How Long Was I Messed Up?

Wow, I keep seeing how far back I was "out of it".  The Pella contract guy came to measure our doors to make sure that what we had ordered on Saturday was going to be the correct measurements.  There was one detail that had been bothering me about what I *thought* I remembered the representative saying and it was something I did not want. 

We went outside to look at the outside of the back door, and I asked him what color that was going to be.  He said white.  I told him "No, no, no, no, NO!".  Oh my God that would be hideous.  I told him what color it needed to be and he agreed - it was the same color as the trim and all of our window frames AND, would match the back of the house!  The door would have been the only white thing on the house!  I mean, can you say "duh"?

I would never, ever have agreed to that in my right mind.  I am so surprised that the Lamictal withdrawals started THAT FAR BACK, although Mark told me he thought it had.  He said I was acting very, very weird while the representative was here, like I didn't care what we got, if we even got new doors at all.  But I didn't recognize my lack of caring at all. 

Then we went to the front door, and I was quizzing him about EVERYTHING, every tiny detail.  The handle of the inside door?  SO very wrong, it would not have matched the handles of all of the rest of the door handles in the house - brushed nickel!  But you know, now that I'm thinking about it, I do remember questioning the representative about that - telling her that is what I wanted, but regardless, that is not what was listed, and I can't say for certain what I did or said.  I simply WAS NOT PRESENT, but I realize that now.

So maybe I was off Lamictal longer than I thought.  Maybe it was more like 4 or 5 days, I actually do not know for sure.  I still think it was 3 days, but...maybe it was 4.  All I know is, do NOT stop Lamictal cold turkey!

And for anyone reading this who is going through Lamictal withdrawals or wondering if there is Lamictal withdrawals, yes, there are!  And I was only taking 25mg - which my previous psychiatrist had questioned if that was enough to be therapeutic but...I kept forgetting to take the other half that he wanted me to take.  So if I took as much as I read most people take - 200mg?  OMG, I can't EVEN imagine what that would be like.  To go cold turkey off 200  mg for as long as I have been taking it, I think I would want to be hospitalized - seriously.  That stuff is NO JOKE. 

I have a therapy appointment today but I am still pretty emotional, not in a great place.  Happy today, but...just not prepared to talk about anything deep.  I do NOT trust my emotions right now.  Mark said last night "Your medicine should be working by now, right?  How long have you been taking it?"  Are you kidding me?  I said "Maybe a little longer than 24 hours?  Really?  You think psychiatric medications work in 24 HOURS??"  And he replied oh yeah, that's not long enough, but they DO have half lifes so it's not like it's going to take the normal amount of time.  Okay, WHATEVER.  Sounds like wishful thinking that his wife will not be a basket case for long, but denial won't help either. 

Sure, I totally get that he wants me to get better, be back to my normal self, whatever normal is for me, but he's GOT to be patient.  Yes, I messed up, but I learned a lesson.  Don't f-up on your psychiatric medication.  Totally not worth it, and I had absolutely no reason not to get it filled!  Just stupid procrastination!

4 comments:

Tam of Two said...

are you sure your symptoms were related to stopping lamictal, and it wasn't just something that was happening anyway? Just I took 200mg of lamictal for almost 2 years and I stopped cold turkey and had absolutely no withdrawal effects! (not saying that its a good idea to stop anything cold turkey) just 25mg seems unlikely to have actually done much! although I guess everybody's bodies react differently. But I hope you are feeling much better soon :) x

KansasSunflower said...

Tam - yes, it's totally weird, and yes, 25 mg is hardly therapeutic! I totally agree. I didn't think anything at all of it - I could have sworn I read when I started taking it about 10 years ago that there were no withdrawal symptoms, and even thought I had gone maybe a day or so and was fine in the past.

I saw my therapist today and explained everything, how I didn't understand how just missing 25mg would make me feel so disconnected. I would say it was in my head, but my husband was the one who noticed it first and I didn't even realize there was anything wrong with me!

She said everyone's body has a different reaction and different sensitivities, and even gave an example of something of her own. I will admit, my body is EXTREMELY sensitive to certain psychiatric drugs. I cannot take ANY amount of Lithium without getting the full-on symptoms of Lithium poisoning. But just like this time, I didn't realize then right away that Lithium was my problem. With Saphris, that was easy. Suddenly vomiting every 30 minutes doesn't need a physicist to help you decipher the code.

I wish I could just throw them all down the toilet right this minute and never take another psychiatric pill for the rest of my life! But...I'm pretty sure I know where that would lead. It's the only reason I keep taking them...to stay alive.

Tam of Two said...

Oh gosh, you haven't had much luck with side effects! Actually now I think, I am extremely sensitive to most of the antipsychotics, like I either vomit or become ridiculously sedated. I hated Lithium too!! I know what you mean about wishing you could chuck 'em all away... but once we find the drug combo that suits us best they can make a really big difference (in a good way!) Best wishes, hope you are feeling better! x

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Tam! Yes, so worth it once you find the right combo! And I am feeling better, thank you. : )

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