Time is Going By soooo slooooow!

I read that Catherine Zeta Jones is back in the hospital for her bipolar disorder, for "maintenance", or whatever reason it may be.  She was just diagnosed a few years ago, I believe, and I know for myself it took years upon years to find any sort of drug cocktail that even semi-worked, so I wish her lots of luck.  But when it came out publically that she was bipolar, it was a real inspiration to me.  First of all, I wondered, wow, what had the Douglas household been through before Zeta Jones was diagnosed and was finally hospitalized?  Even big celebrities, like Michael Douglas, can put up with their spouses having a mental illness and still love them just as much, or at least it seems.  For me, and us, that was a horrible time, lots of pain.  I was diagnosed on the irritable side, but  hospitalized on the depressive side.  I don't recall either time fondly, not at all.  Both are pretty dark moments of my life.

But also, Catherine inspired me when I found out she was bipolar because obviously she was put on mood stabilizers, or I assume she was, and her weight didn't go off the charts!  She didn't gain 30 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds - a massive amount of weight trying this or that which made her appetite insatiable.  I realized then that it WAS possible for me to have this condition and be a normal weight, that I *can* be aggressive with my doctor and demand what I want from my treatment, and that would be medication that does not increase my appetite or have a side effect of gaining weight.  I had just kind of been sad about it, resigned myself to this new reality of what I was and it was a sacrifice for mental stability.  So, yes, with a huge PUSH from my husband, and I mean huge, I put myself back in the driver's seat of what I would and would not take, and it has only been for the best.

I'm no longer a zombie all the time, I don't eat the entire house when I take medicine at night, fall asleep with food in my mouth, go to bed in t-shirts stained with food from what I had just been eating but was so out of it I was probably missing my mouth.  Can you understand why my husband would not not find this attractive if he was observing this?  I would find it disgusting.  And he was observing it, because he would tell me once in awhile when I did some of those things when I didn't remember, although most of the time I did.

I no longer drive in the morning with cars honking at me because I'm weaving in and out of their lanes since it's all I can do to keep my eyes open I'm in such a fog, or sometimes waking up and just barely able to call in to work to say I'd be late, rolling back over and sleeping off the medication and going in later.  That is not being a functional person with bipolar disorder.  I would say I was getting by, I'm pretty much disgusted with myself when I think about how I acted back then and it was only a few short years ago.  Why did I put up with that?  Why did I find that acceptable?  Yes, I know how horrible things can get, but to live like that?  I was just in denial.

It's not just the weight, it was everything that went with it - all of the other side effects that I mentioned as well.  Those were all brought up in counseling.  I even wrecked my car on that medication, just on a freaking curb, and you know what I did when the air bag went off and the SOS system came on to see if I was okay?  I said I was, and kept eating my McDonald's french fries while they asked if I needed a tow truck.  I was SO hungry I had left the house for food in that condition and didn't even care when I wrecked my car, and my hunger was STILL more important than getting into a wreck (over $8k of damage).  Tell me - is that NORMAL?  Is that something that someone who is mentally ill has to resign themselves to just to live?  To be "better"?  Is that even better?  Okay, so I don't die of suicide, I die of driving to McDonald's to get french fries instead.  Would that make everyone feel better?  Is that the point?

This laying around doing nothing is soooo old.  I'm not really laying around, I'm sitting around all day.  I should be taking naps but I'm not tired enough to sleep.  My tummy still hurts from surgery and I still take medication for the pain once in awhile, but not often.  It hurts mostly at the end of the day.  Last weekend when Mark and I walked around stores, THAT is when the fatigue that women talk about hit me.  It didn't take long at all and wow, I was exhausted.  I am so surprised when I hear the few women that are going back to work two weeks after a hysterectomy.  No, they don't say they are ready, they say they are NOT ready, but that's all the time they have to take off or one of them said their doctor released them to go back to work.  If I just sit here and do nothing, I'm okay, but if I do anything at all, I'm in trouble.  Pain, exhaustion, not worth it.  I took a whole quarter off from school to have this surgery and to heal so...I'm going to make the most of it.  I only get one chance to heal from this so...I'm going to make sure I do it right.

I live in the craziest neighborhood, but I think most neighborhoods are like this, they just don't have a platform they've created to vent on like my neighborhood has created.  People say things when they're behind their computer that they wouldn't normally say when they are in person.  JUST THIS WEEK, here are some of the complaints that have been posted:

  • Am I the only one that is sick of looking at big green garbage cans all over the subdivision. AND I just passed a house (Saturday AM) that has all their garbage at the curb for Wednesday pick up! It does state in the covenants that garbage cans must be in the garage or shielded from view. I think that village states no cans at the curb until 6PM the day before pick up. It looks terrible!

    • Who do we contact about our landscaper mowing at 6:40 in the morning? I thought the noise ordinance was no earlier than 7:00?

      ((Sidenote - there is a noise ordinance???)

      (In regards to someone concerned about a pitbull that was getting loose in the neighborhood and biting):

      • I have not seen that dog, but there is a blonde lab that is always off leash in the area of and that is constantly using the open area and my lawn as a bathroom! I think maybe it is time for the HOA to remind ALL dog owners to keep their dogs on their own property or face the Association mandating that they put up a fence.

        FACE THE ASSOCIATION!  What are they going to do?  Line up a firing squad?   I'm absolutely sympathetic to someone whose neighbor's dog is using their yard as a toilet and find that incredibly rude of their neighbor, but "face the association"?  Ha!  That actually is one of my pet peeves though - people who don't keep their dogs secured.  Not so much about my yard, but for the animal's safety.  It could get hit by a car or run off and get lost.  And, in the reply to the original message that is not on here, someone's pitbull mix is apparently biting other dogs and people.  Just secure your dogs, people! : )  That includes MY neighbor, who allows her dog out free to wonder into OUR backyard with my dog secured to play and sniff butts with my dog.  That is really awkward for me.   I go to call him in but he wants to stay out, then their dog looks at me as if I want him to come in, too, and then I start thinking...is that the bulldog mix that the neighbors are talking about, because it is loose and it is a bulldog mix...

        Just for the record, the week isn't over yet, it's Wednesday morning.  Neighborhood people?  CHILL OUT!  I do want to say I'm a bit nervous, though.  Since my surgery, I don't get up and shower and get dressed right away.  I lounge in my Victoria Secret night shirts.  They do cover me well, not see through, long sleeved, but they are a bit short.  Not at all lingerie like or the VS t-shirt type nightshirts, more formal, but still.  I let my dog out and the poor little guy loves being out in the sun but we don't have a fence and he is attached to this long lead so he can go everywhere in the backyard he wants, except he gets wrapped around trees and barks for me to rescue him.  I don't have time to get dressed so I put on my Ugg slippers and walk out there to get him.  

        Is there a dress code to be outside in my neighborhood???  I'm just waiting for the post that says something about me being outside in my nightshirt for all to see.  I only have two neighbors - and those women are....hmmm.  They don't take care of themselves, I'll just say it that way, so I could see them getting upset if they found my attire not to be appropriate, and it's probably not.  I shouldn't be outside if I'm not dressed.  But cut me a little slack!


Kristy said...

I can relate to the zombie weight inducing meds. I just can't hardly take anything. It isn't acceptable to me to get morbidly obese on psych meds. I still have weight to loose but I'm way healthier without most of them.

Had to laugh at your housing association.

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - yes, it's so sad that psychiatrists can make make us feel that we have no other choice but take weight gaining medication! There is hardly anything I can take either that doesn't make me gain - maybe only what I'm taking now, I don't know. I have some pounds to lose as well, but at least it's headed in the right direction! : )

My HOA is crazy - I thought about posting some things from the HOA forum because that is where it gets down and dirty - name calling and what-not, but that would be too revealing. Ha, so sad but so true! : )

Mary Makowski said...

I have had issues with weight gain on psych drugs too. I have bipolar disorder and anorexia. So taking a drug that could potentially make me fat was ..... well, not something I was going to do. It has been quite the struggle. You can read about it in my blog, if you would like. :) It's nice to know that I'm not alone!

KansasSunflower said...

Mary - oh no! Bipolar meds and anorexia, what a nightmare combonation! I really, really feel for you! I will definitely come and read your blog! : )

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