No Lamictal - Day 3 - Take 3, Hurt

Still Day 3, Lamictal Withdrawals just a mere few hours from my last post .  I would now prefer the Adderall withdrawal days.  With that, I just felt sheer bodily exhaustion.  This is worse.  So very, very hard to explain.  I will attempt, do my very best to finish this entry.  I wanted to describe how I feel, yet...I keep rubbing my face with my hands, trying to focus, get concentration, think what I need and want to say, I'm actually having to say the words verbally as I type them.  I'm pulling at my hair.  Tugging at my face, anything to stimulate myself, maybe prove my existence? 

Like the song Hurt by Trent, NIN, or yes, okay, the remake by freaking Johnny Cash that people seemed to just LOVE but it was really Trent's song.  "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel I...focus on the pain, the only thing that's real."

I remember I used to listen and cry to this song, but now...I listen to it and feel nothing, I have no idea why NOW it describes exactly how I am feeling nothing.  This is the only version I could find of Trent singing it, his original on the Downward Spiral is so much darker, it would be so much more how I feel, but it still is pretty close to how I feel, except he had to change what was his ORIGINAL words, which was "my empire of SHIT".

Wow, I think my emptiness may suddenly be turning a bit more towards kind of an anger.  No, not really.  He just needed to say shit instead of darts or whatever the hell he said.  And this is not quite fitting for my mood - a charity tribute to Johnny Cash on CMT.  What the freak ever.

 
Hurt - NIN - Trent Reznor  
 
I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole,
The old familiar sting;
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end.
You could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt...

I wear this crown of shit,
Upon my liar's chair,
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
My empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I would keep myself,
I would find a way.
 
 

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