Lamictal Withdrawal - But I Couldn't Care Less.

A major flaw of mine is that I am a huge procrastinator.  Of course it's not something I like about myself, but I used to be so much worse, or maybe I just think that because Mark has taken over most of what I used to procrastinate the most about or has created strict schedules on tasks that are the worst for me, like laundry which I do not allow him to do.  He does not believe that separating colors is necessary, or maybe he only says that so he doesn't have to do laundry.

I knew I was running out of Lamictal at least two weeks ago as I get a 90 day supply at a time and can re-order a month in advance since my insurance company requires me to use mail order on medication that is used for more than two months.  As I was taking the next to last dosage, I re-ordered and chose next day delivery, naively thinking I would get it the next day.  No, there was a few days of processing time.  I have never, in the many years I've taken Lamictal, skipped a day, or if I did, it must have only been one day.  This time, it has been three days I believe.

I didn't think there would be any withdrawals, but beginning yesterday, I knew something was different about me.  Mark finally bought what he has typically always had - his "toy" - a second car, a sports car.  It's very "cute", although the guys at the car dealership laughed at me when I called a Dodge Viper "cute".  He's had so many sports cars - Mercedes AMGs, BMW M3's, Porches, I could go on.  So this is just the next new thing on the list to explore.

Normally in his convertibles I don't like to ride in them because I hate my hair blowing all over the place.  Yesterday, I didn't care.  Whatever.  I tied a leopard print scarf in my hair sort of like a headband with the ends hanging below in the back and actually thought it was cute.  I have no idea if I looked ridiculous but felt kind of 1930's or 40's'ish.  Threw on some sunglasses and was good to go.  I wasn't even looking to see if people were looking at us.  Didn't care, felt nothing except it was nice to be out on a warm, sunny day for a change in a city that is typically a cold tundra.

But today, WOW.  I am SO disconnected from everything.  I care about nothing.  I don't want to watch television because I don't know if I could follow the storyline, and I certainly wouldn't care about anything I would watch.  I'm completely and utterly emotionless, like a zombie.  I feel absolutely nothing. 

Even my dog can tell something is up.  He keeps kind of crying, maybe because I dote on him constantly, but today, it's not in me.  Right now I have no idea where he is, I think he is hiding from me, maybe he has hurt feelings.  I even forgot he was outside for about 30 minutes.  Of COURSE I love and adore my dog, but I'm not cuddling him like I normally do, but it's not like I'm pushing him away or anything.  I am paying attention to all of his needs obviously.  I guess he is a very, very spoiled dog, or at least everyone says so that comes to the house.  I have no idea why they say that though.  But in my opinion, you can't spoil a good dog.  And I've never had a dog that has loved me more than that little creature.

I'm so emotionless, I've removed a ton of friends on Facebook, and while I'm not really annoyed because I don't care about anything, I find it interesting that when I go to my "friends" Facebook doesn't show me ALL of my friends.  There was one person I remembered I was friends with and had thought about removing, but hadn't seen her to remove and thought "Oh good, she removed me".  Ha!  Not even a moment of feeling rejected, although there are SO many people I could care less about which is why I was doing it in the first place.  I typed in her name in the search box and no, we were still friends, so I removed her.  I was disappointed I couldn't remove more than 20 people, but whatever.  You know?  Just whatever, I can't change it, so, who cares.

I never post anything political on Facebook either, not about an opinion one way or the other at least because I don't want to offend anyone, but yesterday I did because you know?  I don't give a rat's ass about what people think, if they unfriend me because they don't agree with what I have to say.  I don't like the fact the government is collecting information on everything I do.  Right now, ha, I don't especially feel the need to do anything about it, but my cousin posted a little video about why just because you're not "doing anything wrong" means there's nothing to worry about is not true, so sure, I'll pass it along because it was a damned good video.  And it was by the ACLU and I know even just THAT will piss people off.

See?  I don't even normally use curse words in blog posts or even when I speak.  But right now, I don't give a damn, I was almost going say I don't give a shit, but I would never say that, it sounds trashy, although right now, I don't care how I sound to anyone.

I just don't care.

Not even about this post.  The only reason I am writing it is because I know I will think later on it is important to document my withdrawal symptoms from Lamictal, that is one of many reasons for my blog, so, it's really just a duty.

That is all.  You may have read to this point or not.  I'm not really here, it doesn't really matter, the world doesn't really exist to me right now.  I am just inside of myself and everything around me is blurry. 

I was supposed to go enroll for school today but...go to school, go to work, make something of myself?  Eh, who cares, I can't possibly muster the energy right now.

Mark asked if I minded if he had a couple of beers with some friends after work tonight, and I'm glad he is doing something with his friends, I always encourage that, and tonight is a perfect night for that.  I totally don't care, and it really is not a good night for him to be around me.  I even told him to stay out as long as he wanted - that is SO not me.  I usually ask him what time he thinks he will be home.

He said it was really weird, he had been busy all day, but usually when he checks his phone, he has several texts from me, and today, there was none.  After I told him I was feeling really disconnected but I hadn't figured out the reason yet, I was just thinking it was really weird, he said no wonder, but how he thought it was so strange.  That is what made me look up withdrawal symptoms from Lamictal on the internet and saw it ALL OVER THE PLACE - disconnection, feeling emotionless.

People described it being withdrawal from hell.  Have they never been on Effexor where you get dizzy and start puking beginning hour 24 of not taking it and continuing for at least a week?  Or Adderral?  THAT is withdrawal from hell.  Not caring about anything?  I mean seriously...WHO CARES?  Obviously, they care about the withdrawal symptoms - be thankful for at least THAT! : )

My Lamictal has arrived and I doubled what I used to take as my new psychiatrist told me to do.  Mark must not like how I am acting because he is very concerned about when I thought it would start working.  How in the hell do I know?  And why do I care?  It will work when it works, get over it.

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