Lamictal - What a Hell

I wrote half of this last night, and finished up the other half this morning.  So part of it I am feeling better than the first half...

I'm slowly improving from my Lamictal withdrawal symptoms.  I think my body went through a lot today, it does NOT feel well at ALL.  It feels like it went through hell, I feel like I'm getting over the flu or something, I feel pretty awful.  I thought it was completely mental, but apparently my mental anguish was so extreme that it overwhelmed whatever was going on with my physical body because my body sure does feel like it went through something rough.

I'm just now noticing I'm no longer verbally saying each word as I type it, so that's good - my focus must be much, much better.  I'm watching television now and following along. 

As I think I said in my million posts today, my relationship with my dog suffered quite a bit today, he sensed something was different with me and kept away from me.  Without meaning to, I was absent-mindedly pushing him away when he would get close to me and who knows what else I was doing!  Of COURSE nothing cruel, I love him to death, just not my normal smothering him with love type behavior I'm sure.  I was completely in a fog.  He was in the master bedroom where he hoards all of his favorite treats and toys and I heard what I thought was vomiting so I ran up there to make sure he was okay.  I have never ever seen him do this before, but my little 6 pound dog who is afraid of his own shadow growled at me like a rabid dog and was trying to bite me!  He was actually trying to jump up and bite my hand, I guess so I couldn't hurt him?    Why would he think that?  We adopted him from a shelter, I wonder if he was abused.  I guess, I mean I have no idea, but perhaps he didn't know how to read me today.  As I've been coming around, he has kept so close to me and he keeps licking me like he's so happy I love him again, I feel really, really bad.  I would never hurt him, but it hurts me that he would try to attack me like that, but I feel like he was scared of me, he seemed panicked and didn't want me near him and got worse as I tried to approach him.  He didn't lunge at me, he would only get aggressive when I tried to get near him or he perceived I was going to put my hand down to touch him, as if he was protecting himself.  Wow, what kind of vibe was I sending out???  

**This morning**

Mark keeps making me mad, I'm just incredulous at the things he is saying.  He got home yesterday, and the mud room where the washer and dryer are is one of the first things you see as you come in through the garage door, and he said "I guess you didn't get around to folding the laundry?"  Are you KIDDING me?   I said "so you have NO IDEA how bad I've felt today?"  At that time I had grown very emotional, I think just feeling any emotion was overwhelming compared to feeling no emotion. 

This morning, he saw that the padded envelopes we had bought on Sunday so I could send my running watch back to the manufacturer to repair were still on the table, and he said "so you didn't get around to sending your watch yesterday?". WHAT the HELL?  I asked him if he really thought I would have been able to drive?  He really had no idea how bad I felt, how I couldn't even view the world around me?  He then said I misunderstood him, he was trying to show empathy, but that doesn't sound like empathy to me.  It keeps sounding like he thought I was just laying around, being lazy yesterday.  I was being mentally tortured, and apparently physically as well because my body feels horrible today and my brain and emotions are still not normal.  I am very quick to get angry, but he is insulting me, he has absolutely no idea bad that was, even though I tried my best to explain it, it was absolutely debilitating.

I really think it would be better for me to just hang around the house again today recuperating, but it would appear that would not be okay with my husband.  I'm pretty emotional, maybe from the lack of a mood stabilizer, maybe it's overwhelming from a lack of emotions, no clue.

Now I can tell he's walking on egg shells, being careful what he says to me, acting chirpy, kind of fake nice and happy towards me.  I know I'm snapping at him, but he really has not been getting it at all.  I haven't even TRIED to explain how I am NOW feeling, like I've been run over by a truck, my ears hurt and sound hurts, so very, very strange, and yes, emotional.  What's the point?  He won't understand anyway.   

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