Goodbye and Good Riddance, Week!

Finally this can stop being my "Do I have breast cancer" blog!  My doctor called and told me the results of the biopsy were not cancer, that I have fibroadenoma, and to come back in six months for a different lump that she had seen to get another sonogram on it.  I didn't ask her why or any questions about it, I just wanted to get off the phone as fast as I could!  I didn't want any more wondering or questioning or fear about my future, like wondering if I'd be able to go on vacation that we've planned in May, things like that.  NO!  Whatever, just send me a reminder card, thanks, and BYE!  This has been a truly horrible week!  It's so bizarre, I wrote a post maybe a month ago about which was worse, losing your physical health or your mental health (yes, I know mental is still physical, but you know what I mean).   Then this happens, so coincidental!

So this is good news!  Onwards and upwards!  I can go back to school in a week because my cough is gone (so ridiculous!) and the new quarter is starting, we can go on vacation in May for my husband's birthday (he never knew I was wondering if I wouldn't be able to go after he bought first class tickets).
Everything is looking up once again!

Now I feel stupid, what the hell did I do with my whole week?  Just lay around and keep myself occupied?  Doing what exactly?  I guess going back and forth to doctor's appointments, calling the tow truck, etc.  What a truly awful week that I'm glad to say - GOODBYE!



Just got home from my breast biopsy, and it wasn't quite what I expected.  The doctor made it sound like it was going to be just a simple procedure, and in retrospect, it wasn't so bad, but it was a lot more than I expected and scared me to death.

When they called my name, I expected to be led to regular patient's room, but they led me to a patient's hospital type room with its own bathroom, bed, and my own nurse.  When I saw it was that involved after she said "this will be your room", I freaked and closed the door to the bathroom and just tried to get it together for a minute.   

The nurse then went over the procedure, and I found out they were going to make an incision in the skin and do a core biopsy.  The paper I signed said "with a possible marker inserted", but then I realized on my way home that the doctor didn't mention she had put the marker in my breast for a future sonogram, and now I wonder, why not? 

Anyways, the worst part was just the ANTICIPATION of what was to come.  She numbed my breast with something that felt similar to novacaine at the dentist, and it must have worked right away because I didn't feel her cut my skin or anything.  A few loud pops later, and it was over.

So now I have this incision, I suppose it's quite small, all bandaged and I can't shower for 24 hours, lift 10 pounds, blah blah.  Not so much a big deal.  I just can't run for a few days at least is the biggest deal of it all.  She asked if I would please "double up" on sports bras if I ran Sunday.  But then she had to express her disdain of runners and bikers through her neighborhood, how they have the right of way and don't pay attention to cars.  Well, hello?  Don't pedestrians have the right of way?  So sorry she lives in such a nice area that is near a lake with a great running trail, but maybe she should have thought of that before she moved there!  She's a doctor, and she's saying how she'd rather go to the dentist and have have her teeth drilled than run or bike?  Wow!  Trust me, she could use a little running or biking.

So she's supposed to call either tomorrow or Monday with the results.  I really don't know what to think.  I'm not all worried, I won't be on pins and needles tomorrow (I don't think).  It is what it is.  But sometimes I freak out and it comes out of nowhere.  Right now I feel pretty calm about the whole thing.  But when I start thinking about the conversation I had with the nurse, her answers to my questions, I start to freak out again.

That's about it, just recording my experience for later reference.


What A Day!

Oh my gosh!  What a freaking terrible day!  Of course it started out with a stupid doctor appointment that set me on the teetering edge, but that's not what made it so bad.

I had to go back to the OB/GYN (my God when will this ever end?) because she felt a fibroid in my uterus at my last visit, and had scheduled a sonogram later because the person had been out for spring break or something.  So I went back in, and she found not one, but five.  Okay, whatever.  She told me they were benign, so I don't really care.  Third time I've had them, they've been removed before, but I don't really see a reason to do it again. 

So I go back out to the waiting room, and the nurse comes to get me.  Instead of putting me in a room, she puts me in the doctor's office in a chair behind her desk.  That freaks me out.  That's the same place she put me last time when the doctor came in and said I needed a hysterectomy and I talked her out of it a year and a half ago.  So I start panicking, thinking "My God, when will this health nightmare end?".  I'm thinking the worst, maybe it's NOT benign, as she's keeping me waiting....15 minutes....30 minutes....45 minutes....trying SO HARD not to cry, sending Mark "freak out" texts.  She finally comes in, explains the situation, and that she doesn't think we should do anything right now unless this and that happens.  So basically I monitor the situation through symptoms and if all goes well, she'll see me next year at my exam.  Whew!  So FINALLY some good information on my health.  Sort of.  I guess.  I mean, it could have been so much worse.

But that's not what was so bad.  Okay, so I was already somewhat of an emotional wreck.  And this really was my fault, because my BMW tells me when I have a tire problem, and it had been telling me for days that one of my tires had "low air" and to get it fixed asap.  But everytime I remembered that message was when I got in the car and was on the way to an appointment or early in the morning when no place was open and I couldn't get someone to check it out.  They're "run flat" tires, just too much to explain if someone doesn't know how that works, but basically, you can't tell if your tire is flat by driving on it, only if the "low air" message comes on, except, every time the "low air" message has come on in my car, I get it checked out, and it's really just been low on air, not a flat tire, so I didn't really think it was a urgent issue.  Except.  I got out of my dr.'s office, went to my car, and the tire was flat.  I thought, "well, it's a run flat, I should be able to drive it to the dealer", except I couldn't.  It was impossible.  I had driven on it being flat for too long I guess.

So, just have someone change the tire, right?  My BMW doesn't COME with a spare tire.  It has run flats!  And Mark is in Chicago, and was giving me advice over the phone the whole time, and of course "I guess you'll know next time when it says low air to take care of it" hardee har har, right?  But he felt so bad that he wasn't here to help me, and honestly?  I felt so helpless.  Not because I can't take care of myself and not because I don't know what to do, because I called roadside assistance and everything, but what made me feel really crappy is once they were on their way, I realized....I didn't feel like I had anyone to call to come pick me up and take me home.  Mark was out of town and I suddenly felt, all alone.  I started crying, really crying, and Mark was suggesting people to call and it was making it worse, I kept telling him I would call a taxi, but the car would be gone and then where would I wait for it?  He actually came up with a really good idea that worked out really well in the end, but it was a very low moment for me.

There was a hotel nearby that I didn't recognize, but when I said the name, he said "Hey, so and so has stayed there when he was in town!".  So I walked there, asked the concierge to call me a cab and gave him a big tip.  He walked me to the bar and suggested I order something to eat, and he would come and get me when the cab got there.  He did, the cab driver was so nice and friendly, and it all worked out perfectly.   Everyone could have been rude and unhelpful which would have topped off my perfectly lousy day and would have had me crying in an instant.

I think the last two weeks just all got to me today.  All of the bad news, worrying, wondering, bad luck, for about 15 minutes in the car while I waited for a tow truck in a church parking lot, I just cried and cried. 

Yes, my life could be worse, Yes, things HAVE been worse.  Yes, there are positive and good things in my life.  Yes, there are things about my life that I count myself as very lucky as having and being, etc.  But every once in awhile, things get to you, you know?

I suppose that right now that is something I should count myself as lucky.  I'm not STILL crying.  I'm not STILL depressed.  I got over it.  I picked myself up, went to the hotel, did what I needed to do, got home, and here I am, just fine.  Not exactly happy, but okay.  I can't count the number of times that I was not able to just pick myself up and move on, I would be laying in bed crying right now, unable to shake off the feelings, the depression, wanting to die, who knows?  Maybe I would have felt that way before I even went to the doctor.  Maybe I wouldn't have even gone to the doctor.  Or maybe I would have been hoping she would tell me I was dying.

So, I have been better and I have been worse.  Maybe that's just life?

So Annoying!

I had my mammogram today, and I wasn't nervous at all.  But I'm getting a little annoyed and starting to not trust what people tell me.

When my OB/GYN told me about the lump, she said it was probably nothing, not to worry about it, to get a mammogram, and on the order she wrote "possible sonogram".  So I go get the mammogram, I'm told I need a sonogram, and the lady that gave me the sonogram told me not to worry, she didn't see anything scary, but she was going to get the doctor (or whatever she is) to look at it because she made the decision.  So she came in, took her own look, and decided I needed a biopsy.  But SHE said not worry, because she thought everything was okay, but she wanted to be 100% sure it was, not just 98% sure. 

So now I go in on Thursday for the biopsy, and the doctor (or whatever she is) said it's so easy, she'll do it, send it off to the lab, then call me the next day to tell me everything is fine.  Well if she's so sure that she's going to be calling me to tell me everything is fine, why are we doing it at all?  Everybody all along the way has been telling me it's nothing, yet here I keep going through the process.

It's very annoying to be strung along like this.  If they think it's something, they should tell me and not sugar coat it.  If they don't think it's anything like they keep SAYING it's not, then let's just drop it!

Good, Healthy Day!

The last time Mark went to Chicago, he brought back a "Save Ferris" shirt for me from the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".  If you've seen the movie, you might remember that the kids at school started wearing them when they were collecting money because they thought he was so sick.  I LOVED it, and of course the movie was filmed in Chicago which is why Mark bought it there, although you can buy them on the internet.  I just thought it was a totally awesome random gift!

So today we went running at the lake, and the weather was great so there were a lot of people out running, biking, walking, cycling, and skating.  I don't usually pay a lot of attention to other people, I'm pretty lost in my own world, except for their pace.  So when a cyclist going the opposite direction from me stopped his bike blocking me, forcing me to stop, asking me what "Save Ferris" meant, I was caught off guard.  First of all, I hadn't even seen him, and second of all, who stops a runner causing them to lose momentum?  I was so worn out and was breathing heavy I could hardly think or talk, I finally found the word "movie", and then he named the movie, and I nodded.  Then he said he had thought it was "Ferris..." and then I turned around and started running again, and as I was running away, I heard behind me him saying "...Texas".  I thought later that I was probably rude, but I'm not there to make friends, and I'd never heard of Ferris, TX anyway.  I just can't imagine stopping a runner as hard as they look like they're working out.  The LAST thing a runner wants to do is STOP!  But...I guess you go to a public place, and people go there for different reasons.  I've noticed the most adorable little dogs, then notice they are with old men who are just staring at me smiling and give me the creeps.  I guess they think cute little dogs are the way to pick up women at the park these days.  But I've thought of my single friend often when I'm running.  She's in awesome shape, and I think it would be a great way for her to meet a guy, although again, you can't really stop a runner and start a conversation.  But she wants a guy who's fit, they probably want a girl who's fit and into the same activities they are, why not?  It makes sense to me, I mean, I would want that.

My poor boys (my husband and my dog) are suffering really bad from seasonal allergies.  I gave Bailey (my dog) a cortisteroid from last year, and he goes to the vet (his most hated place in the world) on Monday.  Between Bailey and I, we live in doctor's offices!

Mark and I had a good day today.  Had a good breakfast, went for a run, had a healthy lunch, then went shopping (what girl doesn't love that?) and then chilled out at home.  But now it's 5:00 am and I haven't been asleep since 1:30.  I HATE that!  I took 2 klonipin hoping it would just relax me no matter how much Mark is snoring and I would konk out and fall asleep.

Guess now is as good of a time to try than never!


4:30 a.m.!

I finally made up with my sister in law.  It feels good not to have that tension anymore of having a person in the family (at least Mark's family, I guess there's still my family) that you're not speaking to.  It was her birthday yesterday so I sent her a happy birthday message and told her how much I missed her and that I wanted us to be friends again.  Her response was awesome, so we're friends again.  We never "hung out" or called each other on the phone and chatted, but at least I can stop avoiding Mark's family at holidays now.

An old friend of mine sent an email asking if Mark and I would drive to Arkansas and one of us drive one of her cars, and I guess the other one drive the car that we drove to her house in to the place she was moving to.  I don't mind helping my friends, but this is a person that I've tried to stay in contact with and she hasn't given me the time of day in years and years.  She's been mad at me for things that happened as a teenager that I didn't even mean to do, jealousy I think, and I've wanted to see her and she's pushed me away.  Until she needed me.  Then she sent me this sickly sweet email asking for help.  Do think I helped her?  HELL NO!  So when I responded, she didn't even respond back, which further proved my point.  She's not interested in a friendship, she was only scrambling to find someone that could help her, and I was at the bottom of a long list of people that could help.  I couldn't have helped her anyway.  It would have required Mark to take off a day of work and he wouldn't have been able to do it.  Nor would he have wanted to, he doesn't like her at all.  He met her once a long time ago and got a really bad vibe from her.

I wish I had more friends, or even *a* friend.  I mean, I do have friends, people who would call themselves my "friend", but I don't really feel like I have a friend.  Nobody to just pick up the phone and talk to or go somewhere with or anything.  Maybe that's my fault, I've shut them all out.  I know I have.  I was overweight for so long that I didn't want anybody to see me that way.  I had such low self confidence for so many reasons.  No job as well.  Now I feel more confident, but I don't feel ready to just start calling up people to meet for lunch or to do something.  I also don't feel like putting on a sunshine-y face like my life is so wonderful and everything is great.  That's what friends want to hear.  Maybe not REAL friends, but that's how I perceive it would be when you haven't talked to them in awhile. 

I'm not freaking out about the lump in my breast anymore.  I don't think it's anything, I just had a moment of panic, which is, like I said in my previous post, why I have klonipin.  YES, I want to get the test over with, but so many people say their lumps end up being nothing that I'm confident that will be my outcome as well.  My doctor said not to worry, and I think she was being sincere.

Well, it's 4:30am and I'm awake for some reason.  I guess it doesn't really matter when I sleep or when I'm awake.

Starting to Freak Out, Good Thing for Klonipin!

I'm starting to freak out, I didn't think I would, but now I am.  I hadn't really tried to feel the lump in my breast since my doctor felt it, but I reached up to see if I could feel it, and I was so shocked that it was just RIGHT THERE, so big and so hard.  I shook my hand away very quickly and got up from the couch and started cleaning (yes, very unlike me.  We have a maid for a reason.). 

I took a shower and was starting to really panic, so I came downstairs and took 2 klonipin.  I mean, that's what they're for, right?  I looked up everything on the internet:  breast fibroids, breast cysts, but none of them described what I have exactly.  But neither does breast cancer.  I haven't paid any attention all of this time to it, though, I mean my doctor had to tell me about it, so I have no idea what it does during menstruation, etc.?

I started getting scared when I remembered all of the times I've been in that pit of depression (I mean, countless times) and I've prayed to God to take my life.  Being bipolar comes with its own demons, and bipolar depression, for me, is the demon I try hardest to shake.  I know the suicide rate of bipolars is high, or so they tell me.  I've never been able to muster the courage to take my own life, and I've wanted to, so many times.  Before I checked myself into the psych ward, I went through months of praying that very prayer over and over every single day - for God to take my life.  What if I'm now being granted that wish?  I know that's ridiculous.  Blame God.  But I didn't know then that my life would get better, you don't know what you don't know, you know?  You feel so hopeless, that you'll never feel better, that everything will always be dark and empty with the big dark rain cloud hovering above your head, clouding your vision about everything, but it doesn't stay that way forever!  But how could I have known that?

So maybe this is a good lesson for me.  I'll go get my test, find out whatever it is I have, that I'm fine, or that it's treatable, whatever, and next time depression hits, I'll remember how it feels when you don't know if you'll have a choice.  YES I realize how melodramatic I'm being.  Do people not understand that men and women go through this when they're told they might have cancer, then schedule them for a test ten days later?  Especially for someone who is prone to panic attacks, although I think for anyone, it would lead them to panic!  My doctor was very careful when she was explaining everything to me, and then asked me if she had scared me, if I was okay, and at that time she hadn't, but as the days have gone by, well yeah, reading things on the internet has not helped!

It's good Mark is on a plane home right now and not reachable by phone.  He does not need to hear me freaking out, he is worried enough on his own.  I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but really, who gets that kind of news, gets scheduled for a test ten days LATER, and just puts it out of their mind without thinking of the consequences?    I don't know, maybe a "normal" person can, who knows?  If so, I'm definitely not "normal".  Well, I guess that was already obvious. : )

Just An Update

This waiting game is killing me after my OB/GYN found the lump in my breast.  I really don't think I have breast cancer after what she said and after what I've now read, but who wants that hanging over their head, the "maybe"?  My husband is worried now, doing his own research.  Maybe I shouldn't have told him.  There's no reason for him to be worried when I don't even know anything yet, and I don't really need a "support system" right now, I don't need anyone to lean on or to listen to me.  I just want the WAITING over with!  I don't go for the mammogram (and I guess a sonogram?) until Monday the 26th.  And I go back to the OB/GYN for an ultrasound on the fibroid in my uterus the next day, on the 27th.  Am I slowly falling apart?  Seriously, I've never heard of an adult getting diagnosed with asthma out of the blue, but obviously it happens.

I keep changing my mind about running.  Not to stop running, but about the best way to increase my speed.  I thought I would go through the Couch to 5k again on the treadmill at a faster pace and slowly build it back up, but when we run at the lake on the weekends, I want to be able to run the whole time.  And last week, I passed my first runner!  Yay!  I've never passed a runner before, only walkers.  I think the reason is because we've been running when it's cold outside, and mainly people who run when it's cold are people who are very dedicated.  It was really nice last weekend, so a lot of people were at the lake walking and running.  I especially noticed a lot of new mothers with their babies in strollers, I assume walking off baby weight.  So my theory is that less fit people were at the lake running/walking, which means I was actually running faster than some people.  Unbelievable, but true.  A 12 minute mile pace is pretty slow!  But...a mile is still a mile, no matter how fast you go, right?  And five miles is still five miles, no matter how long it takes you.  But the less I weigh, the less calories I burn, it really sucks.  So I only burned 400 calories.  I mean really?  Run 5 miles and burn 400 calories?  It just doesn't seem right, yet it is. 

I was watching the Biggest Loser several weeks ago, and Bob Harper said to increase intensity to try to beat your speed each time you run.  I've never tried that, I've always gone for distance, or run a certain length of time, not the same distance each time.  So I'll run the same distance, just try to do it faster every time I run.  It feels WONDERFUL to be outside running, I've missed running outside since I've only been doing it on the weekends, so it will be great to be back on an exercise schedule.

Mark ended up buying a new car after all.  But I was the one who told him to do it.  He had one more month of warranty left on his Porsche, and he got an error about his engine.  That scared me, what if it had happened one month later, and what if it was something really expensive?  So before we found out what it was (it ended up being something minor, but we didn't know it at the time), I told him to look around for a new car with a warranty.  He found an awesome car - a Mercedes SL - I don't know the exact model but it's an AMG meaning it's incredibly fast.  It's so sexy, I love it!  It's a convertible which I'm not crazy about - my hair gets messed up, but in Texas in the spring and summer (and okay fall too), it's perfect for him.  I like it SO much better than the Porsche, I can't even tell you!  The Porsche was freaking uncomfortable! 

I'm bored, I'm lonely, I wish I could just sleep every day away and never wake up.  I feel like I have so many dreams that I haven't accomplished and won't be accomplished, and then I think, what dreams did I ever really have?  Did I have any?  Maybe there weren't any to fulfill anyway.  I thought all this time Mark and I were building a life together, but I'm realizing that maybe he was building a life on his own with me, does that make sense?  His goals are singular, but he's married to me.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  I told him about this, and he said that he's supportive of me in anything I do.  I don't see how that has anything to do with what I was saying about having goals together.  I plan on bringing this up in counseling, but then I look at the world, I see men who cheat on their wives, who verbally or physically abuse them, who don't help with housework, who don't support them, especially to the level Mark supports me financially or emotionally, and really, is it that big of a deal?  He's such a great husband, it's such a small thing compared to other women's issues with their husbands.  I'm very lucky, very lucky, maybe I should just leave it alone.  Yet it makes me sad, to think that he doesn't think of me as part of his future.  Maybe he does, but I'm not in his goals, does that make any sense?  Perhaps I'm home too much all day and have too much time to think.  That is definitely true!

One More Thing? Really?

So now I have a lump in my breast.  Maybe I should stop going to the doctor because they keep giving me bad news?  It's about the size of a marble and I go in for a mammogram I think on the 26th?  I wrote it down somewhere.  I'm not overly worried.  My doctor didn't freak me out about it, but she did want me to go to a specific testing center that she trusted.  I looked it up on the internet, and only 10% of breast lumps evaluated are found to be breast cancer.  So I'm not worried really, it seems more of a hassle to have to go through the tests and everything for a cyst or whatever it is, but Mark is all worried now when he shouldn't be.  I know him well enough to know that he won't bring it up unless I bring it up no matter how much he's thinking about it which is good, because I'd just like to forget about it until I get the test. 

Oh yeah, and while I was there, my OB/GYN threw in that I had an enlarged uterus and a fibroid that needed a sonogram scheduled. 

I mean really, what is up with my health?  I turned 43 and it's been downhill from there.  Nothing major that can't be fixed, but seriously?  All of the important things are great - blood pressure, etc.  I just got my blood test results back - all perfectly normal.  So what gives?  I run, I eat well, it's just so bizarre.  I'm in a normal weight range for my height, I mean really, I couldn't be more healthy or take better care of myself (except I need to go to the dentist).  God, are you up there?  Can you throw me a little mercy please? : ) know, physical health or mental health, if I had to choose one over the other, which would I choose?  Losing your mind or losing your body?  Since I've only experienced one - losing my mind, to the deep, deep hole of suicidal depression and know how horrible and awful and ugly and black and hopeless it is, I would choose to lose my physical health.  At least then I could still have hope, joy, peace, etc.  I would hope I would not be in physical pain, but then again, which would be worse?  Physical or mental pain?  I haven't experienced long term ongoing physical pain, so it's really hard for me to say.  Right now, I would choose physical pain, because it seems easier to take a pill that would take away physical pain than mental pain, which a pill may or may not work.  Now those of you that have physical pain may completely disagree with me, and you know, I haven't experienced that and if I did, I may be completely wrong.  The worse thing I've experienced is a broken foot, which compared to so many things out there, is pretty minuscule.

At least mentally though, I am sound.  Bored, but sound.  Most of my days are really good!  I guess if they weren't, I'd be freaking out that I had breast cancer - HA!  I've been reading a lot of blogs lately for some reason from people who are obese or morbidly obese trying to lose weight.  I know I feel so fat most of the time, but really, I should stop being so harsh on myself.  Of COURSE I am going to continue to lose weight, but it does make me so sad to see so many people struggle with their weight, and they even aren't on weight gaining meds.  My problem has always been psychiatric weight gainers, I never had a problem before that, and since I was taken off of them, I don't have a problem any more.  I can relate to how they feel about being fat, of course.  That I totally get, no matter what they weigh or what I weigh or have weighed, it doesn't matter.  The feelings are the same.  I think that's what keeps drawing me back to their blogs.  Except...I don't understand trying all of these fad diets.  I just don't think they work, at least not for me.  For me, I figured out a new way to eat for the rest of my life, I changed my diet completely, not just for a period of time, and that's how I'm going to eat from now on, not until I reach my "goal weight".  I don't think "cutting out this type of food" or going on deprivation diets work long term.  But that's just my opinion, I know that people have lost 100+ pounds doing that.  It doesn't work for me, and I don't know how I would maintain my weight once I stopped doing what I had done to get there.  And you know, it doesn't sound healthy to me either.  But what do I know, I'm the one with the body that's falling apart!  Well, sort of.  I'm actually pretty healthy besides, well, I won't go over the list.

That's it, just needed to vent.  Have a great weekend! : )

Diagnosis and Counseling

I went to my follow-up visit with the pulmonologist on Friday, and he finally diagnosed me.  I have cough variant asthma, which I thought all along, and the medicine he had given me two weeks ago really improved my cough.  My breathing test had gone up 40% since my last visit.

So now I have an inhaler I use every day and a rescue inhaler that I use before I run and "as needed".  I guess the "as needed" is when I'm coughing a lot.  He's still trying to figure out the triggers for my asthma.  I thought it was just exercise induced, but he said if that were true, I wouldn't be coughing all the time.  I did take an allergy test, and I wasn't allergic to anything.  I have to take a different allergy test next time I go in, and I took a blood test too.  I don't really care about the reasons, I'm just glad there's a solution.

What I hate about it is that now there is two MORE medications to add to the list when I go somewhere and they ask, "what medications are you taking?"  I was embarrassed enough with the list I had!  The nurses already act like, "Oh my God, so that's so many to write down...".  I've made a list of them in my iphone and just hand it to them when they ask the names (because they never know the spellings) and dosages (because I can never remember that), and they seem to appreciate that.  What I don't understand is....when you go to a new doctor, they have you fill out all of this paperwork which includes what medications you're currently taking just for the nurse to ask you the same question.  I always want to say, "Look at what you told me to fill out that took me time and effort!"  And oh my gosh I hate the inevitable next question..."what do you take that for?".  I feel like I go from a normal person to a crazy person, and maybe I do.  I have a mental illness, but it doesn't FEEL like I do.  I feel as normal as they probably feel.  All of a sudden I feel like they're thinking maybe I'm making up whatever I'm there for.  Is that stupid?    I also hate it if a doctor comments on my current mental stability, like "are you stable right now?".  I was asked that by an ENT recently when Mark kept nagging me to get my hearing checked.  I was thinking, first of all, you're not a freaking psychiatrist, you're an ENT, what does that have to do with my hearing, and second of all, if I wasn't, what are YOU going to do about it?  I mean, yes, I'm stable, but I don't know see why I have to tell him that, and if I wasn't, why I would have to tell him that either and go into some story about my current mental health state. 

Mark and I didn't have a great last session at marriage counseling.  We had argued a little about this before we had gone in, but had dropped it quickly because we both started getting very tense.  Mark is ready to "trade up" his car.  The thing is, he already has an expensive car - a Porsche Carerra 4s or something, Turbo, 911, I don't know, but to me, it's an expensive car.  A lot more than my BMW or his Range Rover, for sure.  More than double each one of them.  So trade UP?  Well, our house has lost 1/3 of it's value, and it seems crazy to me that he would drive such an expensive car if he traded up compared to the current value of our home.  He doesn't understand the correlation, to me he's just not living in the normal world.  So it got brought up in counseling, and the counselor agreed with me.  But he's just car crazy, he always has been since I've known him, and he's been depressed about it for days now.  But that's not all.  He had to throw in there that he doesn't want to upgrade houses (which we're not ready to sell ours because of the market) because of how I currently take care of the one we have.  I feel like whenever he doesn't want something he throws that in there.  He's done that before when I wanted something and he didn't, about how I don't take care of the house like I should.  We have a maid, but yes, the house is messy, and yes, it's because of me, but I don't believe him when he says "if you do x, x and x" I'll do this, this and this.  I just feel like it's an excuse.  So we decided in counseling to work on the house we have now - make improvements.  Flooring, furniture and blinds come to mind, but I don't know.  It just seems like neither of us win.  I guess it's not for one of us to win but for us to compromise, but it just seems like neither of us are getting what we want.  I was really bummed out today - going through one of my old "we have nothing in common" phases, but it was more like "we don't have the same goals in life".  Well do we?  When someone's goal is to keep upgrading cars through life, I mean, what is that?  How do we "share" that goal exactly?  That's a one person goal, what am I going to school for and getting a new career for?  So Mark can drive a Ferrari?  Yes, he's the person working right now and I know he feels entitled, I totally don't blame him.  He works hard, he does a lot of great things for people at work, he takes a lot of crap, he's under a lot of stress, it's not like he doesn't deserve it.  And it's not like I don't want him to be happy, of course I do!  But where does it end?  When does the upgrading stop?  A $1.5 million Bugatti so he can be "happy", and only for a few years until the body style changes or whatever?

I guess I'll try and work on the areas of the house that should be tidier, but it makes me bitter.  I shouldn't be, but for some reason I am.  And it's not to "get what I want", because I don't believe that will happen, I just thought that our goals were the same - to upgrade homes, not to keep upgrading cars as salaries increased.  Yes, our house is nice enough, I'm not saying that it isn't.  There are some retirees in our neighborhood that have saved their whole lives to live here and bought their "dream homes" next to us.  It's a gated community with a lake view.  It's just that I had no idea we didn't have the same goal of upgrading houses as our income rose, that one of us saw our prosperity individually - in the car that they drove, and that was it.  I mean, I knew that was a factor, but I didn't know it was the ONLY factor and the ONLY goal.  What other goals do we not share?  What other things do I assume?  What other things do I not know, have I not asked?  I assumed he wanted kids too, I was wrong about that, and that was a pretty big thing to be wrong about!    

Other than that, it's boring and lonely staying home all day and not getting up to go to school every day.  I go back to school in April.  And I've lost almost 5 pounds in two weeks, when normally I lose a little less than that in a month.  I thought I had the stomach flu last week, but when I went to the pulmonologist on Friday I told him my symptoms, and he thought it was side effects from the inhaler he gave me.  I looked it up on the internet when I got home, and yes, he was right!  No, not a bad reaction, and no, not an allergic reaction, but simply "side effects"!  I don't feel dizzy and sick and I'm not throwing up anymore, but that's how I lost so much weight last week which will probably come back this week.  Oh, well.

Weighed Today

I weighed today (I weigh every Friday morning) and was pleasantly surprised to find I'd lost 2 pounds!  I was expecting to gain since I was taking cortisteroids this week, but apparently not! : )  So now I'm down to 146.4, just 21 pounds from my "goal" of 125.  According to the BMI calculator, my BMI is 23.63% (I'm 5'6").  25% is the top of the "normal weight" range.  When I started exercising and changed my diet, I was a wee bit over 30% (I weighed 185), which was considered "obese", not even "overweight"!  Yikes!  Even though my BMI is 23.63%, I don't think it is actually that low.  I have a small frame, and the internet suggests adding a few pounds and then recalculating your BMI to get a more accurate percentage, so I really have no idea what it actually is.  I do think I am in a healthy weight range at least.  But...I look in the mirror and I'm still FAT!  I mean, I would never been seen in a bikini right now, no freaking way!  I have a long way to go - maybe by July or August I'll be there.

Even though I run for an hour, 5 miles, three times a week, I decided to start the Couch to 5k program over.  I run SO SLOW that I want to speed up my pace to a mile under 10 minutes, so I thought it would be a good way to build it up slowly.  But that means back on the treadmill again so I can control how fast I go.  I could use my motoactv watch to track my speed, but it's just so much easier on the treadmill.  I think I'll still run on the trails with Mark on the weekend for an hour just to keep up my endurance though.  Haven't really decided about that yet.  If not, I'll take my little dog for a walk at the lake instead while Mark runs. : )

School is so hard from home, I have ZERO motivation to do it.  I have almost all of it to do for the week and it's Friday.  It's all due by Sunday at midnight.  Some of it was due on Thursday night and I didn't do it.  It's just not the same.  I like to go to school where I have to do it, there are chairs that are comfortable to write in, I'm with other students, I go there specifically for that reason, that time is allocated for school.  I even stay after school for a few hours and practice a couple of days a week.  But at home?  NO MOTIVATION.  I don't know how people do it from home, they must be very disciplined.  I've gone to school from home before and did just fine, but not court reporting.

Mark and I have been tanning, I talked him into it, except I told him to get the SUNLESS tanning.  Tanning is so bad for your skin!  He's younger than I am, so not worried about his skin yet, so he is
getting bed tanning.  I'm already seeing the effects of sun damage from all the sunburns I've gotten throughout my life, which are countless.  And I'm definitely not going to do all of this work on my skin daily and nightly just to put it under a tanning bed.  But, he looks good with a tan.  Wonder if he'll change his mind when he's in his 40's.  I'm fine with sunless tanning.  Looks better than my normal extremely pale self! : )

I don't think I'm any better at all from all the medication I've taken from the doctor since I saw him last week, and I go back on Thursday, so I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I think it's drainage now that makes me cough, but, on a curious note if that is what it is, what is causing all of this drainage that makes me cough all the freaking time?  If it IS drainage, I don't see how a pulmonologist can help me, yet I think it would be wrong to make an appointment with a DIFFERENT specialist while he's already treating me.  We'll see next week when I go to see him.

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