What's Wrong With Me?

Something is wrong with me.  I feel...disheartened, disappointed, let down, unable to experience joy, I really can't explain what I feel.  I don't even feel like pretending that I feel okay, I don't care enough what people think about how I feel.  Is something chemically wrong with me and, like my mind always tries to do, is it searching for something tangible to explain it, when really, there is nothing?

Yes, the person I voted for did not win, but like I said in a previous post, I wasn't going to be totally happy no matter who won.  I wasn't 100% for either candidate, they both had very big negatives that came along with them.  So I keep wondering, is THAT it?  Am I upset about the election?  But I thought I had made myself okay with that this morning - it would be kind of cool when we move to Chicago where Obama has everything going on as president.  Not that we're moving to the actual city of Chicago - no no no no.  I refuse to live in the city of Chicago or Cook County.  There are plenty of awesome suburbs to choose from.

So then I thought about the discussion I had with my husband last night.  What he was telling me about his situation and what he was going to do about it bothered me.  I told him it sounded very manipulative and he got upset and accused me of making him feel like he wasn't a good person.  But I still feel like it is very manipulative, not that he shouldn't do what he needs to do to get ahead, I'm not in charge of his career, he is, and him getting ahead benefits me as well, but I was only looking for at least a morsel of guilt about what he was saying he was thinking he would do.  He said he felt justified, that there was nothing wrong with it.  It's made me think - how manipulative is he with me?  How calculating is he with me, how many moves ahead does he think about what he wants to get from me and how to get it, because at work, he's really thought this through.  I can think of a recent time he was manipulative, but it wasn't calculated like that, and who isn't at least a little bit manipulative in a relationship? I'm sure I am without even knowing it, and if I really thought about it, I know I could think of a time or two when I did it purposefully.  I think it's in everybody's nature, but this was so calculated, and when I pointed it out, there was no empathy, and I don't understand his inability to feel empathy, why he had to go to counseling to learn how to think about and consider empathy when thinking of people's actions and circumstances.  Sure, he has a lot or me and our dog, but I just don't see it for anyone else, and I don't understand why that is.  How can someone have no empathy? 

So now we have our marriage counseling appointment on Friday, and I really don't want to bring all of that up if I'm just in a mood and it is really nothing.  I don't want to say all of this is bothering me and make him feel horrible when in a week or a month it will mean nothing to me or I don't even feel the same way anymore.  I mean, there's a good chance that he'll take it very seriously and try to take action on it, or he'll get very mad, or the therapist will say something mean to me, who knows?  I've told her something about him that really bothered me, and *I* was the one who ended up leaving with a "to do" to change, not him, and I was so very, very angry at her and at him, and I didn't speak to him for maybe two weeks.  But at any rate, it won't all be unicorns and sunshine if I brought all this up, and I don't even know if that is what is bothering me.

It's 1:41p, I think I'll just go to bed and take a nap and forget all of it for now.  Maybe I'll wake up and feel better.  I know how unrealistic that is, but...I haven't lost hope yet, I'm not nearly that far gone yet.  I wouldn't even say I'm depressed yet.  I'm just...I don't even know what the word is that I am.  Let down, I don't know how to explain it at all.


1 comment:

Gledwood said...

You're describing anhedonia. It's supposedly a symptom of depression.

I don't believe that antipsychotics inhibit any sense of wonder or joy in me.

I think the people who complain of that are probably schizophrenic and a certain "gone-out-ness" is a feature of that illness and not ours...

I once had anhedonia for more than a year, towards the tail end of a horrible depression. I honestly thought I'd never feel happy ever... then one evening, as the sun was setting and I was staring into the sun, I felt this amazing lifting feeling that I couldn't remember feeling since childhood, and that I'd only experienced in adulthood on stuff like ecstasy... and that was the beginning of the end... (of the depression...)

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