I Think I Figured It Out

Mark told me what the relocation package to Chicago is today from his employer, and I fell apart.  I've been feeling extremely anxious for awhile now which is one of the reasons I took my blog private.  I thought maybe I couldn't put down what was bothering me because wasn't being honest enough with myself in fear of other people reading it. It's a process I use often to work through what is bothering me when I don't understand it.

But it didn't work.  I was still incredibly anxious, and was racking my brain as to why.  I knew it had something to do with moving, but what?  Over the last several months, Mark and I have been researching suburbs where we should move, and he keeps changing his mind.  I'll think that we've decided on one and thoroughly research it, and he'll come back a couple weeks later and say no, I've thought about it, and I think that wouldn't be the best because of this or that.  So after doing that a few times, he talked about another suburb and once again the process started and he sent to links to what I thought were crappy houses that cost almost twice as much as the ones we were looking at in other areas because of their location. 

I cried on the way to school this morning, I fought back tears in school, then I cried on the way home and Mark called when I was driving home.  I let him have it - how I was sick of him doing that, thinking that was the cause of my anxiety, and we got into a bit of a yelling match.  It ended up that we just decided that we processed things differently - his way is doing thorough research before actually making a final decision and that's how he would process it, I would process it my way, which was to basically show up to a realtor, tell them what I was looking for, then research the neighborhood if I found a house I liked.  I knew his way was probably better, to be better informed, but it was the only way I could handle it emotionally.

So after he called me and told me what the relocation package would be, I just broke down and started crying.  I was hoping this whole ordeal would be over with in a month, but now it looks like it is going to take quite awhile.  So I'm left in limbo, not knowing when I'll be in Chicago and how much longer I'll be here.  It's basically whenever our house sells, but it's all very complicated with the company buying the house once we have a buyer for a tax break, then having a certain dollar amount for temporary housing so we'll have to hurry and find a new house right away.  And a lot of other details, but basically everything is taken care of.

So I was crying when he was telling me this, I guess disappointed because they weren't just outright buying the house and I was left in limbo until who knows when, not really knowing why I was feeling so anxious about it that it made me cry, when I mentioned to Mark that I just wanted to feel secure and I didn't feel that way.  I was really trying to explain how I was feeling to him, which is so hard when you don't know why you feel the way you do except to say "I feel anxious", "I feel depressed", and you know there may actually be no reason, it could be a chemical imbalance.

But he jumped on what I said, about not feeling secure, and made me talk more about that.  Then the memories started coming back - when I was growing up of my parents being evicted several times and the uncertainty of where we were going to go.  He started saying things that seemed ridiculous, but at the same time, it was addressing my fears.  Like how I was safe, he would take care of me, I would always have a place to live (and Bailey, my dog too, ha!  He knows how much I freaking love that little dog!).  He said the garage wasn't going to blow up and hadn't blown up forcing an eviction, we were safe and it was going to be even better when we were together all the time, in a nicer house than what we have now.  And also the houses that I thought were crappy houses that he sent to me to look at - he was shocked that I thought that.  They were like "dream homes" to him, and I had thought he had decided we were settling for crap to live in a good location. 

So, I finally, finally know the source of my anxiety.  It was childhood memories of not knowing where we were going to live, not feeling any security.  I really started crying when I figured out what it was and the memories came back because I'd been feeling it for months now.  It doesn't mean that I feel so much better knowing that.  I don't know how I'm going to feel about all of this until our house sells which we aren't even putting on the market until January.    I feel very vulnerable and kind of broken, definitely anxious, and I don't know how to just get it off my mind. 

I could go to my psychiatrist who would make a med change, but is that the answer?  I could go to counseling, but is that the answer?  To probe into it right now and make it worse before it gets better (which is how it seems like it works to me)?  I don't know, I can't even pretend to have the answers.

So...it makes me pretty mad that Jerry Sandusky's wife dismisses her son's accusation of his dad molesting him as being "bipolar off his meds".  I got to thinking about that.  If he grew up being molested by his dad, hell yes he's probably bipolar!  Just because he's bipolar doesn't mean what he's saying isn't the truth.  Who wouldn't be messed up mentally after going through something like that?  I used to think people with bipolar disorder were a product of their environment, because I've been in the psych ward and in group counseling with other people who are bipolar, and they didn't seem to have the rosiest of childhoods.  They were actually pretty terrifying.  But now I think that perhaps it's a product of both - environment and biological.  Maybe you're born a certain way, but nothing ever triggers it in your lifetime.  Then for others, maybe they have bad childhoods and it triggers that part of their brain later in life.  And for others, something in adulthood triggers it.  I don't know, just a theory.  Or perhaps I've just named every scenario that could exist for every person on earth that may or may not be bipolar.  (??)

So..that's it.  That's what's been "freaking me out".  I don't know what to do with it, but I think being self aware has to be the first step?     

2 comments:

In the Pink said...

I can definitely relate to the anxiety surrounding having a stable place to live. I won't go into my dirty details but I feel where you are coming from. I think a therapist may be the best thing to help you discover some coping and understanding of your current situation. As far as Bipolar goes....I think it is in your DNA but I can't be sure. But also I believe trauma can escalate the symptoms of Bipolar illness. I really do hope all turns out smoother than you are imagining. xoxo

KansasSunflower said...

In the Pink - I am really sorry you can relate to having a stable place to live! Yes, counseling is probably the best option. I have marriage counseling coming up, I thought I'd just mention it there since we'll be talking about the move anyway and see what happens. I agree with you on your assessment of bipolar - because some people do have horrible childhoods, yet they don't end up becoming bipolar, so it has to already be in your DNA, right? Thanks for listening. : ) (hug)

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