Okay, So I'm Depressed, I Get That Now.

Since my last post, I guess what I wrote towards the end, I've been crying and I just can't stop.  Is therapy really a good thing?  To hear things about yourself that you really don't want to hear, that make you sad, that you don't want to believe, like someone telling you that you're too hard on yourself when you don't think you're hard ENOUGH on yourself and you don't want to ease up even more than what you already are?

I'm already a loser, I'm too hard on myself, seriously?  How could a loser possibly be too hard on themselves?  Shouldn't they be more hard on themselves to get it together?  I just don't understand at all, not at all!

I am SO sad, SO confused, SO lost, I don't understand anything at all.  I just don't want to be here, I want to disappear.  I want my life to be different, I thought it would be different.  This is not what I wanted at all.  Everything is a mess and I don't know how to put it all back together.  Yet, from the outside, it probably looks like I have a pretty good life.  I don't, not at all.  Yet, I can't point to anything and say...THIS - THIS is awful, like I'm being abused or something.  No, nothing like that at all.

My therapist said it's the chemicals in my brain, they're not right yet, I have to give it some time from missing my Lamictal for so long, and it will take awhile.  I told her it is SO, SO very lonely to have a mental illness, I felt so very alone because I have no one to talk to about it. 

At first I thought she didn't understand me, she wasn't listening, because she said I was plopped from one state to another where I didn't know anyone, and that's NOT what I meant.  But then I remembered she started talking about how NO one has "perfect" brain chemistry, everyone has a chemical imbalance, and if they say they don't, if they say they never get depressed or anything, they are lying, and if they actually believe it, it will come back and bite them in the butt one day.  She then told me a story about her son having anxiety and on medication.  So, I guess she was saying, no, not guess, she actually DID say, I'm not alone having a mental illness because EVERYONE has a chemical imbalance, that I'm no different than ANYONE, and not to think of myself that way.  Right?  That's what she way saying?   

Okay, I took 2 klonipin because I really was hysterically crying and could not stop and feel a bit better now. 

Thank you dear blog for always listening.  I'm so glad I have you.  I have absolutely no one else that I could ever tell these things to and bare my soul to the way that I do to you.


susie said...

I'm not sure if this applies to this post or the last one...

But I was JUST thinking this morning that I'm not great at anything. Or really good, even. Sigh. Oh well.

KansasSunflower said...

Susie, you ARE. You're a great teacher, a great mom, a great wife, a great person overall - a very, very good and giving person. You're even good with a paintbrush! : )

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