are times we may disagree :) I think it's so wonderful that unknown wrote the above. And I love your reply :) We don't always know the impact we make on people's lives w/out even knowing we are doing it. So the next time you're down in the dumps. Come back and read these comments :)

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Molly! : ) That's a great idea - to come back and read Unknown's comments - it took me by surprise! My blog must sound so depressing and full of self pity. I'm just trying to figure it all out - perhaps we all are in some way? : )

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