Where Do People Go?

I've often wondered why people with depression or bipolar disorder don't keep blogs.  Yes, there are a LOT of blogs by people with depression or who have bipolar disorder, but they don't keep them.  Eventually the vast majority get abandoned.  I used to keep a blogroll of my favorite blogs about people's personal journeys through their mental illnesses, but I was constantly having to remove people because they would stop writing.

In the beginning, I would really worry about it.  What happened to these people?  Were they okay?  I would send emails to the addresses they listed in their blogs and never received replies.  I was left wondering if they got bored with writing, if someone they knew found out about their blog, and of course the one that haunted me, if they took their own lives.  How would I ever know?  Something inspired them to write in the first place, they were feeling something so strongly that they had to get it out at that particular time - had it passed and they no longer needed the outlet?  Or...had they succumbed to their demons?

Sometimes strange things will happen.  Someone in Mark's family will say a curious thing and will make me wonder if they have found my blog.  If they have, is it so personal that they would not tell me?  Or even Mark?  I think it's paranoia, I've had this for years and years now and no one has suspected anything, or at least told me they have.  Mark may have found it had he not already known about it, but I told him about it years ago.  Apparently he read something about himself in it that really hurt his feelings and decided never to read it again.  I would say I didn't believe him but...he does really seem clueless about what I write about, how I feel, at least to the level that I describe here.

Perhaps others have a good support system where they can talk about their feelings and I do not.  I do not tell people I am bipolar, that I have ever been depressed, that I have any sort of mental illness.  Maybe I need a support group, I don't know.  All I do know is that right now just to talk to my new therapist about any past family issue is extremely difficult for me.  She brings it up slyly, I quickly answer the question and change the subject.  She said we could go at my pace, that I don't trust people, but yet, this snail's pace is pretty ridiculous!


Alicia said...

I miss writing in my blog. :( I'd have kept it up if it hadn't been used against me in court in a custody battle. I didn't always write as often as in the first five years, but it was always helpful for me and I was told to others. I'm like you, wondering about the other bloggers I used to follow but don't see around anymore.

KansasSunflower said...

Alicia! After I wrote that post you came to my mind! You are the ONLY one that ever wrote back to me! I actually thought about going back and editing that entry and saying "expect Alicia!", how funny! Your blog was used against you??? UGH!! How do people find them, anyway? I don't remember your blog saying specifically who you were, did it?

Gina Araner said...

Not that my intention is to make a shameless plug, but I was googling "Blogs for people with depression" and I came across yours, and I also have a blog that I semi-regularly update. It's mostly things about boosting self esteem, and things I want to remember, than a list of day-to-day tasks, but if you want to have an online support circle, I'm totally up for it :)

KansasSunflower said...

Gina - thanks! Send me an email.: )

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