So Lonely

I just walk through each day, alone.  I get up, alone.  I go to school for three hours, come home, alone.  Spend the rest of the day, alone.  My husband comes home usually on Thursday night, but this week, tonight, late Friday, probably around 10:00p, he'll be home.  And he'll leave again first thing Monday morning. 

I've been TRYING to reach out to my old friends.  I've been trying to make new friends.  I'm just tired of getting rejected or blown off.  And I'm tired of being alone.  I'm not blaming my husband.  He's trying to move us to Chicago so we'll all be together, he doesn't like us being separated, and I broke down and cried on the phone when we were talking and made him feel so horrible.  But he asked me before he took this new role what I thought, and I was okay with it.  I'm an adult.  But when I was in my 20's, I had a ton of friends, none of us had families, no one wanted to stay home, we were out every night doing things together.  Now everyone has families and that's where they want to be, and I don't blame them.  But that leaves me very lonely. 

I think, wow, if Mark and I weren't together and something happened to me and I died in the house, how would anyone ever know?  By the stench on the sidewalk two months later?  Because it's not like people call me to see how I am, if I stopped showing up to school they wouldn't call to check on me, they would probably just send emails, try to call, and then drop me.  My family doesn't call and check on me - I go for months and months without talking to them.  And friends, well, yeah, I don't have any.  I'm not sure when I became aware of how isolated I truly am.  Probably when I decided I wanted friends.

It's a push-pull kind of thing.  I think I want to get close to someone, and then the last time someone suggested going to lunch I was taken aback.  I thought "Oh, that's a big step!".  I hadn't seen the person in probably ten years.  But, like I've been saying, these are old friends, and my other friends I haven't seen in at least 15 years. 

So see, we all aren't friends who are chatting on the phone daily, checking on each other's well being, knowing how the other is doing on a day to day basis.  Would they come to my funeral?  Yes, probably.  But how would they find out I had died?  I've often thought I should give Mark my facebook password because if anything ever happened, no one would ever know.  No way.  It's not like they would call me and I wouldn't answer for a week and they would think "Hmm, that's odd...".
But then again, if they would never know, why should I care?  Why should THEY care? 

I think what I'm going to do is try not to focus so much on MYSELF, how *I* feel.  Perhaps I should just concentrate on making OTHER people feel happy.  In turn, maybe that will make me feel happy.  I don't feel cared about, so maybe I should make other people feel cared about.  If they feel cared about, maybe that in turn will just simply make me feel good. 

It's hard, though.  I keep wondering what I did, even though I know I'm in this self-afflicted isolation camp.  I pushed everyone away, everyone.  And now I want them back, and they're not scurrying like little mice towards me.  Why would they?  But it hurts.  I feel so unloved. 

So lonely.  It really doesn't matter what the reason is, why, who, where, when, anything.  I think everyone just wants to feel that they MATTER.  That's why, whenever people are talking to me, no matter where I am, McDonald's drive-thru or the jewelers, I look people in the eye when I'm talking to them.  Because I want them to know I *see* them, that they DO matter, and I try to let them know, in some fashion, that I care, even if I just say sincerely "have a nice day".  You never know, that may be the only nice thing that person hears from someone all day.

Still No Friends

Maybe I've posted this before, I don't know.  But I don't feel like I have anything in common with my old friends.  And I don't feel like I have much in common with the people I go to school with now.  So who does that leave me to be friends with?  No one.  I'm not saying I have to have *everything* in common with someone to be friends with, but just the very foundation, just the basics, you know?  I don't have kids, but virtually all women my age have kids at some age and, well, I must admit, it has changed them.  For the better, for the worse - they would say for the better, of course.  Yes, I am interested in their a point.  Their kids are their lives, not my lives.  I don't have to worry about this or that to do something, yet I have to wait on them to figure out how to do something or go somewhere.  When I'm tired, I go to bed.  If I want to take a nap, I take one.  When Mark and I want to see a movie, or go to dinner, or go on vacation, we just go.  Yes, I love kids, and I know I would love my own child madly, but I don't have one, so...yeah, I have nothing in common with my friends who have kids.  Asking someone to do something and them telling me "Oh, I have to wait for so-and-son's soccer schedule first..." just makes me want to blow them off as someone who isn't serious about our friendship.  Yes, I get that people have to check first in general, maybe with their husband or wife even, before they make plans, but get this.  TWO MONTHS LATER after I asked my friend to go to a baseball game with me and she said she needed to wait for her son's sports schedule first, she sent a schedule to me and asked when I wanted to go.  My response?  None.  I didn't bother to reply.  Being blown off for two months is not my idea of friendship, and to use your child as an excuse, well, just makes me think that I don't want to be friends with people with children, which is what my old friends have made me think.  My other old friend I asked to go to a baseball game (by the way, these are both big baseball fans) said she'd love to go after pestering me all last year to get together with her.  So she said that her daughter from college would be so excited to see me again.  Well, I didn't invite her, and I haven't seen her since she was two or three, why exactly would she be excited to see me?  Sure, I sent her a high school graduation gift, but that hardly counts as being excited to see someone.  So what happened?  It got blown off, by both of us.  Mostly by her, I kept telling her to pick a date without acknowledging her daughter's excitement and she never did, and that was that.  She later posted pictures on facebook of being at the baseball game.  Why EXACTLY am I trying?  Perhaps I'm putting too much emphasis on them having kids.  Perhaps they just don't want to be friends with ME.  Maybe I'm looking for an excuse for it NOT to be me, when actually it is.

I'll send emails to people, many times they won't reply.  They're not sad or complaining or anything - mostly asking them about themselves.  Yes, I have blown off ALL of my friends for a very long time, and am just now coming out of my shell.  Maybe I should have expected some of this.  But it's not like THEY tried or broke down my door trying to be friends.  No one has done that. 

It's very lonely.  I have marriage counseling today, which I LOATHE and have not been back since the big blow-out, and am NOT looking forward to it.  I'm always afraid she's going to ask what we do with our friends, because the answer is, for me, nothing.  I do nothing with friends.  I have no friends.  Sure, I have "facebook friends", but those aren't real friends.  Those are electronic connections, many with narcissistic tendencies that just want to show the world how wonderful they are in whatever way they perceive wonderful to be - through family, riches, being clever, beautiful, success, being the most perfect Christian in the whole world, the most ethical and politically correct person in the whole world, there are many ways people perceive being wonderful.  Those people, and they do include the two people mentioned above, are not my friends.

A new quarter at school starts tomorrow.  Maybe I won't be so lonely and sad and bored and will get my mind off of all this.

And, I did happen to score Championship Tickets to the Rangers Game (provided they make it that far), and Mark is going to go with me, so that's massively awesome! : )


I just found out that my Grandma has been in a nursing home for a few months.  No one in my family tells me anything!  My little cousin just happened to mention it in an email in passing, like I already knew.  There's a big problem with this, other than it being very concerning.  I want to visit her, but my mother works in the same nursing home in this very small rural Kansas town.  I haven't seen my mother in 26 years, and haven't talked to her in probably 14 or so.  The last time we talked, she said I would never see her again, I should I always remember her as "beautiful".  Sorry to say, Mom, I never thought you were beautiful, but whatever excuse you want to use not to see me.  I *have* seen recent pictures of her on her husband's (boy is he a sight to see - yucko, a minus 20 on a scale of one to ten) facebook page.  She really hasn't changed that much - still very slender, she's just aged in the face and has gray hair.  How in the world am I going to visit my grandma and not come in contact with my mother, who I hoped I would never have to interact with again?  It would be so uncomfortable.  I mean, I could be nice to her, and then she would be rude back to me, I could be cordial to her, then who knows, that might hurt her feelings, it's all so sensitive.  I'd just rather not go through it at ALL.  Whatever happened, it would be an event, an incident.  Of course, it could be her day off when I go, or it might not be during her hours, or she could find out I'm there and avoid me altogether.  Those are possibilities as well.

Still waiting to hear on the relocation package to Chicago, and still researching suburbs to live.  There's so much to think of - changing psychiatrists is a big one, of course.  I just want to find one who will prescribe what I'm currently taking and leave me alone, is that too much to ask?  Somehow I don't think it works that way, but what I do I know, I haven't tried to find a new psychiatrist since 2000, and that was a DISASTER.  I don't know if I have a good psychiatrist or a bad psychiatrist until I'm in a crisis - a suicide spiral and I need out fast - a quick med change that HAS to be right, and then, and only then, will I find out how good that doctor is.  My current doctor knows me well, he knows exactly what to try, what will work, what won't.  He's been my doctor for 11 years, we've had lots of trial and error experience.  He knows I don't need to come in often, and if I do, I will make an appointment and come in when I need to see him, I won't wait around.  We don't talk a lot, I like that.  I'm just used to the whole process we have.  Ugh, I used to think I didn't like going to him, but when I think about switching, the alternative is not good.

Mark was scaring me last night by telling me there are coyotes in the Chicago suburbs, and showing me this chart that showed what breeds of dogs get eaten the most by coyotes.  The breed of dog that gets eaten the most by coyotes?  Shitzu.  What do I have?  A Maltese-Shitzu.  What was he, and the chart, trying to say?  That coyotes have a special craving for Shitzus?  That Shitzu owners, above all dog owners, need to be careful with their dogs from being eaten by coyotes?  So I had noticed in all the houses we've been looking at on the internet when searching to find one to buy that nobody has fences in their backyards.  But Mark said that didn't matter - the fence would need to be at least 8 feet high to keep out a coyote.  What?  I mean really, what website was he reading?  But I was planning on getting Bailey a long, long leash like thing that you can buy at the pet store and attach or ground down so he could run around the backyard - he could run out about 80 yards from the house or so - plenty of room to play outside for a little 5 pound dog, when it's not cold and snowing of course.  So Mark tells me no, you can never leave Bailey outside unattended, he will get eaten by coyotes.  I mean COME ON, really?  I think it would be this huge national story if there was this huge problem in Illinois of coyotes eating all the little dogs (especially Shitzus).  Yes, we are thinking of living on the outskirts of the city, the outer parts of the suburbs, probably where coyotes have been driven out, but seriously?  My dog can't play in the yard at 3:00 in the afternoon in a residential neighborhood?  Will the coyotes run past all the school children and head straight for my dog? It just seems really far fetched to me.

So, that's about it.  I would really like to know if we're moving before or after Christmas because I do not want to pay for a quarter of school to have to drop and have that tuition added on to my school loan.  My loan is big enough!



What Happened to *Our* Music?

What ever happened to the great music of the early 90's - the "grunge" type of music - when people knew life sucked and they sang about it?  Today's music is all happy and la-la - I mean sure, you throw an Adele in there or a Gotye which is a sad song with a happy melody, or a Maroon 5 "Payphone" that is a break-up song that you can dance to, but I mean where people just sang about how life just SUCKS.  You know - Pearl Jam "Alive", any Stone Temple Pilots, any Nirvana, etc.  Oh, and of course, the song of our generation - "Creep".  Maybe it was a depressing generation - lots of goth, plaid shirts, Doc Martens, but they really "got it".  Life is harsh.  I remember realizing I was depressed when I heard the song "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum because it was exactly how I felt, word for word, and I knew that was not a good thing, or at the very least, I knew that it was something I didn't want.

I'm tired of looking for houses in the Chicago area - not actually Chicago, but the suburbs.  It's good to know what areas we'd like to live, but really, you can't tell anything from the internet - you have to see the house yourself, the city yourself, you have to be there.  And I have no idea what the relo package is, so it's hard to even estimate what we'll have to move on.  It's a waste of time.

I just hate this limbo period - not knowing what is going to happen next in my life - how soon or how far away - not being able to plan for anything.  Like - I would like to go to the symphony around Christmas, but will we be here in December?  So I can't really buy tickets.  There are so many things like that!  I can't make long term plans because I don't know where I'll be, and it's a very uneasy feeling.  I don't even know if I'll like Illinois, I may hate it to the extreme, but I suppose people are usually afraid of the unknown.  I'm not really that afraid, I just want to know what's going to happen.

It seems like there are a lot more job prospect for me in my field when I graduate in Illinois than there are here, I'll be paying less for school, so those are both win-win.  We'll see what happens.  Who knows, the move could fall through because of the relo package.

Runaway Train - Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

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