How I Generally Feel on the Weekends

I usually feel better on the weekends and feel like a complete moron for writing such pitiful, self indulgent posts during the week.  I guess it's hard to have whole days alone just to think - think - think, waiting for surgery, waiting for school, always waiting! On the weekends Mark is home and we keep somewhat busy, where during the week he gets home and is *so tired* from working so hard, I make dinner, and he goes to bed incredibly early.  Maybe by 9:00 or usually before?  When you get home at 6:30 or sometimes later, take the time to change your clothes, put things away, eat dinner, and he cleans the kitchen after I cook (totally not my idea - he just thinks it's fair if I cook then he should clean, I can't stop it, I've tried), there's not much time left before he goes to bed.  So I take my medications really early and go to bed with him and get up super early with him as well, usually before him.  4:00 am?  5:00 am?  I try to sleep *as late* as I possibly can, but if I can sleep through the night, I consider that a success no matter what time I wake up.

A few pieces of our furniture were delivered today - the console and the dresser.  The dresser - oh my gosh!  It's beautiful, I had no idea everything he was picking out for the dresser, I just saw the total price for that piece and was like "What the??  It's one piece of furniture!"  Now that I see it, I get it.  They set it up and left and I asked him which drawers he wanted - he wanted none of them - he said it was all mine.  Like I am going to be so selfish and take up the whole thing?  Not that I don't have enough clothes to fill it, but it's ours, not mine.  He then, just I suspected this whole time, started saying how horrible he had felt for so long about not buying that dresser I wanted so long ago with the bedroom set we bought and insisting on the armoire instead.  Yes, I will concur it was foolish to buy an armoire and not a dresser, but I got over that a long time ago, and buying this elaborate dresser and being so selfless and not taking any drawers to ease the guilt is ridiculous! Incredibly sweet, but totally unnecessary.  After awhile, I started moving my things into the dresser, and wow, as huge as the darned thing is, I couldn't believe all of the clothes I have that needed a dresser and was filling it up!  I left him three drawers, smaller drawers, but still - three drawers, but he hasn't even attempted to put anything into them, saying he has what he needs already.  Come on, one of the things he uses is a plastic three drawer see-through cabinet I bought for each of us at the Container Store (because we didn't have a dresser!)  He can at least move THAT!  If he won't do it, then I will. After all, I have all the time in the world. Suddenly, our bedroom furniture that people used to compliment (regardless of what it cost) doesn't look so great anymore in comparison, but I still like it a lot and it matches well enough. : )

Today I finally feel better, I think the medication for my "asthma" and "allergies" is kicking in.  I use parentheses's just really difficult to completely believe I have what doctors say I have.  Yes, I know that one of the ways to prove cough-variant asthma is when treated, it gets better and/or goes away.  But...I also have not been running since last Sunday, so which is it?  The medication or stopping cardio?  This is exactly what happened last year.  The doctor said I got better because of the medication, it was cough-variant asthma, but I told him I wasn't running nearly as much, so I stopped taking it and I was fine until...I started running again in Chicago which for some reason makes me feel way, way worse than in Dallas. 

Mark thinks it's because I'm "not in shape", and compared to HIM, no, I'm not, but he runs about 30 miles a week and has a pace of less than 7 minutes.  I'll probably never do that - especially the speed.  That's just crazy fast.  I can run 3 miles, no problem, and I just ran 5 miles, but was worried about my stamina, then realized later I should have been worried about my finishing time, my stamina was fine.  Everyone has their own definition of what "in shape" is.  I have absolutely no upper body strength, I mean ZERO.  My legs are chicken skinny, yet they are strong and can run up any hill at the same pace I started the hill.  I think my breathing problems have taught me to push through anything, no matter how hard the run, which Mark has never had to learn to do, not that everyone doesn't have their days of having a hard run for no particular reason.  I have all of these mental ninja tricks when I think I can't go any further, when I'm about to give out, when I want to quit or stop, to keep myself going.  I asked Mark if he did this too, and he had no clue what I was talking about.  So I said it was just easier for him, to which he took offense.  No, running was NOT easy for him, he worked very hard at it, and yes, while he does, I don't think he understands how much I suffer to do it and I'm realizing he doesn't experience what I do.  It's like he's in the Olympics and I'm in the Special Olympics or something, we're just not made the same and for some reason I've been handicapped, but it doesn't make it impossible for me.  I just have obstacles to overcome that others don't and it's difficult to live with someone who is a superstar runner that amazes people with his talent while I just feel lucky to be there and participate.  I was offended that the Shamrock Shuffle sent him a survey about everything about the event, asking him to rate everything, but they didn't even bother to send me one.  Yes, they wanted someone in the top 2% of runners to be happy with the event and make sure he comes back next year, but someone like me, they couldn't care less what I thought about it. 

Now I'm rambling, I'm going to go to bed.  Night. : )




susie said...

You should make a copy of his survey for yourself. "In case you care, this is what I think about the Shamrock Shuffle....." and send it in.

There is no way in hell I could run five miles.

Kimberly said...

You said mental use of the word ninja...ever.
I remember when we first got our dresser. I sucked up all the space. I left my husband with 3 and a half.
He used a full drawer for boxers and socks.
He's a hoarder of undergarments I think

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - yes! Good idea, I think I should! I'm sure they know if I don't come next year my spot will be easily filled - they close after 40,000 people sign up and that is over a month before the race, so perhaps it would be filled with a superstar runner, I don't know, but geez, can't a regular person have their day, too? : )

KansasSunflower said...

Kimberly - funny! My husband hoards the same things! White t-shirts, socks and underwear. And, of course....tons and tons of running clothes! That's where we are different - I have maybe two sports bras. : )

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - I forgot to say! Yes, of course you can run five miles! All of my life I never thought I could run either, and when I started, I thought running 45 seconds at a time was freaking HARD (that's where I started)! I'll bet you can already run better than that! But there are apps like Couch to 5k on the iphone and others, and I promise, anyone can run, as long as they physically have limbs and are medically able I suppose. : ) You can, seriously, you can. : )

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