I Just Don't Know What To Title This

I saw my therapist yesterday and just started out by telling her I didn't think I was doing well.  I mean, I'm not that I'm depressed really, I just...I have no motivation, I'm so tired, emotionally, physically, I can't always think properly, I'm not interested in much, and I didn't tell her this, but all of this lack of motivation makes me very anxious, yet...I don't have enough motivation even with having anxiety about it to do anything.

I JUST started returning phone calls from people that had been calling me on Monday.  I wasn't even listening to voicemails.  I couldn't deal with it.  The Pella saleslady came over and we went through the details AGAIN with the doors, I changed several things and I didn't realize a lot of things and she acted like she had told me on that day.  She asked me, "So were you just having an off day that day?" meaning the day she came when we originally ordered the doors.  My therapist said when I came in last week, I was off - I wasn't able to come up with words I wanted to say and I realized that was true.  The day after therapy is when I had gone out with Mark's friends and I couldn't even remember the street my last school had been on that I walked a mile on every day - all I could remember was it started with an M!  His friend who works nearby starting naming streets in that area and he finally said the right one and I said - yes!  That's it!

BUT...my therapist said I was more aware yesterday, more in the present or I don't know how she put it exactly.  That Lamictal withdrawal was brutal, and I'm still not back to where I was.  She asked about school and I told her when it started and I had so much to do to enroll and I felt overwhelmed and she said you have to start on July 9th??  No, you can not do that, that is too soon.  You can not go to school right now.  I panicked.  HOW could I not go to school?  What was she saying? 

I started crying.  She didn't understand, was I to sit home AGAIN, what was I doing with my life?  Yes, I know I'm not doing well, physically, mentally, emotionally, in any form at all, but I can't just put my life on hold.  It doesn't work that way.  You push on - you do what you have to do, you become successful, however you need to do it, be better than you are today, or at least work on achieving it and I've already sat out a quarter for surgery.

She asked if she were an airline pilot and was very tired, should she go ahead and fly a plane or rest up until she was able?  I mean I guess that's a good analogy, I don't know.  Does her family need food on the table?  I need more information, but I said rest.  Then she said I was too hard on myself, I put too much pressure on myself and we needed to work on that as well as I needed to get well first.

I alternated from being okay with it to freaking out and crying about it.  She asked if anyone was putting pressure on me to go to school right now.  I told her no, actually Mark said he was okay if I wanted to stay home.  But I never know what he really means, when he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear or what would be a nice thing to say is versus what he really believes or wants.  I don't think he thinks it is okay for me to be going to school for the next ten years, and I don't want to either.  He even said he needs to see a counselor, I think over our sexual relationship, he has a problem with it, I don't know, I just feel like I'm such a bad person in so many ways.  He has a really, really stressful job right now, like, VERY.  Like, there is no way I could live his work life.

So...I came home with a heavy heart.  I had to tell Mark what she said and see how he reacted, if he would be upset, disappointed, hurt, whatever.  I talked to him on the phone on the way home, but I wanted to tell him in person, to see the reaction on his face.

He was sitting at the breakfast table when I got home, and I sat down.  He asked how therapy went and I took a deep breath, and told him what she said about school and why.  He agreed that I was much too hard on myself and that it was okay not to go to school next quarter.  I really don't remember the rest of the conversation.  I made some dinner for myself, ate part of it and then started getting out my medication for the night.

I was standing at the kitchen island with my medication and a glass of water and just lost it, crying,  crying loudly and couldn't stop.  I had to keep myself from just kneeling on the floor and laying my head down to sob.  Mark had gone into the garage to take the trash out and I had really tried to stop crying, at least audibly, by the time he came in, but I just couldn't.  I felt I let him down, myself down, everyone down.  He came in and started rubbing my shoulders and I don't know what he said but he was trying to make me feel better so I didn't want him to feel bad and stopped crying but I really didn't feel better.

What am I doing with my life?  Nothing I've ever done has been good enough - especially now.  I can't even get it together enough to go to school?  REALLY?  REALLY?  I remember coming home from school as a kid, and no matter what grades I got, they were NEVER good enough, never.  Maybe one time, ONCE, I was told good job about school.  Otherwise, never good enough.  Nothing I did ever was.  Nothing I do ever is. 

I can't run fast enough.  I'm not thin enough.  I can't keep the house clean enough, or my car clean enough, my hair isn't thick enough, my husband is never happy about our sexual relationship and I try, I really do, I'm just not that sexual of a person, I don't know why, but he complains so much and I don't know what to do.  I just feel so lazy, staying home all the time, I don't even turn on the television all day long, I just play games on my phone, in a daze, all day.  I take a shower before he comes home.  Go to the grocery store when needed and sometimes put that off.  I haven't even folded the clothes, and I did laundry three days ago.

I just can't get it right!  I'm just not good enough!  Why can't people see that?  I'm not being hard on myself at all - it's just that...I'm really not that good at all, I can't live up to anyone's expectations, I'm not capable and it's really, really hard.  It's hard when you want to do your best, you want to not only achieve your goals and everyone else's, but you can't even meet your own minimum daily expectations.

I don't know what to do.  I'm at a total loss here.  I don't know where my life is going, it's headed nowhere and...it's like I don't even care, I can't even find the motivation.  I don't feel sorry for myself I just feel...helpless.   And I guess I feel very sad about that.    

4 comments:

Christa Harkins said...

It sounds like despite the problems, your husband really does love you. He sticks around through these dark days, and if he is saying things just because you want to hear them (he could still be telling the truth though, which is even better), then that could be interpreted as a loving gesture. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. My thoughts are with you.

KansasSunflower said...

Thank you so much for your kind words Christa! I can never figure out how people find their way here, but I'm so glad you did! : ) Thank you very much for caring, it means a lot.

Tam of Two said...

I feel you about the sexual pressure.... I too am not very sexual, and my partner gets frustrated :/ I reckon they should appreciate that we are trying for their sake!

KansasSunflower said...

Tam - I know! And how guilty does that make you feel? OMG it makes me feel horrible! I do all I can, it's not the frequency, I try to do what he says he wants, and then it's the "passion" or this or that and you know, it just makes me want to cry. You're so right - isn't part of being in a relationship at least *trying* to do all you can to make the person happy? That's all I can do, try as hard as I can.

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