Getting My Latuda, Thank God

I'm better.  I took 3 klonipin when I broke down yesterday and it calmed me down and left me numb for the rest of the day.  My awesome realtor in Texas went to our house, found my Latuda and sent it overnight to me, so I should have it soon.  After being relatively stable for so long, I had forgotten just how fragile my mental state really is.  Depression is ever so near and close that I just can't take my mental stability for granted.  There is never a good time to "break down" or fall into that impossibly deep hole, but it's letting yourself get so far into it that you can't climb out that scares THE HELL out of me. Let's face it - feeling suicidal scares me which was not the case today, but I was not able to function. I no longer have a psychiatrist, and getting one will require the standard consultation of "getting to know you" before medication is prescribed probably, and I'm dreading that.

Mark kept trying to help, telling me all of the good things in my life and all of the good things in my future, but he doesn't get it.  I kept telling him NOTHING external will make me feel better. I understand that's how a "normal person's" brain works, but not with someone who has a chemical imbalance. I'm looking through dark colored lenses - there is a storm cloud above my head everywhere I go.

Tomorrow I have to go back into the city again.  My school is downtown, and I'm somewhat afraid of going downtown.  Not of the people or anything like that, but of walking in the cold and getting lost.  My first experience was HORRIBLE, and it's FREAKING COLD to be walking to your destination, even just a few blocks. Mark helped me tonight to find the train station in our city and I'm glad he did.  I would have had a lot of trouble finding it on my own, at least the parking lot for the train station. Public transportation is so new to me, but people assure me the Metra is not gross and I won't mind it.  I have no idea how I'll know when I'm at the stop I'll need to get off at.  Do they announce it?  And my Mapquest doesn't work so well in the city.  It leads me all over the place when I'm walking, like in the opposite direction of my destination.  Maybe I'll just get a cab from the train station to school this one time and pay attention to how they get there to school.

I don't have to be at school until later.  They are testing me to see what speed I need to be in, and I'm scared to death. I didn't practice for a month, and just practiced for maybe an hour or two today. I should be in the 140's class because I passed all my 120's, but now I have no idea if I can even pass any 120's. I guess if I don't pass 120's, they can put me in a lower speed and I can work my way back up very quickly as I gain speed again.

We are looking at houses in Naperville and N. Plainfield. We can get a much nicer house in N. Plainfield, but I really want to live in Naperville.  The apartment complex said they've had 6 or 7 complaints about our dog barking.  He's used to being a house dog and not used to all the people coming and going outside of our apartment. We need to hurry and find a house before we get kicked out.  Yes, I'm going to do my best to keep my dog from barking, but it breaks my heart.  He's not an apartment dog.  Actually, we're not apartment people, even though this is an extremely nice apartment.

I guess that's it.  I should probably go back to bed, but as usual, it's the middle of the night, and I don't want to.

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