Appointment Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new psychiatrist since I left my old one in Texas of 12 years.  I keep going over and over in my head what I am going to say, but really, I have no idea what I will be asked.  I am just going to answer any and all questions as honestly as I possibly can, but I don't really trust doctors.  I found a good family doctor here, as well as a good GYN, and I did some research to find a good psychiatrist, but you never know.  I wish I could have whatever she is going to ask me beforehand so I would have time to think about the answers.  Not being "interviewed" or "diagnosed" by a psychiatrist in 12 years, I don't remember the exact questions, and in that time, they may have changed quite a bit, but I know some require thought, even if they seem like obvious yes or no answers.  "Do you or have you ever heard voices?"  That requires some clarification on their part.  What do they consider "voices"?  Someone in my head telling me to do things or saying things to me, specifically to me, or hearing something that is not there, like a voice on the television or radio that I could swear is on until I visually see it is not?  Those voices don't tell me to do anything, I can't even understand the words.  So are those "voices"?  Maybe doctors should ask people "do you hear voices in your head (because I never think it is INSIDE my head, I always think it is external) speaking words directly to you?" Or...maybe that is why I take a couple of anti-psychotics, who knows?  I'm DEFINITELY not psychotic. 

Mark made a comment that I'm so much easier to live with now.  I wondered about that statement.  Compared to what?  Since when, and how did I used to be?  I know I used to have little freak outs, I would get extremely, extremely angry or insecure about dumb things.  He would go to dinner with clients and I would call him and scream in the phone that I knew he was having an affair, crying and yelling at him.  Okay sure, that would be difficult to live with.  I don't  do that anymore, I totally don't even care and encourage him to go out with his friends, not just for business.  But perhaps that comes with being in a long term relationship.  Or...finding the right medication, no clue. 

But lately, HE is not easy to live with.  He is completely miserable, and I keep telling him, remember when I was depressed, when I came home and cried every day, how hard that was on you?  He won't do anything about it.  I told him he could change his frame of mind or change his situation, he couldn't just DO NOTHING and stay miserable.  I said go to counseling, go to a psychiatrist, DO SOMETHING, because this has been going on for a long, long time and has gotten much worse, but to be fair, his situation at work is not pleasant.  Yes, I have ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD, but...I get help.  I go the doctor, I take medication every freaking day.  I don't just do nothing and stay miserable and while he has pretty much stopped complaining, he just LOOKS and ACTS miserable most of the time.  It's really hard to live with someone like that when there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them and they won't listen to you when you say they need help.  It's incredibly frustrating, and right now when he is basically the only person I see every day and he is miserable, well, that doesn't exactly help my own mental health.  But, I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about him.  Who in the world WANTS to wallow in misery?  Who doesn't WANT to feel better?  Who wouldn't WELCOME the help of a professional?  I totally don't get it.  Is it like an alcoholic, you have to hit bottom before you reach out for help?  He keeps saying he KNOWS what a counselor will say because he went to about five sessions last year by himself when we were going to marriage counseling, but at the time it really helped him!  How does he know what someone would say about his exact situation at this very moment?  I don't get it, but I've been drinking the whole psychiatric/psychology Kool-Aid for so long that it's hard for me to understand those who don't.

So...I did make a friend.  Mark and I went out with one of his friends and his girlfriend and we had a good time.  The girlfriend was surprisingly really nice and fun and liked to do fun things and acted more like me - I guess more like a younger person than an older person.  You can look and act and feel old in your 40's, or the same and be young in your 40's.  I don't understand who wants to feel old and act old and look old, but yet...those are the women I don't have anything in common with.  They don't do anything fun, what I would consider fun, anymore.  It seems to me like they have given up?  Resigned themselves to being old or middle aged?  But why?  I don't FEEL old, I don't ACT old, I don't DRESS old, I don't think I'm old at all.  I actually act younger than my husband who is 7 years younger than I am - he says that all the time, that I am younger than he is because he is an old soul and his friends are all older than *I* am, so maybe I am immature for my age, but that's fine with me.  Why would I want to be MATURE for my age?  Be my age yet act like I'm 60?  Uh...no. : )

Back to the friend.  So we got along really well and we became friends on facebook that day.  I thought she was going to be at a party last weekend, but her boyfriend didn't bring her, so I sent her a message saying I had missed her being there, but we should go do something and not wait on the boys.  She agreed and gave me her number.  WHY do I feel like I am dating all of a sudden?  Now I have to call her and ask her to go do something?  I mean, that was a big deal for me just to do THAT.  I can't imagine calling her, but I suppose I don't have to, I can send her another message, no law against that.  And these FRIENDS of Marks'!  They all have wives and girlfriends who are so freaking successful!  Even she is an executive at her company, and at the party, one of the wives asked me if we had moved to Illinois because of my job or Mark's because, of course, she is an executive.  And then there is me.  Going to school but not in school this quarter because I had surgery, and don't even know when I am going to finish.  Wow, I feel like such a loser, but no one acts that way or treats me that way, they are all very nice and it doesn't change how they treat me at all, just conversation, but still, you know?  I can't help but feel inferior and think what the hell happened to my life?  Sure, they know the big consulting companies I worked for because they ask what I did before I went to school so maybe that's a plus in my favor, but I don't know.  Maybe I should just get a job and forget school!



   

 

4 comments:

susie said...

I had a neighbor who was married, didn't have kids, and lost her job. Her husband didn't care if she found another job. She played Frank Sinatra and gardened. It's nice to have someone at home, I think. My kid is 14, but I'm still at home. Good luck with Doc.

lynn said...

Hi, I've been lurking for awhile. I agree with you, I'm in my 40s too and I feel so much younger! It really is mostly in your attitude. I see some other women (not all) who are the same age as I am and I wonder what happened? They gave up.

KansasSunflower said...

Hi Lynn! I'm glad you came out of the shadows! : ) Yes, totally agree - I don't know what happens in their minds, why a lot of women in their 40's just give up on their appearance and not just that, so much more! Excitement? I could swear some look and act in their 50's! It's hard for me to even relate to them in conversations - I think wow...that's your life? Mine is pretty boring but what excites them is...I just can't relate!

KansasSunflower said...

Susie, thanks! I love Frank Sinatra! I SO thought when I moved here that I would hear jazz music ALL the time, everywhere and was very, very excited! I am sad to say that has not been the case! I had been misled by Mark taking the El from the airport to his hotel and there would be musicians playing saxophones or whatever when he called, so I assumed it was like that *everywhere*, and *everyone* must love jazz. Like Texas and country music? Although that, as well, is very misleading.

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