Why Am I Scared?

Today is my first counseling appointment with the new therapist, and I am really anxious, dreading it, I could cry about it.  I've come to realize that I spend a lot of time and energy pushing people away and the idea of just talking to someone and letting them in again and how it will make me feel afterwards, about myself, how I will perceive they then feel about me, how vulnerable I will feel, how much I will hate myself for it - I'm just not looking forward to it.  I told my husband last night that he is the only person I've stopped pushing away, and he said I was wrong, I try to push him away all the time but he is very stubborn and won't go away.  I asked him how I did that, and he reminded me of the ways I often do that.  I do say things like I'm not good for him or things like that and he would be better off without me, or we don't share common future goals and maybe we would be better off not together, I just never thought about it.  It's just like this feeling comes over me, maybe I want to reject him before he rejects me, get away from him before he hurts me.  I even think about my dog often.  I love and adore him so much, he is the most faithful loving dog I have ever had and I love him more than any pet I've ever had, yet I know one day he won't be with me, he will even hurt me - not intentionally of course, he would never do that, but yet, it will hurt maybe unbearably so.  I just don't let people in, yet I've allowed these two into my heart, my life, and they have the power to hurt me so horribly, so terribly, it's really, really scary to me.  It's so strange - WHY am I crying about it right now?  NOTHING has happened!!! 

I'm terrified of being rejected, yet I feel it all the time, and I don't know if it's imagined, if I'm too sensitive, but I do my share of rejection as well.  Honestly, I don't know who is doing the rejection, other people or me, if it's split down the middle, if I do or say the wrong things?  I'm constantly worried about what I am saying, what I am doing, how I am being perceived, am I good enough?  I really don't feel that I'm good enough for anyone, anything, at any time. 

I'm a mess, I can't even finish this entry.  How can I go to counseling today?  I can't share this with anyone, this is too sensitive, what if I said this and THEN felt rejected?  And I would, no matter what someone said or did, I would, and that would feel even worse. 

But I have to go.  That doesn't mean I have to talk about anything important today.  It's just my first appointment.  But can I get through it without crying?  Without divulging anything that will make me feel vulnerable?  Yet I can't sit there and talk about the weather and anything personal at all will make me feel uncomfortable.  I can talk about my past in a very detached way - that's what years of counseling and several rounds of group therapy learning to talk about "your story" because you grew up being told NOT TO TELL has trained me to do.  Maybe it's seems strange to therapists, that I can talk about it so matter of factly, yet stop me to ask a question about how it makes me feel which makes me think about what I'm saying and not just reciting facts and events, and suddenly, I'm not okay. 

I have no idea when I got so terrified of letting people in, maybe because my ex-boyfriend seemed so perfect, the one right before Mark, and once I got to know him, he became a monster.  Is that it?  I have no idea.  Is it because I feel that eventually everyone hurts me when they go away?  Maybe. 

Is it because I'm a raging lunatic?  Most likely.

For now, I've got to gather the courage to go to one counseling session.  Just one.  Maybe she can help me, maybe she can't.  Maybe I can open up, maybe I won't.  Maybe it is a good decision, maybe it's the worst decision of my life.  I have no idea. 

I would say what have I got to lose but...I feel like I have everything to lose.


susie said...

Hopefully she'll just ease into it and save the heavy stuff for later.

Maybe you should just embrace being an introvert. Or do the exact opposite and take risks with others. I'm trying to figure that out myself.

KansasSunflower said...

Yes, she did what you said Susie, eased into it and saved the heavy stuff. I don't want to embrace being an introvert, that's not who I am and does not make me happy. But right now taking risks like you said scares me. Sounds like we are in the same place!

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