Date Set

I have a date for my hysterectomy - April 19th.  I'm unsure if I can go through with it.  It seems all too unreal, I can hardly wrap my brain around it.  The doctor's office just talks like it's an every day situation and yes, I'm sure to them it is and it's not a big deal to them, they are just reciting what they tell women every week about a liquid diet the day before surgery, blah blah, but to me, it's a freaking big freak-out deal.  I really am just going to have to not think and dwell on it.  That's a little less than a month away which could either be weeks to get completely frantic and upset about it, or try not to think about it much except to do research about what to expect.  Knowledge is power and the unknown is always scarier.

I feel better today.  I woke up in a much more positive mood, I'm not sure why, and that was before I knew the date of the surgery and was still "drifting nowhere".  Maybe part of it had to do with my guilt of staying home and not being a productive member of society while Mark works so very hard and comes home exhausted every night.  I tried to explain how it made me feel last night, but he said he loves it when I stay home because then I'm able to do extra things for him.  I don't really feel like I do and think he was just being nice and trying to make me feel better, but at least I felt like I was doing something to help *someone*, not a complete waste of space!  He mentioned my making dinner for him every night but I know that wasn't true because I always do that no matter what I'm doing - school, work, whatever, unless I get home late.  Not only is that for him, but I want to know what is in the food we're eating.  I buy the leanest cuts of meat possible, nothing with white flour (which made him pretty upset the first time he grabbed the hot dog buns and discovered they were wheat!), but he can't tell the difference between wheat lasagna noodles and white flour ones, and I wouldn't even be able to HAVE lasagna if I didn't make it myself and make it low fat low cal.  So yes, it is a way that I show him I love him, but it's also for both of our health.  I think it's the only healthy meal he gets every day - the rest of his meals are junk in my opinion, but he runs about 30 miles a week so he stays very lean.

Last Saturday we spent THREE hours at the furniture store picking out the details of some of the furniture that we had chosen.  It was exhausting!  We did two rooms, a dresser for the bedroom, got to a third room, and I realized I did not have a vision and we needed to stop.  I think what we picked is going to look so pretty and I was really excited, but then the designer who was helping us with colors and fabrics told us the furniture would be delivered in SIX to TWELVE WEEKS!  What?!?  And not even all at the same time - I think just as a piece is completed, it will be loaded on a truck and delivered.  I've never had custom furniture so...I assume that's how it all works? 

When we bought our bedroom furniture ten years ago, Mark and I debated about whether to get an armoire or a dresser.  I thought it was really stupid to get an armoire and not a dresser but we couldn't afford both.  He really, really wanted that armoire, so that's what we got.  A few months later, I saw that same dresser that matched our bedroom set and said we should buy it because it won't be around forever, but we didn't, and of course the moment was lost, so we've been without a dresser for ten years.  The crazy thing is, we have this bedroom furniture that is not expensive but I really like it.  People comment on how pretty it is, but I think they would be surprised at how inexpensive it was.  So I think Mark really wanted to make up for not buying that dresser that I wanted so very badly many years ago, and not having one all this time.  He went ALL OUT on a dresser, and yes, it will probably match what we have, not perfectly, and not look like it's a set, but it will match.  But the dresser he picked out by himself and made sure I liked is easily twice the price of all the bedroom furniture we now have put together!  No, it wasn't expensive furniture to begin with, but the best we could do at the time, but he went a little crazy in my opinion, although I think it was for a very sweet reason.  But other things we are planning on buying, I'm just not going to spend a lot of money.  I don't always think that just because something is more expensive makes it prettier or better.  Take art for instance.  I told Mark I would like original contemporary art work, but by struggling unknown artists in the house.  It wouldn't be expensive, it would be original art work, and how cool is that to have new budding artists work in your home?  Every famous artist had to start somewhere, there was someone who thought their work was pretty or interesting, and even if no one else but us like the art work, who cares?  It's our house, and art is very subjective.  I just think original art by unknown artists would be very cool. :) I don't want art from some snobby artist anyway who thinks their art is too good for everyone, and I'm sure I couldn't afford it even if I did.  I read their websites and am like, "seriously?"  Artists, just like everyone else, can get really big heads.  I like people who are still grounded. : ) 

Well, I put EVERYTHING off yesterday, never even leaving the house.  Guess I'll take one check off the list that I needed to do yesterday: go to the grocery store.  Surely THAT can't be too much?


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