Let's Get Down To It Now

So, I just made my blog private.  I hope I can learn to write for myself again and not worry about what others are thinking, if I need to explain things, and be more open.  I said I wasn't, but I really did worry about who was reading it, if anyone had found me, mainly Mark's sister.  She's so sour, so negative, yet I know she's not really.  I saw her with Mark's cousin's wife, and she was happy with her, friendly, like a nice person, laughing and joking, yet she's never been that way with me.  I was like, "wow, she can actually be a good friend, I thought she was just a bitter person", but she's not.  She's just that way with me.  I don't understand it at all.  I try to shrug it off as jealousy, but I really don't know what it is.  She obviously doesn't like me, and I'm not sure if it started with the whole facebook issue, but that certainly didn't help.  Our counselor said to lower my expectations of my relationship with her, and I've tried to do that.  I've unsubscribed from her and her husband's feeds on facebook, but then I found out that her daughter was in the hospital having emergency surgery getting her appendix out, and felt horrible.  She didn't call us, but both she and her husband had posted over and over again on facebook about it, and I would have known had I not unsubscribed from them.  I sent her a message, there was nothing else I could do at that point.

I feel depressed.  Mark said I'm very emotional right now.  He said I'm crying over televisions shows, and I am, like Glee.  But they were all breaking up!  And they were singing my favorite break-up songs that I've cried to in the past!  Well, at least No Doubt, and I've never considered The Scientist's words before the way they interpreted them.

My life just seems to have no direction.  Yes, I'm in school, but graduation seems so far away and I feel so unmotivated.  Part of it is because I don't know where I'm going to be in a month, two months, three months, will I even finish the quarter in Dallas?  Will I end up dropping before it ends?  I didn't go to school today, I have anxiety all the time and have been taking extra klonipin every day, and even right now, I feel like crying. 

Mark works so hard, and I feel so damned guilty.  He's so driven, and at least now he's really enjoying his job.  But he's supporting me, and what am I doing?  I don't even clean the house - the maids do.  He created a budget, and gave me a larger spending budget monthly than himself.  Even the dog has a monthly budget.  He's so generous, and I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve anything.  I'm just not a good person.  I'm really not.

If I was a good person, where's my mother?  Where's my brother?  Why am I not closer to my Dad's family?  Why can't I forgive people?  Why don't I have friends?  Why are there no people in my life besides my husband?  Why does he even stick around?  I'm a nobody.  I have a mental illness that requires several medications daily to function, and right now, I'm not functioning so well. 

Now I'm crying.  I really needed to get this out, and take my blog offline so I could talk to someone, myself, without worrying about who would read it, who would judge me. 

I want a life.  I want a job too, to have something to look forward to - a career where I feel I'm contributing, that I'm important, that my life HAS gone somewhere, that I HAVE achieved something in my 44 years.  But I haven't, I'm stuck in school.  Yes, I know that means I have a future of something greater and I should be working harder towards that.  Maybe it's the storm before the calm.

Somehow, I need to get my act together.  I need to get motivated.  I need to pull myself together and just push through it, just do it.  I need to forget about Chicago completely because it's complicating things and making me want to put my life on hold until it happens, and who knows if and when that will happen?  It's driving me crazy not knowing, waiting, and also being home alone every day and night except for the weekends.  I need to snap out of this, and I can make myself, I know I can.  Just go through the motions, no matter how it feels.  Just do it.  Push emotion aside, cry on the way to school and on the way home, and all day at home if I have to, but do it.  Just do it.   

And I wish I could lose these last 15 pounds.  I've stopped running.  I need to just do that too.  I've become extremely lazy I guess.  Unmotivated, I guess depressed.  Maybe I should acknowledge that I've become depressed.  Who wants to admit that?  It's usually at the last minute, when I feel like hell and it's the worst ever that I realize I'm depressed.

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