What Is Wrong With Me....

I'm not doing well.  I'm not quite sure what happened, but maybe it has something to do with dropping out of school and planning to enroll in a school that was closer only to go to the doctor and decide to have surgery and skip a quarter.  But now I'm not getting a call back as to a surgery date and my life is up in the air with no purpose, meaning, nothing to look forward to, I'm currently not aspiring to do or be anything.

Today I needed to leave the house for two reasons:  I had a grooming appointment for my dog, and we need groceries.  I managed to do neither.  I rescheduled the appointment and I'll figure something out for dinner, I'm not sure what.  I just don't think I can bring myself to be around strangers right now - I mean if there was an emergency or I had to go to work or school, yes, I would do it, if there was a responsibility that had to be done but - it really is such a cruel world and I feel like people are constantly judging me - whether they really are or not, I don't know.  I'm always worried about what people think about me and I'm afraid I don't think much of myself so I don't expect others to think much of me either.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself, what I've become, where I am in life.  I live in a nice house and have nice things because of my husband's achievements, but not mine.  I feel like a loser, I'm no different than some kid who dropped out of college and is living with his parents without a clue as to what to do with his life.  Maybe I'm Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate - without graduating or having an affair with a married woman, but the illusion in the movie how he felt he was just drifting along without purpose or meaning and was depressed about it, yes, that's how I feel, except worse, because I'm in my 40's and he had his whole life ahead of him - and plastics. 

When I first moved here, to the Midwest in general, wow, I thought everyone was SO SO nice, I couldn't believe it, but maybe I was looking at everything with rose colored glasses, or maybe I just live in a very snobby neighborhood where I thought people were going to be so different.  The next door neighbor(s), I don't even know how many people live there or who they are, are right now having a tall backyard fence installed.  There are no other fences in sight, which I always thought was weird coming from Texas where everyone has a backyard fence but...when in Rome?  Such strange timing - we just moved in about a month ago and they never had a fence before and now they are getting one?  And I'm finding out my entire neighborhood is not the nice community I thought it was.  Yes, when I run on the trail and I see people they wave and smile, but I'm starting to remember from when I used to live in the Midwest that people are typically always nice to your face and can say horrible things about you behind your back.  True, it's that way everywhere, but it's not as bad where I used to live.  In Dallas, people pretty much acted the way they felt.  If they didn't like you, they didn't act like they did unless they had to,for business reasons for instance.  People could be pretty darn rude, but at least you knew where you stood, I didn't realize that was a good thing at the time.  So...I think when I first moved here I took the initial friendliness as being genuine, because that is how it would have been where I was, but now I see, not always of course, but sometimes that's just a culture thing.  And you know what?  That's how I am too.  People always think I am SO NICE when they meet me, and that's because I grew up in the Midwest.  That's just how we are.  The funny thing is, now when people meet me HERE, they call it "Southern Charm".  Ha!

Well, it's the end of the day, and once again, the doctor's office did not call.  Even though my doctor called me twice on Saturday morning saying he was looking through my file (randomly on a Saturday morning?) and left a message asking if I got an order for a blood count not even knowing yet that I had decided to get a hysterectomy, totally freaking me out, leaving his desk number instead of the office number wanting me to call him right then before he left but I had to leave him a message, no one has bothered to call me today.  Another day with no plan, no purpose, no will to do anything. 

My life is going nowhere.  And I don't know if I have the will or the strength to do anything about it, but I know I have to, somehow.   

4 comments:

Kristy said...

I can relate when I have less responsibility I feel like my purpose is challenged. I think the most important thing is to adhere to structure even though I'm horrible at it. I can also relate to my life passing by when I judge myself to what other people and family are doing. I think we judge are selves to harsh. I know I'm my worst critic.

KansasSunflower said...

Yes, that is so true, I think we are our worst critics. I wonder how people who are not their worst critics do it? Were they raised by parents who told them they were the most wonderful, special person in the world and never criticized them their whole lives and they still believe it? You're right, I need structure. I'll get it, eventually. I'm just in limbo right now and I hate it!

susie said...

I think your blog sounds more upbeat at your new place. Think about it, it was busy, busy, busy, with the move, and school, and decorating...and now it's more humdrum since you are settling in. If I were you, I would give myself a few months to wander and check things out. The library, the local arboretum, shopping in Geneva, the dog park, IKEA, the hip Chicago neighborhoods, the Art Institute, etc. In the Fall, you can figure out a plan.

KansasSunflower said...

Susie, yes, you're right. I was having a horrible day yesterday. I was super down and when I get that way, I don't know how long I'll stay that way. Overall, I have been more upbeat, and I think it has been because I've been more busy, that's part of what keeps me happy I think. Those are all great ideas - I just need to get off my butt and do them! : )

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