Road to Recovery

I think I'm starting to understand why Mark just doesn't, or didn't understand how horrible I felt yesterday with Lamictal withdrawals.  Since I was so disconnected from the world and felt completely emotionless, when I talked to him on the phone, I'm sure it sounded like I didn't care about anything, because I didn't.  Yes, I did try to describe and explain to him how I felt, but I wouldn't have made it sound like I cared much, because I just didn't feel anything.  It was pure mental hell, torture, but I didn't have the ability to express emotion about it, any type of anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, so that must be very confusing to him.  I know I told him I was concerned, maybe scared, but probably followed it up with I really don't care though, it doesn't matter or something, making it sound like it was no big deal because...I didn't feel anything about anything. 

But once the medication started kicking in, UGH, it smacked me in the face with what I just went through, how awful and horrible it was, how I was trapped mentally in a prison.  Then emotions were overwhelming, to go from feeling nothing to feeling ANYTHING, and to go from not being able to focus or even the ability to hear sounds fully to being able to focus on my surroundings and hear the things around me was sensory overload.  Everything was too loud, lights were too bright, anger was quick, sadness and hurt feelings came easily.  Mark said I was being impossible last night when he came home and I was basically following him around asking questions, interrogating him, telling him he felt this way about me, that way about me, he didn't understand this or that about me, he was doing this or that all wrong, saying everything wrong to me.

Now...I just feel...exhausted, mentally and physically.  But there are a lot of things I need to get done today.     

And I need to stop writing posts!  I think I've said quite enough on this matter now!

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