Word of advice to anyone who is planning a hysterectomy: Consider the timing of Mother's Day and the date of your surgery (if you can)!! Mother's Day occurring three weeks after my hysterectomy was not cool, at all. I was totally fine with it, and actually it wasn't that big of a deal, but happening upon my facebook page with everyone writing Happy Mother's Day was a bit much for me to handle that day! Not having spoken to my mother in years and years always makes Mother's Day a downer already, but it just added to it. BUT, Mark was so very sweet. He surprised me with cards from him and the dog for Mother's Day, and took me to lunch for Mother's Day - for being a good mother to Bailey. : ) Well, I am a good mother to him, that IS true!!
I was okay with it, I really was, or thought I was, about not having children. A song came on the radio - it's one from Twilight and I just think that whole story is so romantic - falling in love FOREVER and getting married, knowing you'll be together FOREVER.. I was trying to explain this to my husband who wasn't getting it at all (they're vampires - they'll never die - they'll always be together, vampires are romantic, DUH?) and he just said what seemed to me the strangest, most odd, and at the time it seemed like the cruelest thing he could have said. Something like women just felt that way because they were made that way to procreate and have children. WHAT-THE-HELL? I just looked at him, and I could feel the tears starting to form. I started talking, and I heard the quivering start n my voice. "HOW could you think *I* would be thinking that right now? That *I* would be feeling that? That I would think something was romantic because of *that*? I just had a hysterectomy! How does having children in any way apply to me thinking something is romantic??"
Yes, I started crying, how could he? I mean, I wish I could somehow convey the coldness in which he said it, the matter of factness steel-y way he phrased it, no wiggle room, this is how it is. Of course a lot had to do with WHAT he said, but it was also HOW he said it. Almost like he was disgusted by it, but I have been incredibly, INCREDIBLY emotional.
I have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Happy, crying, and angry. It could be hormonal, although I still have my ovaries. We (okay *I*, it always *my* idea what we send his mother for Mother's Day, and *I* order it, or nothing would get done) sent his mother a specialty cake for Mother's Day, and she sent us an email that said something like thanks, we'll share it with his sister and brother in law, they are coming over for that day and his brother in law was cooking. I was like WTF???
I was SO ANGRY! I mean, I was really mad, like...I could not let it go. It was our "date night", a night that we spend together ON PURPOSE, and all I could do for the good first part of the night is talk about how she had burned a bridge with me. I had it in my head that she was saying thanks for the cake, but here is what your SISTER is doing for Mother's Day, she is actually visiting me, not just sending a cake, that is what a good child does on Mother's Day, AND they are cooking for us, not just sending something to eat. If you've guessed I do not like his sister, you would be correct. If you've guessed they've been compared, you would be correct. But NOT by his parents, his own sister compares them to each other, and not flatteringly to herself! It drives me insane, but I guess that part is obvious.
So I was furious, beyond furious. I got up the next morning, re-read the email, and thought - what was the big deal? Why was I so mad about THIS? It's just a thank you and says what she is doing for Mother's Day - so what? I asked Mark what he thought, and he said the same thing, but I already knew that, because he was looking at me so strangely the night before when I was on my tirade. He was agreeing, but in a way that he was afraid not to agree, ha! And at the same time kept trying over and over to change the subject, but when I'm like that, dude, just let me get it out because....I'm sitting there steaming and obsessing, trust me. Had his mother walked up right then I probably would have said "Oh, hello! How are you?" because I'm just like that, I'm not rude or confrontational normally, but I will obsess until I get it all out!
And...lonely. I've been very lonely, very lonely, yet getting used to it. And any little thing Mark does, well, he needs to remember he's about the only person I see or talk to all day so if he is in a bad mood, then the only person I've seen that whole day has been in a bad mood and that is not good! He is going through a super bad patch of a time at work, very stressful, very soul searching, just a very high stress project he is on where people have foregone how they treat each other because results are so much more important than people could ever be to the company. UNTIL....the project is over, the economy rebounds (WHEN it does), and watch what happens to the people. Someone he hired has already quit. The reason? She decided her husband made enough money for the family and she simply didn't like going to work any more. Ha! I have to admit, I love honesty. But he would do the same, it's absolutely horrifying the stories he tells me.
Which reminds me of ANOTHER break down I had! So he keeps talking about work because it's so stressful, and it keeps putting me back in the place I was before I went into the hospital - when the other person got the promotion I thought I deserved and it devastated me. Very high stakes, cut throat corporate big consulting company I worked at and the thing is - I gave it 200%, all I had, everyone said I did a great job, great reviews, I was the best at what I did, better than everyone, I was getting 20% raises yearly, saying I was better than all my peers, everyone that reported to me was doing better than all of their peers according to outside consulting companies and - statistically you could also see that was true, I had developed many members of my team who were then MY peers as well, so the next step logically was when there was an opening, and there would only be one opening, I would get it, right? No. Someone that *I* had developed, helped get promoted and was my peer, then coached him because he could not get along with the person we reported to (obviously too well?) got it. At the same time I was being told that person was being promoted and I wasn't, I was also told I had been nominated employee of the month but I would not be given the employee of the month title or benefits/awards because I had been about 5-10 minutes late a couple of times each month. OH MY GOD, I could not believe what was happening. It's like everything was so great and perfect, and then on that day, BAM. As if they wanted to promote him, and so they had to bring me down and show me and everyone (above me for justification) that I was not so great, and they did it so hatefully, so ruthlessly, I still don't get it. It broke me, you don't just give your all, feel like you did all you could possibly have done and you did it so well, you were really talented with people and brought out the best in them and did what was best for the company, and have them treat you that way without it effecting you. Or maybe you can - Mark seems to be able to handle it better than I can. I gave up. It broke me. As the days went on, the weeks, the months, I got worse and worse and worse, suicide was screaming louder and louder in my head and I wound up in the hospital.
BUT, the thing is, was that chemical? I was crying about it JUST last weekend, and that was 12 years ago! Not about where I could be now, blah blah, just about, giving your all and failing, how that hurts and how I'm scared to do that again. How I could never work at a place like that again, and when Mark talks about work, sometimes he brings it all back and I BEG him to quit because of course I don't want that to happen to him. It happened to me, why couldn't it happen to someone else? I guess I'm not that strong, I'm too weak, I'm too trusting, the person I reported to, I thought she was my friend and while no, I didn't expect her to give me a promotion because I didn't EARN it, as a friend, she shouldn't have been so ruthless about it, so mean, so calloused. I fell apart when she was talking to me - she handed me a makeup compact and told me to cover up my blotched face where I had been crying, get my purse and go home. I can't write about it anymore, I swear I'm going to start crying again. It was so incredibly insensitive, the whole thing, one of the most insensitive things I've ever known. No, no one called me fat or ugly. It was worse.
But...speaking about fat. I read about the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch - what the hell? He doesn't sell clothes to "fat people" and that's a girl/woman who wears anything over a size 10? And that only people of a certain size are "cool"? That made me mad, and when I saw a picture of him, I thought for real?? Yes, he looks like he keeps in shape, but seriously, lay off the plastic surgery or whatever has happened. BUT, I just HAD to go to the website to see these "cool clothes" that he said people really want and I had read other people sticking up for the brand, and then....I saw the cutest clothes and some were on sale half price! I was SO conflicted. I found jeans that looked just like what I had been searching for for some time, and plain colored tshirts with just the right cut, all on sale and in the right colors and cuts! Luckily I spent the money Mark gave me for my personal budget this month because I would be disgusted with myself had I bought clothes from that company, yet...they are so adorable, I still want them. But do I want them because he made it sound exclusive (he actually used that word, his clothes are exclusive - what a jerk, right?), or do I like the clothes because I just like them? They are what I would normally buy, just plain stuff, very normal, no frills, exactly what I like and a very good price, but where do you draw the line? I don't like him or what he said or believes, but can I not wear an A&F pair of jeans? Can a gay guy not eat a Chik Filet sandwich? Very conflicted, but it doesn't matter, I can't buy anything right now anyway. : )
I've written too much - I need people to talk to! Help me! I'm stuck in a house in the Chicago suburbs and I can't get out!!!! Too bad I'm not making fortune cookies...