Born This Way!

We went to marriage counseling last week, I think, and ugh, talked about sex again.  I brought it up - I've never brought it up intentionally but kind of in a round about way.  For example, I started talking about one issue that I didn't understand, and she said why would you think or feel that about that situation?  And I said because...and related it to another situation that I was more upset about that I wanted to talk about about than the other, I just didn't know how to come out and say it.  So, AS ALWAYS, oh my gosh!  I am upset about something, bring it up to this counselor, and what is the result from the session?  We leave and *I* have a to-do, *I* have something to change.  Yes, she gave me a book title and I downloaded it and started reading it and it's bullseye on - it is totally me and will be very helpful, BUT - I think back to my original issue, and how did that help my complaint exactly?  So, what the hell am I talking about, it's hard for me to even type.  I said no to sex one time, one freaking time because I had been sound asleep and knew he was going to get upset about it because he gets his feelings hurt so freaking easily and once I was awake enough I told him I was afraid of the consequences and he said there wouldn't be any.  But of course there were.  The next day he acted cold, and then finally he said, "You know what?  I AM mad..." and started to go on and on about this and that and blah and blah.  It's just SO tiring.  Years and years of fights.  So I told the therapist that I was upset that I couldn't say no ONE TIME and somehow it got turned around into what I wore to bed at night, that I never let my husband see me naked, what I wanted out of a sexual relationship, and how exactly did that solve my not being able to say no just one freaking time?  Maybe I'm deaf.  Maybe we discussed it and I'm only thinking about what she says *I* need to do that I'm not even listening to what she's telling him, I have no idea.  I know that he had really hurt feelings and was so sad all through the weekend until he went out of town on Monday because of whatever I said in that session, yet I was the one who left with the title of a book to read - Real Women Real Sex I think, but so far it's good (only a few pages into the first chapter though).  The last session?  She told me to read The Joy of Sex, which I had just ordered (couldn't download it) and got it just before our last session, and only because it came up in the argument that I hadn't ordered the book she asked me to in the last session.  It makes me mad, but...if anything, it is nice to have a place to just get off my chest what I'm feeling, whether or not anything comes of it.  He did hear it because he mentioned it several times afterwards, so maybe she did talk about it and I'm just really sensitive to what she's saying to me that I need to fix about myself.  I don't know, it's weird.  She said she has women come in all the time that say they love their husbands, find them sexy, etc., but say if they never had sex with them again they would be very happy and asked if I felt that way.  Uh, right in front of him!  But no, I don't feel that way.  I'm just very...shy?  Modest?  And he doesn't want me to be.  Wow, too much information when I think someone could be reading this.  I thought being bipolar was supposed to make your sex drive go into overdrive?  Has never been that way for me.  I've never very adventurous or anything.  Maybe a little curious, but not much.

So when we move, I'm going to lose my Lady Gaga concert I DVR'ed so long ago - in March.  I never paid attention to the song Born This Way before I heard this version, but when I did, I was blown away by the words!  It isn't a copy cat Madonna song like the radio version sounds at ALL - there's not a trace of Madonna to it like I thought!  Not that I don't like Madonna - I do, I had just dismissed this song is all.

Lady Gaga is awesome. : )

Born This Way - Acapella




My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are
She said, 'cause He made you perfect, babe
So hold your head up, girl and you you'll go far
Listen to me when I say
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way, born this way

Give yourself prudence and love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice of truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
I love my life, I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah
I'm beautiful in my way,'
Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Ooh, there ain't no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way
No matter gay, straight or bi
Lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive

No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

5 comments:

loonysuse said...

Lordy, your husband would throw me to the curb.

KansasSunflower said...

Loonysue, really? Do I honestly have a problem? It's me, not him?

loonysuse said...

Let me explain...I've said NO many more times than once. If I were married to your husband, he'd kick me out.

dizpair said...

Your blog is the written version of my life.

KansasSunflower said...

Oh no, dizpair! I want to say that's good, but I don't think it is!

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