Better, But It's a Long Road I Think

I think I'm slowly feeling better.  One day at a time. Actually, one minute at a time, one second at a time, one hour at a time - you get the picture.  I can be pretty happy one minute, the tiniest thing will happen and completely deflate my mood and those old, sad thoughts and feelings will start creeping in.  I have absolutely no idea if I'm anywhere close to being back to my normal self, or what my normal self even is.  When I ran out of Lamictal, I didn't know I was acting strangely for days although everyone around me saw it - even strangers who had never met me - so now I feel like I can't even trust my own judgment about I act!  Or what is normal! 

What still really bothers me is when I think about not going to school, missing ANOTHER quarter/semester, whatever.  It's just not right!  That's not what people I know do.  When Mark is sick, with a fever, he does not stay home, he goes to work, no matter how horrible he feels.  When he has the flu, he goes to work.  The ONLY time he will call in sick, which I can count the days on one hand in six years and have fingers left is when something is coming out of him - up there or down there, if you know what I mean.  He's told me stories about two people he works with that has had CANCER and still worked.  One was going through chemotherapy, still came to work and stayed in his office with his trash can next to him and threw up in it when he needed the whole time, then would just go back to work.  The other that had cancer had surgery, stayed out for maybe a week or however long he was in the HOSPITAL, then worked full time from home until his doctor released him.  That's just what people I know do.  Those are my examples.  I have always felt guilty about the time I checked myself into the psych ward when I was suicidal and my psychiatrist wouldn't let me go back work.  Every time I went to see him during those 6 weeks I was out, the first question I would ask him was "Do you think I'm ready to go back to work?"  I wanted him to say yes, but in a way, I was scared he would say yes, too.

I'm having a really hard time with this.  I mentioned to Mark that I might volunteer at a Suicide Prevention program.  He did not think that was a good idea.  He was afraid I might talk to someone who was suicidal, tell me how they felt, and I'd realize, "you know?  They're right...".  I mean seriously?  Being suicidal has affected me greatly, and suicide has been so key in my family.  NO, I am not ready to do that right now, and yes, I understand his concern.  But I *have* to do something with my life that is meaningful during this time!  I can't just "sit here" and "work on getting better".  How does that work exactly?  Sitting here and watching television, which I don't even turn the television on all day, but that's beside the point, is supposed to make me BETTER?

I suppose that is a question for my therapist, we haven't gotten that far yet.  We only got to the "you can not go to school on July 9th", me freaking out, and her trying to get me to understand why.  So I have made no plans.

BUT!  We have bought tickets to see the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox Twenty on July 4th at the Ravinia!  I'm pretty excited about that.  NO DRINKING this time!  No one has told me this, but the last thing I need right now is any form of depressant, none whatsoever.  I am abstaining from alcohol.  Surely I wrote about what happened last time I went to the Ravinia...I think just last week?  Got so drunk I couldn't walk straight?  Threw up there, in the parking lot, at home, the next day, slept the following day, etc. etc.?  I don't feel like going back in my blog and looking, but it was NOT good, although I had a really fun time.  Um, up to the throwing up part.

And Mark is seeing a counselor now as well.  That makes me feel SO insecure.  I am just SURE she is telling him your wife is a mess, dump her, she is this, she is that, but he said no, it's all about him working on making himself happy, which I know he has not been happy for a long time.  He doesn't allow himself to be.  I've always known that.  Oh, and they talked about sex.  I *did* prod him about that.  She told him some people are just not very sexual, and that's true.  I told him I've done everything he's said that he feels like he's missing, and the frequency that he wants, I thought I'd done everything he had asked or complained about, I didn't know why he was still unhappy.  But I guess it was because he felt I didn't WANT to do those things, it was a chore.  Sigh.  Sometimes you can't win.  At least it's not the last counselor, where they would gang up on me and tell me to be more sexual, learn to enjoy it more, I had a problem, what was wrong with me, read this book and that book and blah blah.  Oh my God that made me feel so inferior, that whole experience.

So...getting better but very, very sensitive, VERY.  The least little thing will unexpectedly put me in tears.


susie said...

I've been to Ravinia many times. It's wonderful. Bring sparkling grape juice, it's yummy.

I vote yes for the volunteer thing!

Kristy said...

I think when you are ready to do something volunteering at a suicide prevention would be good. Who better to speak someone down the ledge. You have been there.

I applaud your efforts also about just trying to be sexual. My spouse doesn't even try and it has been months.

lynn said...

People who are sick with the flu should NOT go to work! I'm so tired of people infecting others at work. Maybe those people with cancer had to go...did not have enough sick leave or something.
Hope you feel better soon.

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - yes! Ravinia is so nice, isn't it? Only been there once, and the sparkling grape juice is an awesome idea! Thanks for the vote for suicide prevention. : )

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - yes, thanks, I thought so too, and times that like you feel so alone, right? Who else could possibly know that unless you have been there? But, I wouldn't have to necessarily talk to suicidal people, there are other things to do if it is "such a concern", my goodness!

I'm sorry about your spouse! I think it's important to at least TRY, and I know it's difficult, especially for men when they take certain medications. I'm sure it's harder for men than women, I really have no idea!

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn - TOTALLY agree! If you are sick, please do not spread your germs to me and stay home! Don't you think I've said that to him?? Weird thing, though. He gets the flu shot every year, yet he gets the flu more often than I do.

And the people with cancer who still went to work? No, they had plenty of time to take off. These people get 12 weeks of vacation a year, can you imagine? 3 months out of 12? Mark's is insane as well, no reason not to stay home, over 8 weeks of vacation every year. They are highly competitive, ladder climbing people. But these are my examples, this is what I hear about day in, day out. It makes it so difficult for me to just sit home!!!

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