Space Out

I'm in some kind of mode that I've been in before, where I don't want to face situations so I put them off, ignore them, pretend they don't exist.  But of course they do, and I will pay for it later, it just seems overwhelming right now.

When I was much younger and living on my own, I didn't want to deal or think about money.  I just pushed it out of my mind, didn't open bills, maybe didn't check my mail for periods at a time, and then I would come home and the electricity would be off.  I'd have to scramble through all the unopened bills to find the cut-off electricity bill and hurry to pay it so it could be turned back on that evening.  A lot of times it's not that I didn't have the money, I just didn't want to think about it.  I have no idea why.  No, I didn't have a lot of money, I was a struggling working girl just trying to make ends meet, but I had the money to pay an electric bill for a one bedroom apartment.  However, I never balanced my checkbook, so at any given time, I really didn't have a clue exactly how much money I had.  So now, everytime the electricity goes out because of storm or who knows, I immediately panic, and Mark can't figure out why I am so frantic about when it will come back on, but maybe it's because in the past, it was always in my control and - ultimately my fault.  I search for the electric bill and call the company right away to report the outage, find out when they expect it to be back on, and go ahead and start making preparations in case it doesn't come on.  This is if it is off for even maybe ten minutes.  Mark will open the refrigerator door and I'll yell at him that the food will spoil - it does seem crazy when I'm doing it after such a short time of the power being out, it's just my intense anxiety that makes me do it.

So now..it's dropping out of school and the surgery.  I just can't deal with them.  It's been over two weeks that I've known I needed to drop out.  Dropping out of school requires me to go all the way downtown and apparently sign some document.  Can't I just fax them a letter?  Send them an email of intent?  Today is the last day to do it without getting a failing grade, but I don't intend to transfer anything from this school anyway, so does it really matter?

And after days of freaking out that the doctor's office wouldn't call me back with a date for my hysterectomy, they finally did and sent me some documents via email.  When I received them, I was supposed to call back and verify with them that I received them.  It even took longer than I expected for them to send the email and I called to ask if they sent it to the right email address, and she said she was getting ready to send it.  But once she sent it, I panicked.  I didn't call her back to tell her I received it.  She called me back and left a message two days ago that I have yet to listen to and of course I haven't listened to it.

I used to call this behavior as "spacing everything off" and I thought I had overcome it, but apparently not.  It's just very hard for me to deal with these things and I have no idea why. 

In the paperwork, I saw that a requirement for the surgery is going to a family doctor and getting a physical and a "history" as well as a blood test and then they fax it to the GYN.  I'm even freaking out over that.  Who do I go to?  The doctor I last went to that I didn't tell him I was bipolar and neglected to tell him the medication I was taking?  Will he then not believe anything I say?  Yet he found something on my CT scan that would be helpful if anything came up in the future and maybe I want to stay with him, but that would require my coming clean.  I'm afraid of his reaction.  I think I told him I don't have any medical issues *at all* - I just went to him because I hit my head on the stupid train and had horrible headaches, why did he need to know my whole medical history?  And he was really nice, tried to get to know me as a person, yet I was dishonest.  I guess I could be honest about why I didn't tell him the truth, actually, what else could I say but the truth? although I might start crying.

I just want to bury my head under the covers and pretend I don't exist.  That sounds awesome, not existing.  Just being air, floating around, no responsibilities, no emotions, no thoughts, just there.

So...as I've been losing weight, yes, I've been fitting into my smaller clothes that I have and other clothes have become looser or fitting better.  Yet, I don't see myself in the mirror as any smaller.  Mark keeps telling me how awesome and how skinny I look, I wish I felt the same way.   Instead, I feel I look the same and see other women as bigger than I saw them before.  I know that all of these women didn't suddenly gain weight, it has to be my perception.  I'm not saying that thin women suddenly look fat to me, they just don't look as thin.  And I look the same as before I lost weight.  I wish I could see MYSELF as smaller and everyone else as what they still looked like instead of the other way, otherwise, I'll never feel like I've lost enough weight.  People will just continue to look bigger and bigger if I continue to lose weight and I'll never be happy with my body, although, that is a sure thing.

So...if I get this hysterectomy, and I'm assuming I will even though I'm scared to death, this will be my last period.  It isn't horrendous yet, but it's coming, so that may light a fire under me.  I've done a lot of research, and the recovery from this surgery - the same type of procedure - really depends on the person.  Some people are fine in about a week and go back to work but feel a bit fatigued for a few weeks, and other people it takes quite a bit longer.  I keep wondering about this tiredness and fatigue women talk about, why is that?  Is it because their bodies are using all of their energy to heal?  That's what my doctor said - I would feel okay, but I would just feel really tired for about three weeks, I would want to nap a lot.  The women in forums have recommended to just give your body as much time as possible because you can't predict what your body will need - maybe it will be short, maybe not, there's no way to tell.  At least the pain doesn't seem to last for very long, it's just some type of tiredness.  It really freaks me out.

I suppose I should prepare myself to do something productive today.  Yesterday I got out of the house and got the dog groomed.  I mean, it's SOMETHING!   
   

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