Is It Over?

I posted last night that I thought I was very depressed.  I went to bed after Mark and he was asleep, but I guess he woke up and started to say something, then he said he didn't want to make me mad.  Well who is going to let someone off the hook after that?  So finally he said he didn't think our relationship was healthy.  I said "do you want to break up?" and he said, "I don't know, maybe."  I grabbed my pillows and went to the spare bedroom. I didn't cry, I was just fed up.

A long time later, maybe an hour, he came into my bedroom to talk.  He said hew as concerned that I was very depressed and thought I needed to go to the hospital.  Is he out of his mind??  I'm not suicidal, I'm totally functional, there is nothing they can do for me there.  I told him absolutely not.  He asked why had I been lashing out at him then, although I always apologized for it afterward.  I hadn't realized I had but apologized again, and asked again if we were breaking up which he replied we were, so I was done with the conversation.  Why hash out things if we're not staying together?  Who cares who said what and who feels what and why things happened the way they did if we're not staying together?  He's done that before, and my reaction has been the same which irritates him, so I don't know why he does it except that may be how he really feels, but then he shouldn't want to keep talking about it.  I have then, in my mind, cut him out of my life as far as my emotions are concerned.

Where do we stand now?  I don't know.  I'm going to the 10k race with him this morning, but I'm not running.  I can't help but think that if I finish school, I can move anywhere in the country that *I* want, not follow him to Chicago because of  him and his job.  I can move where I want because that's where I want to go for *my* career, what best for *me*, the place that *I* have chosen.  I've never done that before, but graduating from school is still a long ways off.  A couple of years probably.

I don't want to break up.  I don't want to lose Mark.  But I don't want to get threatened with this either.  I don't want to be accused by him and the counselor of the problem all the time either.

He's done showering now.  Got to stop.


Will Be Mindful Always said...

Sorry, this sounds like its not to much fun :( I wish you the best in your future direction.

KansasSunflower said...

Thank you Mindful. : )

emedoutlet said...

It seems It's not working. Both of you looking for something else, not what you are getting. I would advice you take a break for some time and see what you guys feel, experience.

Gledwood said...

Only point in going to hospital for the sake of it would be if you're feeling manic and in need of an audience... but then nothing you'd really wanna do (like rollerskate up and down the corridors, throw rubber balls everywhere etc...) would be tolerated; any misbehaviour is punished with 5 nurses wrestling you to the ground with "rapid tranquillization"... very inconvenient all said and done. So don't go! I hope you didn't go!!

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