Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I really don't understand, it's probably fear of the unknown, and waiting, but I'm really struggling with it.  I have constant anxiety that just won't go away.  Mark said he has anxiety too, but if he was feeling what I'm feeling, I think he would be talking about it a lot more and I would see him struggling with his inner fears.

I heard the song "Homesick" by MercyMe on the radio on my way to school, and it made me cry.  I listened to it just now, and it made me cry.  I've heard it so many times before with no reaction.  I'm not even sure why I relate to it so much, but it really hits me hard for whatever I'm feeling.  Yes, I know this could be chemical, but I still don't think it is.  But perhaps it's starting to get to the point where I need to see my psychiatrist.  I don't want to be someone who thinks that every time I have turbulence in my life it can be fixed with a drug.  I know that if I try something new, it will come with new side effects, and they won't be good.  So in weighing the pros and cons of running to my psychiatrist right now would weigh more on the con side.

I've been complaining over and over that my old friends don't want to get together.  Now one of my old friends asked me just last week when I was going to come and see her, and I didn't respond.  What is wrong with me?  I complain about it, then when given the opportunity, I don't take it.  No wonder they must get fed up with me.  I start feeling insecure about myself, not having seen them in awhile, and unsure of myself.  I should take her up on the offer.  Definitely.  I will.  At least, I'll try.  I'll try to gather the courage to do it.

Here's the song Homesick:



allisonsaja said...

Every post is relatable. You are not alone.

In the Pink said...

I think I can understand why this song touches you so. It is as if you are homesick for the old you who had a more social life before your illness took such a strong hold on you. IDK? Does that seem right? I hope you find within yourself all that is positive and good and remember that is what your friends see in you when they call to hang out. They are not focusing on flaws they to may be homesick for you. xoxo

Gledwood said...

I used to have a friend who had panic attacks and she just looked like she felt really ill.

To me, anxiety is by far the worst mental condition you can go through and yet it barely shows. And doctors NEVER take it seriously.

I hope it goes away soon :-)

Gledwood said...

O wow it let me comment. I haven't commented for ages because the BROWSER I was using wouldn't let me through!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Alisonsaja. (hugs) : )

KansasSunflower said...

In the Pink - yes, maybe, IDK either. Definitely what you said is true, and I hope they feel that way about me! I do really miss that social part of me before I got sick so many years ago. I've never been the same, actually.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Gledwood. : ) You're right, often they don't take it seriously, but I find it hard to express to them in words how it feels. And then - what my doctor has prescribed for it in the past isn't acceptable for me right now. Seroquel, Geoden - nope, not going back to that place!

I hope it goes away soon too. : )

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