But also, Catherine inspired me when I found out she was bipolar because obviously she was put on mood stabilizers, or I assume she was, and her weight didn't go off the charts! She didn't gain 30 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds - a massive amount of weight trying this or that which made her appetite insatiable. I realized then that it WAS possible for me to have this condition and be a normal weight, that I *can* be aggressive with my doctor and demand what I want from my treatment, and that would be medication that does not increase my appetite or have a side effect of gaining weight. I had just kind of been sad about it, resigned myself to this new reality of what I was and it was a sacrifice for mental stability. So, yes, with a huge PUSH from my husband, and I mean huge, I put myself back in the driver's seat of what I would and would not take, and it has only been for the best.
I'm no longer a zombie all the time, I don't eat the entire house when I take medicine at night, fall asleep with food in my mouth, go to bed in t-shirts stained with food from what I had just been eating but was so out of it I was probably missing my mouth. Can you understand why my husband would not not find this attractive if he was observing this? I would find it disgusting. And he was observing it, because he would tell me once in awhile when I did some of those things when I didn't remember, although most of the time I did.
I no longer drive in the morning with cars honking at me because I'm weaving in and out of their lanes since it's all I can do to keep my eyes open I'm in such a fog, or sometimes waking up and just barely able to call in to work to say I'd be late, rolling back over and sleeping off the medication and going in later. That is not being a functional person with bipolar disorder. I would say I was getting by, I'm pretty much disgusted with myself when I think about how I acted back then and it was only a few short years ago. Why did I put up with that? Why did I find that acceptable? Yes, I know how horrible things can get, but to live like that? I was just in denial.
It's not just the weight, it was everything that went with it - all of the other side effects that I mentioned as well. Those were all brought up in counseling. I even wrecked my car on that medication, just on a freaking curb, and you know what I did when the air bag went off and the SOS system came on to see if I was okay? I said I was, and kept eating my McDonald's french fries while they asked if I needed a tow truck. I was SO hungry I had left the house for food in that condition and didn't even care when I wrecked my car, and my hunger was STILL more important than getting into a wreck (over $8k of damage). Tell me - is that NORMAL? Is that something that someone who is mentally ill has to resign themselves to just to live? To be "better"? Is that even better? Okay, so I don't die of suicide, I die of driving to McDonald's to get french fries instead. Would that make everyone feel better? Is that the point?
This laying around doing nothing is soooo old. I'm not really laying around, I'm sitting around all day. I should be taking naps but I'm not tired enough to sleep. My tummy still hurts from surgery and I still take medication for the pain once in awhile, but not often. It hurts mostly at the end of the day. Last weekend when Mark and I walked around stores, THAT is when the fatigue that women talk about hit me. It didn't take long at all and wow, I was exhausted. I am so surprised when I hear the few women that are going back to work two weeks after a hysterectomy. No, they don't say they are ready, they say they are NOT ready, but that's all the time they have to take off or one of them said their doctor released them to go back to work. If I just sit here and do nothing, I'm okay, but if I do anything at all, I'm in trouble. Pain, exhaustion, not worth it. I took a whole quarter off from school to have this surgery and to heal so...I'm going to make the most of it. I only get one chance to heal from this so...I'm going to make sure I do it right.
I live in the craziest neighborhood, but I think most neighborhoods are like this, they just don't have a platform they've created to vent on like my neighborhood has created. People say things when they're behind their computer that they wouldn't normally say when they are in person. JUST THIS WEEK, here are some of the complaints that have been posted: