So, I have no idea why I had been avoiding it, but I had. I dreaded it, I did NOT want to watch it. I think deep down, I really don't consider myself any different than anyone else. I don't FEEL mentally ill. Why is what I feel or do or say or think anything different than anyone else? How are THEY different than ME? I don't like thinking that way. I don't want to be different, I don't want to admit it. I convince myself I'm not mentally ill, yet take all of these pills at night. My husband watches me, they're all lined up on the counter every night, and I make excuses. "Oh, those aren't ALL for my mental health, it's also allergies, and for sleep and for constipation..." which is true, but I'm trying to keep the focus off of the biggest reason I take medication every day, I know I am. I'm very embarrassed, even to my husband, who has taken me to the psych ward, gone to counseling with me. If I can't admit it to myself, how can I expect other people to accept it?
So I'm watching this show, and it's five stories, I think - different types of mental illnesses. Yes, there was one where a woman had bipolar disorder - SO not me. I don't have those extreme ups like she did, and while I'm sure others do, I couldn't relate. But...I could relate to how all of the mentally ill people FELT about their illness, how people treated them, how they felt about what people thought of them, and especially, ESPECIALLY what they thought of themselves because of their illness. How they were unsure of their futures - could they be successful? Yes, I HAVE been successful while having this mental illness, I'm just in limbo now. It was heartbreaking, and I don't think there was a single moment of the show where I wasn't crying, tears running down my face, I just wanted to lay my head in my pillow and cry and cry. Wow, just thinking about it right now I can feel the lump in my throat and I'm trying not to cry.
Maybe some people embrace their mental illness, is that possible? I see where some people have NO TROUBLE just telling people what they have, what they take, it's part of who they are. Yet that's not me. I've never known anything other than who I am and how I've felt, so normal? What is that? That isn't what I feel, who I've been, what I am? Yes, there have been times where it has been hard to function, impossible to function, and I realize that is NOT normal.
I think, overall, I am just so healthy, am I right? Am I wrong? My blood tests come back with everything SO GREAT - blood levels - perfect. Sugar level, cholesterol, fat, vitamins, everything, all in range. Blood pressure - low and normal. Heart rate - same. All of the normal indicators would suggest I'm very, very healthy. Yet...I just had a hysterectomy, but I got RID of that problem. Check that off the list! I've never had a problem with dust or dirt IN MY LIFE! Now all of a sudden it makes me very ill? I ran out of Singulair (it's now a generic, I can't remember the name), and didn't take it for just one day, and the lawn care company showed up that day in a big dump truck of dirt for the garden beds and I have no idea what else, I wasn't outside. They were here for about four hours, I didn't go outside, but later my silly dog went out and rolled around in the dirt in the beds and came in covered in the stuff. That night, I felt very sick, like I was going to throw up. I thought it was because I ate raw cookie dough - I had made Mark a Texas shaped cookie cake for his birthday, and in the process ate a lot of the dough, but I've done that since I was a kid! But I knew if I didn't fall asleep fast, I was going to puke.
The next day - omg. I was SICK. Horrible headache, it felt like I had a head cold or something. I actually took hydrocodone my head hurt so bad. Once the headache subsided I realized...oh, this might be allergies, but wth, what is it? The FREAKING DIRT?? Seriously, I played in dirt when I was a kid, who hasn't?? Why didn't I get sick when I was a kid?
Mark came home from work and stopped at the store to pick up my prescription. I took one right away, one again that night, kept using Symbicort for this stupid asthma I "supposedly have" and need to "trust my doctor I have", and sure enough, the next day I was much better.
So he said, "Wow, you are just a really sick person, aren't you!" I am? I don't think I am. I think I am a very healthy person! I make sure I eat vegetables, fruit, very lean beef or chicken, exercise when I can which I can't for two more weeks, am I overall a sick person?
I think I'm a healthy person. Yes, I have a mental disorder, but you know, I'm FINE. It barely exists, it is just kind of there, I know nothing else. I'm allergic to dirt, and well, exercise, exercise induced asthma. Kind of sounds princess-y, doesn't it? Allergic to dirt and exercise? Ha! Doctors will tell you to stay away from dust, lecture you like you're a smoker or something, but no doctor in the world will tell you not to exercise. They will pump you full of enough drugs until you're able to move and not sniffle or cough! : )
There are people a lot worse than I am. I have a few issues I'm getting under control, but overall, yes, I think I am a VERY healthy person. I mean...as much as I can control, right?