I'm terrified of being rejected, yet I feel it all the time, and I don't know if it's imagined, if I'm too sensitive, but I do my share of rejection as well. Honestly, I don't know who is doing the rejection, other people or me, if it's split down the middle, if I do or say the wrong things? I'm constantly worried about what I am saying, what I am doing, how I am being perceived, am I good enough? I really don't feel that I'm good enough for anyone, anything, at any time.
I'm a mess, I can't even finish this entry. How can I go to counseling today? I can't share this with anyone, this is too sensitive, what if I said this and THEN felt rejected? And I would, no matter what someone said or did, I would, and that would feel even worse.
But I have to go. That doesn't mean I have to talk about anything important today. It's just my first appointment. But can I get through it without crying? Without divulging anything that will make me feel vulnerable? Yet I can't sit there and talk about the weather and anything personal at all will make me feel uncomfortable. I can talk about my past in a very detached way - that's what years of counseling and several rounds of group therapy learning to talk about "your story" because you grew up being told NOT TO TELL has trained me to do. Maybe it's seems strange to therapists, that I can talk about it so matter of factly, yet stop me to ask a question about how it makes me feel which makes me think about what I'm saying and not just reciting facts and events, and suddenly, I'm not okay.
I have no idea when I got so terrified of letting people in, maybe because my ex-boyfriend seemed so perfect, the one right before Mark, and once I got to know him, he became a monster. Is that it? I have no idea. Is it because I feel that eventually everyone hurts me when they go away? Maybe.
Is it because I'm a raging lunatic? Most likely.
For now, I've got to gather the courage to go to one counseling session. Just one. Maybe she can help me, maybe she can't. Maybe I can open up, maybe I won't. Maybe it is a good decision, maybe it's the worst decision of my life. I have no idea.
I would say what have I got to lose but...I feel like I have everything to lose.