Is It Wrong To Wish Someone Didn't Exist?

So...I'm sure everyone is getting information overload about the tornado in Oklahoma, and I am doing my best to stay away from media about it.  I've been extremely emotional lately and happened to find out about it before anyone else somehow and when I was breaking the news to people who didn't yet know, I didn't get the reaction I expected which upset me even more and made me question all of humanity in tears.  So, yeah, I'm staying away.

But I made a comment to my husband which seemed - well, maybe not NORMAL but at least I *thought* it was understandable or I never would have said it, yet he didn't understand it at all and didn't think it was right.  My abusive ex-boyfriend lives in Oklahoma City, I've talked about him before in my blog and certainly don't want to get all upset right now and talk about it again!  Briefly, we lived together for around two years, several arrests were made for domestic violence, there was a court ordered protection order for a year, of course horrible fights, bruises that everyone could see, people trying to intervene but...blah.  It was a horrible, horrible time and I really don't care to remember just how horrible at this moment.  It was extremely, extremely hard for me to leave that relationship, I can't exactly explain why except that I felt I couldn't go on without him for some really bizarre reason.  Typical battered women's syndrome I suppose.  I saw him as two people - I really did.  This most wonderful prince charming that would stay that way if only I just didn't do this or that that he said always made him so mad.  Because I *did* talk about it in my blog before, one smart ass commenter said not to say things unless the person was actually prosecuted (uh, probably because I posted his picture which I have since removed?) : )  YES, HE WAS PROSECUTED.  I dropped the charges over and over again until they would no longer let me - the district attorney said out of the three charges he had for just one of the incidents, he would only drop two and he pled guilty and was punished.  So...I read all the time in the news that somehow reporters find out about people being charged with things that are later dropped, so I guess even all of those times are on his record as well.

ANYWAY, back to my thought process and comment.  He lives in Oklahoma City as far as I know, last I knew.  Is it really that wrong that part of me was hoping he had met his demise in the tornado? Look at this from my point of view!  I know what he is capable of doing, how he can hurt someone physically, how he snaps, what he says to someone to threaten them, how he controls them, even what he does to animals.  I feel some of the weight of that on my shoulders, whatever he may be doing now, to whomever it may be.  Can people change?  That extremely?  Can one relationship actually be that toxic between two people, yet those same two people go on to normal relationships without physical or emotional abuse?  I just can't see that happening.  He's too controlling, but was it me?  How would I ever know?  Yes, part of his punishment was an anger management class, but he said that he and everyone in that class was court ordered to be there and they all laughed about it the whole time they were there!  Maybe he said that to me to prove I didn't prove anything to him and nothing I could do could change him, or maybe he did get something out of it and actually changed.  Too many "what if's" and "I'll never knows".

So yes, I did search the internet for a list of victim names and was kind of hoping to see his name.  It wasn't there, and...I was a little disappointed.  That would bring a big peace of mind to me, not that I stay up and worry about it or anything.  But just to know that he no longer exists and would no longer be able to hurt anyone ever again?  That isn't normal?  Mark thought it was awful I would think that, and compared it to him thinking that he would never wish his ex-wife were dead even though she cheated on him.  Yes, I feel very bad for him that he was extremely hurt that she cheated on him, but this guy cheated on me as well, and it's just not the same!  Him cheating on me didn't even enter my mind when I was looking for his name as a victim.  That was the furthest thing I was thinking about - I had actually forgotten all about it and now...sure, it's not a pleasant memory but it's forgettable in comparison to everything else.

I talked to him, not in person, about six or seven years ago, and I warned him, very seriously.  I told him IF he ever did ANYTHING to ANYONE that would cause someone to try to find me because of our history (legally) to testify against him because of something he had done, I would absolutely testify against him, I would do everything I could to make sure he got whatever he deserved. 

What other means do I possibly have to try and stop him from hurting someone again?  That's all I have.  Any other opportunities I had to stop him from doing it to someone else I let go by my own stupidity and blindness.

I don't want him to suffer, I mean, I certainly don't wish him to be homeless or painfully, chronically sick or a foregone alcoholic or drug addict or anything like that.  But I most certainly don't wish success and prosperity on him either.  I wasn't wishing pain on him in a tornado, that didn't even cross my mind until just now, that's not what I was thinking at all.  I just don't want him to exist! 

A really weird thing though.  When I did talk to him all those years ago, he was curious and was asking was I married, what was Mark like, what did he look like, all of these strange questions.  I have no idea why I continued to talk to him, but I remember one thing I did say was that Mark was very lean, he had the body of a runner.  I don't know why that still stands out to me, it just always has - maybe he grilled me on that or something, he's always been very into fitness and the way his body looks, I mean obsessed with it, but he'd never ever been a cardio person, always a big weight lifter.  The more weight he could lift, the better.  I'd never seen him do cardio - ever.  Sweat from exercise?  Yes, tons.  Move more than a few inches?  No, never.

So I was doing my search, and wow, there was his name, and his city, on several websites, showing marathons he had run and his finishing times.  WHAT??  So I went back in my email to see around the time it was that we had briefly been communicating, and these races were all AFTER that.  If we were talking about running, why would he not have said he had started running?  He loves to brag and talk about himself and his body, if I said Mark had a runner's body and I loved it, I have no idea why he wouldn't have said "I run marathons" because that is just who he is.  But he was strangely asking questions about it, like...is that what you like?  SURELY he didn't decide to start running because of THAT?  That would be too crazy, and like...really creep me out, I mean, seriously, but even if he did, surely he didn't keep ON running because of that, maybe he decided he enjoyed it.  He even did the freaking Boston.  What a loser overachiever, having to show he's better than whoever he's racing against, I have no idea!  But he never will be.  I just wish he didn't exist!!!!

2 comments:

Tam of Two said...

Fair call, I also wish the b*stard didn't exist, just reading what he did to you! Hopefully his new found training is a an outlet for whatever problems he obviously has and he no longer hurts anybody!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Tam of Two for being understanding. I wish it could be like "I Dream of Jeanie" where someone could blink and nod their heads or whatever she did and make someone disappear - no pain, no anything, just gone! And good point, I had considered that! Perhaps all of the exercise gets out the aggression. That is a bit of comfort - not much, because how will I ever know, but I can hope.

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