Psychiatrist Appt, and the Cycle Continues

I saw my psychiatrist last night - she was SO nice, she fit me in, the same day, at 8:00p.  She increased my Latuda and we went over what she wanted me to take as far as the Lamictal increase.  I have no idea why, but it was very hard for me to understand.  She was telling it to me, but I couldn't comprehend it.  She wrote it down for me, and I read it, and I still wasn't getting it.  She had written it down two different ways, so she crossed out one of the ways and had me read it back to her, and then I thought I understood.  Something so simple, reading the dosage amounts of medications to take, although to be fair, it was 1 and a quarter of this for one week, then one and a half for the next week, then one and a half of that of another medication, it wasn't like "take one of this and one of that". But still, not that complicated, yet maybe it was, I don't know. 

She agreed with my therapist - no, I should not start school July 9th, I needed to work on getting well.  Yet...wouldn't it help with my self confidence to start school and prove to myself that I am capable?  Although, doing ANYTHING at all overwhelms me.  I canceled my 8 week check up with my GYN yesterday and I'm about to call and reschedule the grooming appointment for my dog.  I just can't deal.

I go back to see her in a week.  I think she wants to be sure I am taking what I am supposed to be taking honestly because I had such a hard time comprehending what I was supposed to be doing, and I guess to check up on how I am doing.  I had originally misunderstood her on my first appointment so...we're already off to a bad communication start.  She's a good psychiatrist, she really listens, perhaps it's me. 

I still feel really, really sad and the weird thing is, my stomach hurts so much.  Maybe it's anxiety but it feels physical like super bad constipation or something, like up to my ribs.  I get the two confused often - physical illness and anxiety.  I will get the stomach flu and think I have horrible anxiety until I start throwing up and then I realize I am sick.  I was getting dizzy and felt sick to my stomach in the waiting room while waiting for my appointment last night and sent a text to Mark, and he said that sounded like anxiety.  I hadn't considered that.  I really don't understand anything at all.

So my therapist says what I feel is chemical, but you know, when you're so very depressed, does it really matter if it is or isn't chemical?  I still feel what I feel.  Sure, I can tell myself "this isn't real, this is a chemical imbalance", but how exactly does that take away the sadness, the crying, the feeling of hopelessness?  Does it change how you feel about yourself, your situation, the world in general?  No.  Saying "this isn't real" doesn't help, but...having hope that it's chemical and can be treated I suppose does. 

Like I said, I have a horrible stomach ache.  Mark just called on the way to work and said maybe I should go to the doctor about my stomach.  I guess when he kissed me goodbye he said I winced like I was in a lot of pain.  Well, he kissed me on the cheek, that's not where I'm in pain, so I don't understand that, but yes, my stomach really hurts.  I told him I would take a klonipin and see if it was anxiety and he reminded me I took klonipin to go to bed last night and it still hurt and I realized he was right.  I think I'll try some laxatives and see if it's constipation.  It's not like I have appendicitis or anything life threatening, my stomach just really hurts, but not unbearably so.  It really still could have something to do with my emotions or...I'm just backed up.

Who ever knows why you feel the way you do???


Christa Harkins said...

I wanted to say this to you yesterday, but it was hard to say because I have to admit to not following my own advice. But my advice is this- please, please listen to your doctor and your therapist about school. I have been experiencing depression as well (not as severely as yours..mine only hits the same level as yours during an episode..but maybe this is just a mild to moderate episode I have no idea but I guess it doesn't matter), anyway I've been having depression as well. And I've been having major anxiety over everything, especially school. I went even though my doctor told me not to. I thought I would show her (and myself) that I could do it, that I'd feel better, but I couldn't do it and I feel even worse. And now I'm stuck there, terrified to take her advice but knowing that I have to despite having found myself $10,000 in debt with nothing to show for it. Really. I'm asking you, out of sincere concern for you, to try to take their advice. You're not a woman incapable of finishing school. You seem really intelligent in your posts. You just may need to handle one thing at a time and right now that one thing seems to be how you've been feeling. Best wishes. <3

Kristy said...

Gallbladder? You should get it checked.

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - I read up on gallbladder and just the fact that your stomach up to your ribs hurt and you're right, that is cause for concern, had no idea. I feel fine now though. Will definitely go to the doctor if it happens again. Thanks for making me aware!!!! : )

KansasSunflower said...

Christa - yes, I will follow your advice and both of my doctors, but every time I start to talk about it, it makes me start crying. I'm very, very sorry about your situation, that sounds terrible!!! You sound a lot like me - you want to push through, you don't understand taking a break. It's hard, but we're fortunate if we're able to do that. When does your semester/quarter end? And you can't compare depressions!! Depression is depression, and I usually write at my absolute worst. : )

Christa Harkins said...

I go to school year 'round. I have my classes five weeks at a time until I'm done. It winds up meaning I cram a semester's worth of course work for three classes into one month. I think that's what really gets me ya know? I'm thinking I should take some time off to work and pay back a couple hundred dollars that I owe to a college in Mississippi (not such a bad debt) so that I can have my transcripts sent to a local community college where I can actually have whole semesters to do my classes. My psych (who knows me well..she should after 6 years) also thinks I should study something in the arts or education, that part of the problem is that I currently know that I'm paying $20,000 to study something that I can't stand the idea of doing for the rest of my life. "It's just not for you," she said. I've also been told that all of these school problems aren't uncommon for people with bipolar disorder. So at least we aren't the only two girls in the depression/anxiety/school problems boat. (:

KansasSunflower said...

So interesting Christa - my psychiatrist and therapist keep asking me that as well - "are you sure this is what you want to do?", although they haven't come right out and said it's not like yours has to you, perhaps because I've just met them. You can't stand the idea of doing the rest of your life what you are studying? See, I'm thinking that as well! How did we get in this boat? Yet I've already poured all of this time and money into it - how do I just change courses and basically start over? And really? School problems aren't uncommon for people with bipolar disorder? Hmmm...maybe that's why my therapist suggested online when I do start school again. She said too much pressure on myself comparing myself against other people....I'm super, super bad about that, and really competitive.

Christa Harkins said...

I think we get in this boat because we're so hung up on doing what we "need" to do or what others are doing, that we forget to prioritize the things we're dealing with in our own lives (like bipolar) and we forget that it's not bad to just do what we "want."

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