Weight Loss And Weight Ramblings

I've felt better, much better the last few days.   The irritation has subsided, mostly.  I'm still taking two Lamitcal daily instead of one which I will continue to do for awhile, although I have no idea if it has had time to have had any effect on me whatsover.  I don't really care either way, I just want to feel and be better and that is one thing that has worked in the past so I will continue to do it.

Friday was my weigh day, and I was shocked to see I had lost another 3.1 pounds!  I am so surprised that the weight loss is really not slowing down at all.  So in about seven weeks I've lost around 21 pounds.  For me, that's a freaking lot!  In the past, I've always been and felt very lucky and happy to lose 5 pounds in one month.  Today was my monthly checkup at the weight loss clinic, and yes, I did look out of place there now that I weigh 129(.4), (I'm 5'6"), and the women were pretty much sizing me up and down, but I don't know that everyone wasn't doing that to everyone else in general.

I got on the scale and the, I guess she's a nurse, I don't really know what she is, seemed shocked and told me I had lost 11 pounds this month.  What do you say to that?  I was embarrassed for some reason, I just said "must have been because I wore boots last time...".  So...she wrote everything down and gave me a bottle of phentermine for this month and I asked her if I didn't reach my goal weight, which is 120, could I come back again the following month?  And she said, "you'll reach your goal weight."  And I said, "yes, but if I don't, can I come back?"  Actually, she didn't know it, but it was really a test question.  I wanted to see how shady this place is, if they just keep giving out medication to anyone who wants it.  So she finally said "yes".  Yes, of course I WANT to lose more weight, I'm not at my goal weight yet, but would a doctor would actually prescribe a prescription diet pill for me?  I don't think my family doctor would do that, but I haven't asked him, either.  He ran a blood test on me and I didn't tell him I took phentermine and it came back normal.  I was so scared it was going to say I was on something!

But....I was feeling pretty good about myself...until I went to Lululemon to buy something new to the Shamrock Shuffle - the 8k run in Chicago tomorrow.  I tried on these size 6 running pants that were so cute and fit really well, but I wanted to also try on the size 8 just to see the difference, so I asked the guy to bring them to me.  When he was going to look for them, he asked another girl how the size FOUR's were going for HER!  Ugh.  I instantly felt fat again.  There will always be thinner, younger, and prettier girls no matter who you are, where you live, what you do, it doesn't matter.  But I started thinking...maybe she wears a 4, but I have friends in Texas that wear a 0 and find it hard to find clothes.  So would she feel fat compared to them?  Lululemon is crazy - they have size DOUBLE 0!  Who in the FREAK wears a double 0 as an ADULT???  I think I wore a double 0 when I was 14 and my mother (who was a very young mother and was serious about jeans) took me jean shopping at an adult clothing store, and that was the smallest size they had and only one pair fit me.  But again, I was in junior high!  Somehow I don't think I'll be able to get back to my fighting 14-year-old weight again.  Ha!  Especially since I was a very late bloomer in every way!

I know this is an entry all about weight, sorry, it's just on my mind.  When we walked all over Chicago to pick up our packet today, I was observing people wondering why they were overweight or obese because it seemed so easy to lose weight.  But then I thought...no, it's definitely not easy AT ALL.   It's really, really hard.  I didn't lose almost 70 pounds overnight, I started this journey almost two years ago and I'm not finished yet, so that's a slow progress of maybe 35 pounds a year.  It's not easy, and it's not fast, and I had an obesity related death that inspired me and a husband that told me I needed to lose weight which were both very tragic and heartbreaking to me.  I found out I was moving out of state and gained ten pounds that I had lost, but I learned to run which is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it's been about two full years of hard work and SO MUCH willpower.  Yes, the last 20 pounds I've gotten help from a weight loss clinic.  I stalled and needed a push, a jump start, what I was doing had stopped working.  But even then, the 20 pounds I just lost, those were super hard too and took major effort.  Of course there were so many times I was starving and wanted to eat something else instead of a hard boiled egg for a snack, or snack on something when I woke up in the middle of the night, somehow I've been able to stop myself, but it's tough.  I mean TOUGH.  Honestly I don't know where I get the willpower, but if I don't have it, I know from experience it doesn't work.  Diet pills, no diet pills, exercise, no exercise, anything, without the willpower, I fail every time.  Nothing just works and you change nothing about your lifestyle like some claim on television.  Of course you have to change...like, just about everything about your lifestyle! 

So, losing 4 more pounds was my original goal - 125 - we'll see how I feel when I get there.  I already know I will see myself as fat, maybe it's a body dysmorphia thing?  Perhaps I need counseling, I don't know. 

One more thing about weight but it's not really about weight.  Mark and I went to get our Illinois driver's license, and they put us together because, I don't know why really, but they did.  So they ask us questions at the same time, we do everything by the same person at the same time, one after the other.  SO.  They guy asked Mark, "Hair?  Eye Color?  Height?  Weight?"  And I'm thinking...oh my gosh...I've never told Mark a single time in 15 years how much I weighed!  So the DMV guy gets to me and asks me to same questions, and I take off a few pounds and say 125.  I think that sounds okay enough, and besides, who cares?  Texas asked that too, and they must have just put it in their computers.

So...they give you your ACTUAL license before you leave, you don't leave with a temporary license and wait for the original in the mail.  Of course, what girl doesn't look to check out the picture right away?  But then I was horrified!  My WEIGHT was on my driver's license!  Why in the world does my weight need to be advertised on my driver's license?  People's weight goes up and down in four years by so much, or at least it can, or it has for me anyway.  Height, that stays the same, eye color, sure, hair color?  Probably the same, but you never know.  But weight?  One nice thing about it though was that the DMV took 5 pounds off of what I said and put my weight as 120, so I wasn't quite as horrified, but still...my weight on my driver's license?  What if I had said I weighed 95 pounds or 250?  What if I had said I was 6 foot 6 or 4 foot 11?  Would he have broken out the hardware and measured/weighed me?  And WHY do they need to know this, and if they do, which they must because Texas does too, WHY does it have to be advertised on my driver's license?  Very frustrating.

I would have loved to have seen my dad get asked by the DMV how much he weighed.  That would have been entertaining, he would have been so offended, not that I would have wanted to see him be offended, but his reaction to the DMV person would have been priceless.  I wonder if my dad even knew how much he weighed?  I told Mark this, and he said "your dad would have never gotten a driver's license."  I got mad when he said that, I didn't understand what he meant, but then I realized, oh....he had glaucoma, he was legally blind, he couldn't drive a car!  But still, it made me wonder, those people who fight for "obesity acceptance" and hand cards to doctors saying only to weigh them if needed to know for things like medication dosage, and then only tell them the number if they ask for it, how do they react when asked what they weigh, and then see that it's printed on their Illinois driver's license for all to see?  And NO, I don't think anyone should be humiliated or shamed because of their weight, no one should be cruel, people aren't what they weigh, but accepting your loved one as being obese knowing the dire health risks, no matter how active they are, is not acceptable in my opinion.  But that does not mean to belittle them, which I never did to my father.  But obviously, I did not do enough of whatever it was I should have done.

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