First Therapist Appointment!

I had a total melt down and freak out before my counseling appointment yesterday over nothing.  I actually had to take a klonipin just to get myself THERE without totally breaking down!  I was almost in hysterics, crying and crying.  What in the world is wrong with me?  What was I so scared of?  Of course I know the answer to that, but no one can force me to do or say anything I don't want to.

The therapist was very nice, and she held my psychiatrist in such high regard - so much so that she was even surprised I was able to just call and get an appointment to see her.  Yes, my psychiatrist was really awesome, I never could have expected it to go so well, not in a million years, it exceeded any expectations I ever could have had - I mean really? even a therapy dog? But since she WAS so good, and she had told me I would get along with this therapist really well I had high hopes for the therapist.

She did something no therapist has ever done before.  She actually took the time to tell me about HER life, even her personal life.  In the past, I have spent time during sessions trying to figure out a therapist's personal life - are they married?  Do they have kids?  Are they divorced?  Checking for rings on fingers, looking around the office for family pictures, things like that.  I have no idea why they choose not to share anything.  She told me all about her education, her family, her kids, that they were not all perfect, how long she had been married, she still struggled sometimes as well, I mean it's nice to know that someone doesn't always have everything all together, you know?  So now it's like, I won't have to spend any extra energy in sessions with those questions in my mind.  "Is she even married or has she been divorced three or four times?"  But...maybe that's exactly WHY therapists do NOT disclose that information.  Perhaps they have something to hide?  They HAVE been married and divorced three or four times?  Nothing wrong with that, but sure, people would judge them and their advice on that.  And just because you know what to do doesn't mean you are able to apply it, and it doesn't mean you are not a good therapist.

So we got all that out of the way.  Then we just talked, not about deep stuff.  Like, how long I'd been married, how long I've lived here, why I moved, she never even asked about my childhood, parents, abuse, none of that icky stuff.  I did tell her I found it hard to get close to people.  And towards the end I told her I had been scared to come because I was afraid to disclose too much to her and how I would feel about it later.  She said we would go at my pace, however slow that may be.  We did talk about my not having friends, but we didn't delve into it.  She did find it normal for me to find it difficult to make friends in my situation.  She said it would be hard for someone my age without kids, because that's how a lot of women make friends - while their kids are at soccer practice, etc., meeting other women.  And of course I'm not meeting women in the workplace.  And at school, I explained the socioeconomic differences, and she totally understood that, and brought up that probably most people were younger than I am, and she's right, the majority are, and those that aren't don't have any money to do anything, like go to the movies or a concert or whatever. 

She asked about my neighborhood - making friends there, ha!  I've read their catty messages in our neighborhood forums, but didn't tell her about them although I think she noticed my hesitance.  Then she said people have actually moved because of their neighborhood.  We haven't given our neighborhood a chance, and there are social committees that I could join that I haven't even tried, but I didn't mention that to her.     

That reminds me - the therapist didn't even ASK me why I went to a psychiatrist, she didn't ask me what my diagnosis was, which is interesting, because I've actually had more than one therapist refuse to treat me because of my mental illness and it broke my heart every time, like something was really wrong with me.  She did ask me what medications I was taking because obviously I was referred to her by a psychiatrist and she went out of her way to let me know that she even knew what effects most psychiatric drugs have and spent a bit of time on that. Do you know how refreshing that is?  To be treated like a person and not a disease, especially by a therapist?  God bless her. : )   

So...I go again next week.  What we'll talk about, I don't have a clue.  She didn't give me homework except suggested to start jotting down thoughts - even three or four words - if I had any, about how I was feeling, good or bad, on my cellphone in notepad.  I did tell her I wrote, but of COURSE not a blog! every few days, but she seemed to really want me to do the notepad thing on my phone so...okay! Yes ma'am!  Oh, maybe because I can bring my phone into counseling?  No idea!

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