She agreed with my therapist - no, I should not start school July 9th, I needed to work on getting well. Yet...wouldn't it help with my self confidence to start school and prove to myself that I am capable? Although, doing ANYTHING at all overwhelms me. I canceled my 8 week check up with my GYN yesterday and I'm about to call and reschedule the grooming appointment for my dog. I just can't deal.
I go back to see her in a week. I think she wants to be sure I am taking what I am supposed to be taking honestly because I had such a hard time comprehending what I was supposed to be doing, and I guess to check up on how I am doing. I had originally misunderstood her on my first appointment so...we're already off to a bad communication start. She's a good psychiatrist, she really listens, perhaps it's me.
I still feel really, really sad and the weird thing is, my stomach hurts so much. Maybe it's anxiety but it feels physical like super bad constipation or something, like up to my ribs. I get the two confused often - physical illness and anxiety. I will get the stomach flu and think I have horrible anxiety until I start throwing up and then I realize I am sick. I was getting dizzy and felt sick to my stomach in the waiting room while waiting for my appointment last night and sent a text to Mark, and he said that sounded like anxiety. I hadn't considered that. I really don't understand anything at all.
So my therapist says what I feel is chemical, but you know, when you're so very depressed, does it really matter if it is or isn't chemical? I still feel what I feel. Sure, I can tell myself "this isn't real, this is a chemical imbalance", but how exactly does that take away the sadness, the crying, the feeling of hopelessness? Does it change how you feel about yourself, your situation, the world in general? No. Saying "this isn't real" doesn't help, but...having hope that it's chemical and can be treated I suppose does.
Like I said, I have a horrible stomach ache. Mark just called on the way to work and said maybe I should go to the doctor about my stomach. I guess when he kissed me goodbye he said I winced like I was in a lot of pain. Well, he kissed me on the cheek, that's not where I'm in pain, so I don't understand that, but yes, my stomach really hurts. I told him I would take a klonipin and see if it was anxiety and he reminded me I took klonipin to go to bed last night and it still hurt and I realized he was right. I think I'll try some laxatives and see if it's constipation. It's not like I have appendicitis or anything life threatening, my stomach just really hurts, but not unbearably so. It really still could have something to do with my emotions or...I'm just backed up.
Who ever knows why you feel the way you do???