All Alone

I'm down today, I felt like if I started to cry I might not be able to stop so I took a couple of klonipin.  I'm don't really think that is why they are prescribed as I believe I was given them for panic and anxiety.  I've usually been very good at taking my psychiatric medications as prescribed except perhaps I don't always take AS MUCH of everything as is prescribed, but maybe I'm living under false assumptions and am not facing reality.

I may have already been down, I don't recall, but I was reading a forum that is *supposed* to encourage students in my future industry, and it is usually incredibly encouraging.  It is very hard to be a student where you practice for hours on end every day just to fail tests day after day, week after week, and the drop out rate is incredibly high, I think the average graduation rate of those who begin a program is 5%?  That's horrible, but it's very hard to stay motivated. 

So...someone had interned while they were in school, would be graduating soon, and were approached by a firm and offered a job while still in school.  In her state they don't require certification, and she was very excited and accepted the position and was going to start taking night courses.  She only posted because she was happy and excited, and I'm sure wanted our support and congratulations, as well as to encourage other students, which I did find it encouraging.  BUT.  At first there were a lot of well wishes...until...someone currently IN the industry, not a student, was, what I thought, quite rude and a debbie-downer.  She told her to stay in school, which okay, maybe that was good advice, I don't know, but then went further to say how her work would not be up to par and she would contribute to giving the industry a bad name since she wasn't ready.  There was more, I don't remember what, and don't care to read it again, but seriously?  She doesn't even KNOW this girl.  She doesn't know what school she attends, what her work looks like, what she will be doing or what will be required of her in her new job, I could go on and on.  She just wanted to be negative or a know it all, or who knows what.

So more people in the industry jumped on the bandwagon, and it became a discussion of certifications.  I mean, hello?  This is a forum to ENCOURAGE STUDENTS?  Who are trying to stay motivated to stay in school because they keep failing tests after practicing their hearts out? 

I read through this one post and all the comments and, just wow.  You would have to read it to get the full effect, I haven't read it all since last night and I don't want to read it again just to remember how negative it was, it upset me.  So...I did finally post something.  I congratulated the girl because I felt so bad for her, but was also very happy for her, and one person actually called her a "wannabe", but then I also posted how as a student, the comments from those currently in the industry had me greatly discouraged.  I thought as an industry people were more supportive of each other than that, but wow, either that is just a bad batch, or...these are some competitive cut-throat bitchy people.   I logged on to facebook this morning, and had several messages attacking ME.  Really?  I'm being attacked for saying I'm discouraged by someones comments?  How exactly does that change my mind about the way that I feel?  And apparently they are not at all there to encourage students, I'm not really sure why they are there at all.  Superiority complex?  It seems like they are threatened by new people coming into their field, which if that is the case, please don't join that forum!

So now...what the hell am I doing?  I've worked in corporate, cut-throat environments with people clawing their way to the top, stepping on the heads, hands and toes of each other to get to the next level, least to each other's FACES, they ACTED as if they were happy for each other when they got a new job, a new promotion, whatever.  It was more political, people knew how to be politically correct at all times.  And I've worked at the toughest corporate places - places where people can stay an average of about two years and then get the hell out unless they're a Partner or thrive in that type of environment, like Mark seems to do, although it's really, really tough on him some days.  I decided long ago I'm just not a person who should live that way, it's not healthy for me.  Some can handle and even enjoy the constant competitiveness and stress, but it gets to me eventually as do the long hours and I've consciously chosen what I thought was a path that would not in any way deal with people that were like those in the corporate world.

So...I read this forum with these bitchy women and am just floored and crushed, especially after being attacked over saying I was now discouraged instead of encouraged.  Sure, I know everyone is not a nice person.  And...I'm also sensitive to the fact that I am not getting much human contact so the smallest of interaction with people I'm sure is magnified.  It's not something to feel like crying and crying over...yet, at the same time, this is my future career that I've been working so hard for quite some time and I'm just finding out the people I may be working with have horrible personalities and want to bring people down instead of up.  They say negative things, and cover it up by calling themselves "realists".  Sure, I've done the same thing - known I wasn't saying the nicest of things but claimed *I* was being the realist while others were in fairyland.

I think, to me, I've learned an important lesson.  They don't know how fragile my mental state is right now.  They don't know how hard I took their comments and attacks and it made me want to cry.  They don't know my living situation, that I'm alone in a new city, facing a surgery next week, home all day by myself after taking a quarter off from school.  When I get in my own moods, sometimes I say things without thinking, not nice things at all, and I don't stop and think about this very situation, what if there was someone who was where I am today taking in what I had to say on that day, which wouldn't be pleasant.  I'm not replying to them and I've unfollowed the post for my own mental health.      

I could also be, unknowingly, somewhat sad, and of course I'm scared, about the hysterectomy in a week and am choosing not to think about it as much as possible.  I'm not happy that I don't feel 100% after the Shamrock Shuffle on Sunday, but the doctor did say to give the medication two weeks to feel better.  It just seems like now the old cough-variant asthma symptoms are returning as well, but maybe that's part of the healing process, I don't know.  Going to the doctor isn't the answer, what would he say?  Take the medication, use the inhalers, wait two weeks.  Okay, I'm doing that, I'm not miserable, I don't feel "sick" like the flu, I'm just a big baby and want to feel okay.  I really think I've turned into a big baby, maybe I'm an attention seeker.  It doesn't seem like I am, I really hate going to the doctor, but I don't understand why I keep finding myself there.  I must be going for things that before I used to blow off I guess, I can't explain it.  Did I just not get sick before?  I know when I did, I always understood why, and could buy the answer over the counter.

Mark's said his coworkers keep asking him when am *I* going to have them over to see the new house.  *I*?  Like *I* am keeping them from coming over?  I don't see them every day.  I'm not the one that would be inviting them over.  But yes, I would like to finish furnishing the house, and unfortunately, furniture just takes a freaking long time to build the way you want it and get delivered, and we still have two rooms to go. 

I don't even know if I'm suitable to be around people right now.  Sure, I hung out with his coworkers for a brief time last week before my allergies hit after the run, and they were so nice and we had a great conversation, but it was short.  I wonder what in the world do I even have in common with ANYONE anymore.

I feel so alone.  I'm just really, really lonely.  And the very few times I do reach out, it seems like some of those get handed back to me with my ass on a plate.  For some reason, I've been thinking about this once in awhile lately.  You read once in awhile where old people will die and leave everything to their caregivers and nothing to the family, and the family gets all upset and take the caregivers to court, yet the family was never there for them, or rarely.  Besides Mark, who is mostly absolutely wonderful to me, do you know who the very nicest people to me are?  Our maids.  They are always SO nice and SO friendly, they light up just because you want to have a conversation with them, just giving them attention outside of a worker/employer situation seems to make them very happy.  They are very warm and pleasant individuals.  I can totally see why someone would choose to leave their wealth to their employees over their family.  True, you pay employees to do a job, they're paid to be with you, to take care of you, to do your work, whatever, and your family isn't.  Yet, being paid or not, being their job or not, they are the ones that stay with you, and the family wasn't.  They were the ones that kept you happy and kept you company and made you feel good for however many years they worked for you, maybe made you feel loved and special, who knows.  The family?  It usually sounds like they abandoned them and waited to inherit their fortune.  So who deserves the money?  Is it a reward?  Or is a right?  If it were me, if I were the lonely person who had been deserted by friends and family with only my caretakers and employees, I wouldn't think twice.  To hell with family and, well, can they be called friends?  I think it's people who make you happy and who are loyal and are there for you, whether you pay them or not, who most likely expect nothing but the paycheck that they've earned, that should be left part of the fortune, and ZERO to the family, absolutely NOTHING.  But of course, always something to animal shelters, always. : )  Animals are very special little beings that we must take care of, all of us. : )

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