Birthday Week off to a Bad Start

Mark took this week off from work because it's my "birthday week", which was so nice of him, but then he got a jury summons and had to go to court today.  He could tell during the questioning in voir doire what the case was about - it was a  man who had broken into his ex-girlfriend's house and assaulted her causing bodily injury, and they were charging him with a Class B Felony, and wanted to know if people would be okay with giving him a life sentence.  Wow, that brought back memories that I did not want to remember.

They asked him (and everyone) if they or anyone they knew had experienced domestic violence, so he told him that his wife was in an abusive relationship when he met me.  The State came back and asked why he thought women stayed with abusive men - I thought his answer was pretty insightful - because of love and fear. 

Luckily he wasn't chosen to sit on the jury.  No one was.  They dismissed all the jurors and are starting with a fresh jury tomorrow, thank God.  The trial was supposed to last all week, the whole week he took off!  And to be honest, I wasn't looking forward to hearing about the details of that case, and I started thinking about the poor victim who was having to endure a jury trial and who would have to recount the events in a courtroom with her attacker and former boyfriend right there.  That would be horrendous.  It would take a lot of courage for someone to go that far in the system and follow through in getting justice.  They would NOT want me on that jury!  He's already guilty in my mind!  I called the police so many times, dropped charges many times, got a protective order, but then got back together with my exboyfriend, filed more charges, and finally the state's attorney told me he would no longer drop the charges and - that's the end of the story.  I'd be curious to see what his criminal record looks like today.  LOSER.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow, and I'm really dreading it.  I found something that needs to be checked out, and I'm afraid of what it is.  They did a blood test last time I was there and checked for everything, and told me I didn't have the HPV virus, but if that is true, what the hell is the thing that I have?  If it's what I think it is, I will start crying in the office, like, boo hoo crying.  I had the HPV virus in my 20's, I know I did, I told them I did, but then after a pap smear and a blood test, they told me I had NOTHING, no STD's, and even wrote on the form they sent me "DO NOT HAVE HPV VIRUS" and circled it, because I said I was concerned about that in particular.  It said I had no diseases of any kind, and this was just a few months ago.  I didn't ask for the test, it's just something they were offering everyone, so since they were offering, I said sure, test me for everything, EVERY SINGLE THING they could think of.  It came up with nothing, I was totally healthy in every way and completely disease free.  So what the hell?  I told Mark, and he said "Well I haven't slept with anyone else and you haven't slept with anyone else, so just go find out what it is!".  I'm not educated on anything in this area, so I suppose it could be a million things that I don't even know about.  I'm just afraid of it being the one thing, the only thing, that I know it could be.  It doesn't bother me at all, I wouldn't even have known it was there, except you can feel it.  But other than that, there are no symptoms that would make you rush to a doctor.  And actually, had something similar not happened before, I might not be going now either.  I mean, it's totally treatable if it's that, medically it's no big deal, it's just...I thought this was over, in the past, I could finally forget about it.  I hope that's still true, I'm really really hoping for that.

Mark has done an awesome job at working on his happiness by reading this book his counselor gave him, and has come up with some awesome insights about himself.  He's much happier, I think, where I don't believe he was ever happy before.  It got me to thinking about my own happiness.  Where he is constantly thinking about it, how to get and stay happy, I don't think about it at all.  I am just happy, and if I'm not, I just let myself be unhappy until I'm happy again. If it gets bad, I go to my psychiatrist who tweaks my medication, and then I'm happy again.  I don't have big roadblocks like he does that keeps me from being happy.  I think, overall, I'm just a naturally happy person, but I get down on myself and am critical of myself more than I should be, I think. 

However, I can relate to being deeply, suicidally depressed and working hard to getting out of  that depression.  Now THAT is hard.  I would have said many times that it would be impossible, but obviously, it's not.  I think the key to that is catching it as early as possible with a med change (if it is indeed chemical, of course).  The longer I wait, the harder it will be to drag myself up out of the trenches.  The thinking patterns in my brain will have already rewired themselves in a negative way.  And then it might take counseling to fix myself.   Ugh.  Counseling.  I avoid it at all costs.  I've done the whole counseling thing - years of weekly therapy along with weekly group therapy - I've done my time.  And I do not like meeting new doctors and starting all over with my childhood, because they won't just let me tell it and move on.  It has to be this big theatrical production from them about how awful it was to show me their reaction in relation to what happened, and I just don't care.  Save the theatrics for someone who really needs to know, because I don't give a damn anymore.  I made it out, and I've realized, that's what matters.  I can also have empathy for people in abusive situations that other people don't understand - I mean, I know that things are good for me because I know the circumstances in which many people live - and they don't know they have a choice.  Well, the adults do, but the children don't, which makes me angry at the adults, very angry.

Blah, this entry is depressing, and I'm not depressed at all, just tired.  Good night. : ) 

I'm Not Scared of You Psycho!

So I stared death in the face and went to see The Dark Knight Rises this afternoon.  I was actually quite conflicted about whether to go see it or not.  On one hand, such a tragedy had occurred, I felt bad about going to see a movie that people had gone to see and had been massacred by a psychopath.  It also made me very claustrophobic thinking about being trapped in a movie theater with no way to get out. 

But I'd REALLY been wanting to see this movie; however, I hadn't been paying attention and didn't realize it was coming out this weekend until the psychopath struck.  So, I wouldn't have even gone to see it this weekend because I wouldn't have known it was playing without all the publicity, however negative it has been, how's that for crazy? 

I finally decided I wasn't going to let some psycho keep me from living my life and went to the movie theater, totally expecting it to be empty - no lines, no crowds, no people.  WRONG!  I have *never* seen that many people at the movie theater at that time of day before.  We went to the 2:30 showing, but there were already people in line for the 3:00 show AND the 5:00 show! 

There was a portable police tower in the parking lot, and mall security SUV by the front of the theater as well.  It made me feel better, but...I couldn't help but feel a bit creepy about the whole thing.  I wasn't doing anything that the people who died or got hurt hadn't done.  They simply wanted to see the Batman movie like I did.

The movie was really good, I loved it, like I loved all the Dark Knight movies.  Christian Bale is awesome.  But what I don't understand is what I couldn't understand when I first heard about the victims - they said one of the youngest was 6 years old.  Yes, that's a young victim, but honestly, who takes a 6 year old to a Batman movie?  To me, they're shockingly violent and not for young eyes, but there I was in my own theater and saw parents with same aged children.  I guess at least it was at 2:30 and they didn't keep them up until midnight.  The last one with Heath Ledger, there were two young girls in front of us without parents, and while I loved the movie, I also found it so disturbing that I almost went and got a manager to have them removed.  I simply didn't think they should be there and it bothered me that they were being exposed to it.

In the movie, there are several scenes where someone is open firing on a crowd of people.  I found that way too creepy.  During the whole movie my mind kept going back to what had happened to 71 people as they tried to see this movie.  It didn't keep me from enjoying the movie, but it was on my mind.  Maybe I should have let some time go by before I saw it, I don't know.

So, although I can't get it off my mind, what happened in Aurora, and am just way too curious about WHY WHY WHY he did what he did, how could someone DO that, I do have good news!  I passed my last Q&A test at school on Friday!  So now I just have one more test to pass - Literary (I've passed one already) - and then I move on to the next speed.  I've been practicing a lot outside of school, and it's been paying off apparently.  Lit is pretty hard for me though, I don't know how long it will take.  Yes, I've already passed one, but I think it was just super easy and I got lucky.

I wore my hearing aids to the loudest restaurant we ever go to on Friday night, and shockingly, I could actually hear what the waitress was saying!  I usually have to ask Mark "what did they say?" after they walk off.  It was SO NICE!  I've been surprised every day by something new that I'd been missing. 

Day One with "Bionic Devices"

So today was the first day I wore hearing aids.  Sure, when I put them on in the office yesterday, I could tell right away they made a difference, but then I couldn't really tell one way or the other.  I got concerned that they weren't fitting in my ear correctly or weren't working.

Then I took them out that night, and yes, I could tell a big difference.  But it was kind of nice, going to bed in a much quieter environment than as noisy.  It was a bit startling though when I removed them.

So this morning I got up and was putting them on and and was thinking "I'm not going to be able to even tell if I put them in right or not because I won't be able to hear a difference", and then I put the first one in.  Wow!  All of a sudden I heard all of these loud noises in the house that I had never heard before.  I put the second one in.  What was that running water sound in the bathroom I heard?  I looked all over for it but couldn't find it, but I could swear I heard running water.

I came downstairs to grab a water out of the refrigerator for school, and the refrigerator was making a loud clinking sound.  Had it always done that?  If it had, how in the world could I have missed that, because it was so freaking loud, and what in the world was it?  I opened and shut the doors, looked all around it, wondered if it was about to break down.

I put my things in my rollerbag and started rolling it across the tile floor and ouch!  My ears!  The sound of the wheels hitting between the tiles was so LOUD, I couldn't believe it!  Was it really supposed to be this way?

I got outside and was putting my bag into my trunk, and heard traffic - like on the freeway.  Could we actually hear the traffic from the freeway from our HOUSE?  That seemed unreal, that's kind of far, a few miles or at least a mile.

So I called Mark, and told him all of these things, and he said yes to all of those things - about the running water in the bathroom, about the refrigerator, about the traffic, and he asked had I never heard any of that before?    I said no, I had no idea, and he said well, good, so now you get to hear things that are actually pretty annoying.  I hadn't considered that.  Now I have to hear things that I probably would rather not hear.

I got to school, and the teacher started dictating over his microphone, and WOW!  Why was he so freaking loud?  Did he think we were deaf?  I sent a text to my husband about how loud he was, and his smart aleck reply was something like "so people who can't hear can HEAR HIM!" with a smiley face.

The audiologist said the hearing aids are only set on "Level One" - I think there are three levels, but she increases the sound gradually so it's not so startling and overwhelming right away.  I noticed soft speech was still a little difficult for me to hear. 

But I am NOT deaf.  I only have mild to sort of moderate hearing loss.  It's not that bad, just enough to annoy people and myself. 

It was a very interesting day, I didn't think it would make that big of a difference.

Debbie Downer Is Back

So yesterday morning (it's 4:00am now) I was leaving school and almost out when I saw a student from my previous school that had quit after about six months of attending.  At the time, it had seemed like we had been going FOREVER, and I had thought, "How do you just quit and waste all this time?", but it doesn't seem like so long now.

I was shocked and put my best happy face on and asked if she had just started there, and of course she said she had last week, and I may have said I was glad to see her while I was whizzing past her.  I kept going out the door, then I thought, "Wait a minute, I've got to tell my friends she's here!"

I've never met anyone quite like her, and I had hoped I never would again.  She was the most negative person I'd ever met.  It didn't matter what you said, she would say something bad about what you were talking about, even when you weren't speaking to her, which I learned not to.  We all avoided her, so she would listen to our conversations, and inject her own negative comments.  It was SO obnoxious, we could not stand it!  And she had to let you know that she knew something about everything we were talking about that we couldn't possibly know.  She would constantly bring up how intelligent she was on IQ tests she had taken.

It's been two years now, but let me see if I can think of some examples.  They are going to seem so petty, but when it's every day, several times a day, it really adds up and it grates on your nerves.  I'm not a big Star Wars fan, but there is one Star Wars movie I like - Return of the Jedi - I was talking to a guy at school about how much I liked it and why - the storyline, the scenes I loved, etc.  I mean, I was really talking about it in an excited way, like how much I loved how Yoda talks in the movie and was trying to talk the way he talks.  She was sitting across the table from me, and said flatly, "Return of the Jedi got the lowest reviews of all the Star Wars movies."  I wasn't even talking to HER, and she chose to say that to a conversation she isn't even involved in?  Why would you choose to say something negative about something that someone obviously likes so much?

So few come to mind now, but a girl at school has a daughter that she loves and tells everyone that she was the best thing that had ever happened to her even though she was an accident and she is a very young mother, and she gives her testimony at church to other young pregnant girls about how wonderful it is to be a mother.  She really loves her daughter and believes she saved her life at a crucial time.  I mean, she talks about about her constantly, but not in an annoying way, I just think she is always missing her daughter when she's not around her. 

So she was talking in class during break about how much she loved that her daughter's eyes were blue, how pretty they were, and the girl said, "you know, baby's eyes don't stay the same color, they usually change."  If someone is saying how much they love something, why would you tell them that that is going to be taken away?  What purpose does that serve?  By the way, two years later, they are still blue.  Anyways, after months of negativity to all of us and on top of that, commenting on her daughter, this mild mannered and overall very happy girl went off on Debbie Downer.  It was quite a scene and shocking to see.  This has been two years ago, and I can't remember anything that she said to her, just that she said what we had all been thinking for months, and it had been building up so it erupted in an angry way.

Now she's back.  She went to a different school, maybe to avoid us, and guess what?  We have all changed schools too.  But of course she's not my classes because she's had to start over. 

So I ran back to the classroom since I knew my two friends had an academic class at that time, and said "You'll never believe who I just saw!", and the mother said the girl's name.  She said she had wanted to tell me yesterday, but I had my ear buds in my ears and was practicing, and she didn't want to interrupt me to tell me. 

I'm SO freaking glad that I don't have any classes with her, she tries to spoil any good moment that she can, and good conversation that you're having.  But, I also believe that people can change, so you never know.  I'm just glad that I don't have to find out either way.

Doing Pretty Darned Good!

I got my hearing aids today.  Mark knows I feel horrible about wearing them, so he calls them my "bionic devices" to make me feel better.  My hearing isn't super impaired, but it's enough that it's very annoying to my husband, I can't hear waiters in loud restaurants or sometimes even the person across the table from me when it's noisy, or when people are talking quietly in general, I have to turn up the volume on the television to probably uncomfortable levels to other people, I can't hear my husband half the time when he's talking to me, I misunderstand words and my brain tries to think of what it could have been and comes up with a completely different word and I start talking about a subject that is completely different than what is being discussed.  I could go on and on and on.  I hate when Mark is singing the words to a song we both love on the radio in the car, and I can't even tell that the radio is on.  He is out of town, so I am unable to see if I can hear him better.  For years I've accused him of mumbling and it made him so mad, when I was the one with the problem all along.  Hearing aids are SO freaking expensive, I had no idea.  I would have thought a few hundred dollars for them.  Um, no.  At least not where I went, and they probably sold me the top of the line, I have no idea.  It seems kind of high end to have blue tooth with your hearing aids to use with blue tooth enabled devices.  Thank God for health insurance.  I hope they last a long time, like, for a million years!

I've thrown myself full force into school.  I practice for an hour after school after writing all day, and then I come home and practice for another full hour.  I practiced this weekend too, which I typically never do.  I don't really understand my new found motivation for school.  I have a new chair and area that I cleaned the clutter to practice in at home, Mark sacrificing his luxury cars for moving to Chicago possibly really humbled me that he would give up something that meant so much to him for us.  It just seems like I should stop dragging my feet and finish school so I can start contributing financially.  I guess that's it, I don't know.  Passing tests and not failing ALL the time is motivating as well.

My friends at school are no longer annoying me, they seem more like good, supportive friends again.  I don't think THEY have changed, I think *I* have changed, my view of the world in general.  Again, I don't know how or why. 

For some reason, all of a sudden, things seem to be going my way.  That doesn't always happen to me, but then again, it could be all in my attitude.  Seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty. 

I keep forgetting to eat, it's bizarre.  Every morning, it occurs to me that I've forgotten to eat breakfast - once after I'd left the house and I had to stop and grab a breakfast bar.  That's the most important meal of the day, as it sets your metabolism for the day.  Then I want to stay at school and practice so I don't eat lunch, I just grab a banana so I don't feel run down, but then I don't actually eat lunch then until late, which makes me not hungry for dinner when it comes around, even though I just have a Lean Cuisine for my late lunch.  So now it's 9:00pm and I know I should have dinner, but I would just be making myself eat something to eat something, and that seems like such wasteful calories, but I don't want to go into starvation mode either, and have my body get used to a crazy low caloric intake so I'll gain weight on a normal amount of calories.  It's such a battle within myself.  I want to lose weight, but I'm forgetting to eat, but I need to eat, but it would be nice not to eat since I'm not hungry and drop pounds faster, yet that would be unhealthy and really doesn't work in the end.  I guess I'll get up and make brown rice with chicken and broccoli - that has maybe 500 calories.  Not quite enough calories for the day, but it's better than not eating dinner.  When Mark is home, I make dinner for us both, but even then, I don't eat with him.  He gets his dinner, and I eat later, or sometimes I'll eat a bit of dinner, and eat the rest later at night.  When I don't eat with him, he's commented before that he wonders if I've put poison in the food - HA!  I read that eating later at night will make you gain weight is a myth, and for me, I've found that it is indeed a myth.  But maybe people who gain weight eat junk late at night like ice cream? 

To Move or Not to Move?

Mark has decided we should move to Chicago because he's taken on a new role at work that requires him to be there three weeks out of the month, not including weekends. He's always traveled with his job, but the most he's ever traveled has been two weeks a month, and that was not every month.  I think it was some revelation that came from one of his counseling sessions about trying to be happy.  I would actually like to move there, and he has always known that.  While Chicago would not be my first choice if I could choose anywhere to live, when I moved to Texas with my ex-husband, it was the last state I would have ever chosen to live.  I think I would like moving back to the midwest, although I've only been to Chicago once. I loved it!  But I just don't like the whole Texas culture thing, I never have. The cowboy attire, the country music, the accent (which I have unfortunately acquired I'm told by my family) the freaking hot summers - I realized after he told me we should move (I have been suggesting it to him for several years now) so we could be together, how much I really don't like Texas.  I've never felt like I "fit in".  I've never considered myself a Texan, although I've lived here for 24 years, much longer than I lived in Kansas. 

I'm so shocked at the lengths Mark is willing to go for us to be together in Chicago.  Right now he is trading in his Mercedes for a less expensive vehicle for smaller car payments to help with the move. He's also planning on selling his Range Rover, which we own - perhaps today, I don't know.  I don't think you really need a lot of cars there, it sounds like people use public transportation a lot, I'm not sure.  Ick, public transportation! It seems so disgusting to me, but he tells me there's a nicer train that costs a bit more that isn't gross.  But for some reason, he's got a lot of motivation suddenly.  However, we can only move if and when we sell our house.  The realtor is coming this week to talk to us.  I told him I would trade in my BMW too, but he refused to entertain that idea. 

Who knows if and when we will move to Chicago.  All I know is Mark is traveling a lot and I think it is very sweet for him to want to be with me and go such big lengths for us to be together instead of traveling every week like so many people do. 

I had a great day on Friday!  I woke up and weighed myself, and lost 2.4 pounds!  So 13 more to go - 47 lost now.  And then I went to school, and passed a Q&A test!  Freaking awesome!  But it wasn't just luck, I've been staying after school for an hour practicing just Q&A, and practicing more at home too.  I guess practicing actually works!  Who would have thought?  Ha!  And I can go to school anywhere, it doesn't matter where I live.  I just can't do the whole online thing.  I'm not a disciplined person when I'm at home, for sure!

Who knows what the future will bring?  Maybe a move, maybe not.  Either way, cutting back on expenses is never a bad idea, especially in this economy.


No to the Marriage Counselor

I may have already said this in my blog, but the last time Mark went to individual counseling, he cancelled our next marriage counseling appointment and told her I wouldn't be back.  She said "She's mad at me from the last visit, isn't she?"  I'm getting this from him, and he's not a good "he said, she said" person, I know very few guys who are.  What actually may have been said, I have no clue.  But anyway, she wants me to at least come back to get some resolution.  I think he may have even said something about her saying I held grudges.  Not 100% sure, but I thought that was thrown in there.

I don't know if I hold grudges or not, but I do know what I do.  If someone hurts me and I don't HAVE to be around them because they're in-laws or for a professional reason, I just cut them out of my life.  But is cutting someone out of your life that you don't HAVE to be around holding a grudge?  I don't think so.  I simply don't allow it to happen again.  She isn't someone that is close enough to me that I need in my life, so who cares?  I can easily cut her out of my life and there's no consequence to either one of us.  I don't understand this "getting resolution" thing.  Who cares?  Put it in the past and move on, I don't care if we have warm gooey thoughts of each other in the future.  Is she worried about her professional reputation and what I might say about her?  I won't say anything, she seems to be helping my husband so far, I'm not discouraging him from going, she just doesn't get ME at all.

I don't even know how to approach what she said that upset me so much with Mark, but what happened when we had our huge argument shouldn't have happened, and we can all agree on that.  But then she said some things that had me questioning things that had happened to me in my past - were they my fault, was this my fault too, because of something she said about the time we were talking about, and it really hurt me for days and days.  Like if I had done this and this, it would have been avoided, so if that were true, what about my past?  Oh my gosh, it makes me so mad just thinking about it, like I want to cry tears of anger.  On one level, I know she probably didn't mean to say what I think she said, but on another level, I know what I heard her saying or what it was implying.  Or at least, I know how I took it. 

So, what will happen?  I would go in there, say what I have to say, she would say "no, I never said that, you misunderstood me...", blah blah.  I can have the whole conversation in my head.  Denial. But I know how she made me feel and I know what I think she said and she knew I was upset and kept saying "And how does that make YOU feel?" whenever Mark said something, and I was SO upset I couldn't even talk, so she would just answer for me, whatever she guessed I was feeling or thinking, and whether it was true or not, I would just nod my head because she had NO CLUE and I did NOT want to talk to her! 

So now Mark is reading some happiness book that seems to be all written about him and is helping him.  I am glad that she is helping him and seems to know the right tools to reach him, God knows I don't know them.  She just doesn't need to push about me coming to see her.  If we decide we need marriage counseling again, I will go.  But NOT to her.

Was It Really That Wrong?

I feel so uncomfortable today - it's really no big deal, yet what happened has made me feel, well, creepy.

I was at school today and this term kept popping up in a test that several of us had no clue what it was or meant.  Right now I still can't recall the exact word, but it means that an attorney can reject a prospective juror for any reason, without cause. 

I stayed late with a few other students to practice, and one of them asked about the word.  He didn't remember it - we take five tests in each class every day, so that's no surprise.  I tried to help him and another girl finally remembered the word.  I asked him what it meant, and he told me, but then he had to give an example. 

He said, "An attorney could say 'I don't want that good looking blonde on my jury'" and pointed to me.  There were girls behind me talking, and when they heard him say that, they stopped talking and said "What did you say?"  So he explained what he was talking about, repeated it, and then said "HER" and looked at me. 

I was SO uncomfortable, so uneasy, I didn't know what to say or do.  I mean, he's my teacher!  I just quickly put my earbuds in my ears and started practicing, like I was ignoring his comment, because really, what was I going to say to that?  "Thank you?", even if it was just for explaining the term?  I sort of feel it was sexual harassment, but not really meant to be, but it makes me feel creepy.  Who wants to know that their teacher thinks they're a "good looking blonde"?  And tells them that in front of other students?  I don't know if I would feel better if it was just him and me or that other students were present.  Because they were all girls, I thought I'd get a little sympathy, but no, the girls still treated him with authority and like the kind teacher that he is.

I've noticed before that when I've done well at school, he gives me hugs, and I've never seen him do that to another student, but I figured maybe he just does that to them when I didn't notice or wasn't around.  Now I wonder if I've been wrong about that, because I have never heard him say anything remotely close to that to another student before.

I'll just have to distance myself from him even more, I didn't think I was overly friendly to begin with, I mean, I wanted my teacher to LIKE me, isn't that every student's goal?  But did I do something that was taken the wrong way?  Was my friendliness mistaken for something else?

Or am I totally misjudging this?   I don't know, I just think it was a comment that shouldn't have been said, and the fact that I feel uneasy now makes me believe it was wrong, too.

I told my husband because I had to get SOMEONE'S opinion, and I didn't want to tell my friend in class who wasn't there when he said it.  I just don't want anyone else to know or to spread rumors, it's quite embarrassing, even though it's really no big deal.  He was not happy, to say the least, and said right away he thought it was sexual harassment, but what are you going to do?  I'll just keep on going to class and...nothing has ever been said before, hopefully nothing will be said again. 

Just an Update

I had my first Botox treatments yesterday.  It was totally no big deal at all.  I went in, they took "before" pictures and explained everything to me.  The procedure was exactly how they described - to me, it felt like mosquito bites for the needles, and like I'd been bitten by tiny mosquitoes without the itching for about 15 minutes afterwards, then you couldn't tell I'd had anything done that day. I go back in again in two weeks to take "after" pictures and get any touch ups if any are needed and so that the plastic surgeon can determine the best process for me personally going forward, and that's it!  The doctor is so super nice, I really like him.  Actually, the whole experience was very pleasant for me.  I wish all doctor's appointments were that pleasant.

We had a good 4th of July, just went to the city's fireworks display.  We got there about 3 and half hours early, but Mark was in an introverted mood, so it was kind of like pulling teeth sometimes to talk to him.  He really is an introvert and he when he gets in that mood, it's like he needs to be alone to recharge his batteries.  We saw the Avengers earlier that day which was a really good movie!  I tried to get him to see Magic Mike, but uh, for some reason he didn't want to go. : ) 

We've decided to talk to a realtor about selling our house to move to Chicago.  Mark spends a lot of time there for work, so we're just going to TALK to one to see what improvements she would suggest making and what she would recommend listing it for.  I can always transfer schools, that is no big deal.  I'm not terribly attached to Texas, or my blog would be named TexasBlueBonnet or something like that.  Yes I have friends here, but I don't see them very often.  I don't have family here, they are all in Kansas or Colorado, but you know, if I left, I know there are so many things I would miss.  I don't care so much for country music, but there are certain aspects of Texas that I've grown to love.  Certain songs they play in Texas that I love to sing along with that there is no way they would play in Chicago but they make me so happy, and I'm sure a million other things like that, that I wouldn't even realize until I moved (if we moved).  And I'm sure, if not soon, then eventually yes, we will move to Chicago.  If not in a year, then in five years.  My husband's career has just taken off like I can't believe since he started with this company.

He wants me to go to a reception with him to introduce himself to a new group of people that will be reporting to him.  I'm not sure why I need to be involved, but whatever.  I know he'd like me to be involved in company dinners, but they're usually in Chicago.  I guess that's a GOOD reason not to live there.  Yes, I can be very social, and yes, people usually like me, but does anyone really LIKE that kind of stuff?  Meeting new people and winning them over?  In a social setting, and I've taught Mark this, it's so freaking easy to get people talking and get them to like you.  All you do is ask them questions about themselves, act genuinely interested (and hopefully be genuinely interested), and the thing is, they get so engrossed in talking about themselves, a lot of times they forget to even ask you anything about yourself and come away thinking, "wow, I really like that person".  People LOVE to talk about themselves.  There's always something to talk about, but I think that's where Mark gets stuck, he's not creative and sometimes can't think of what to ask.  We'll go anywhere and he'll say "Why do people like you so much?", and I always tell him, "Didn't you see me asking them questions about themselves and watch how excited they were talking about themselves?"  But when we're just out and about, it's only when I really am genuinely interested.  I only pretend if I'm at a party or whatever.

I'm getting addicted to a game again.  That's the only addiction I can ever think that I've ever had - first it was World of Warcraft for two years, now it's Castle Age on my iphone.  I don't get addicted to drugs or anything chemical, not food really, I can't think of anything but role playing games.  But actually, isn't that kind of the same thing as the others?  A form of escape?
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