I woke up this morning and yes, I feel sad, but more importantly, I don't feel a connection with anyone, just really, really alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes a person here and there I will share a bit of myself, but I always feel like I've revealed too much and if anything goes wrong in that friendship, it is because I am such a weirdo. I think people can relate to me and might say something hoping they can, wanting validation for how I feel, when really, maybe they just don't get it at all. Perhaps I'm too intense, too emotional, too depressed. really is better not to let people see that side of me, the dark side, the real me. People don't want to see that. They want me when I'm happy, laughing, joking, making compliments, being fun. But all I want is a true friend, someone that I don't always have to keep on a mask for. I don't think those people exist and why would they? Who wants a Debbie Downer? But I'm not like that all of the time, just sometimes! I really am an extrovert and love to have fun and get excited easily, but when I don't feel that way, I wish there were people who still cared about me and wanted to be around me anyway.

Sure, I have a therapist to talk to now. But she is PAID to listen to me, and why shouldn't she be? She's the only one that can at least pretend not to be repulsed by me. So sad that you have to pay someone to pretend that they care.

I am very, very alone. Maybe not alone in the physical sense ALL of the time, but definitely emotionally. I'm a prisoner trapped in my dark, lonely thoughts, and maybe now I am actually feeling sorry for myself but that is how I feel. 

Alone.  Completely and totally alone.


Jen Daisybee said...

You're not alone. I feel this way a lot, too. I have friends, but I feel like I have to put up an act for most of them. I totally understand what you're saying. But true friends will not run away if they see the depressed side of you, because true friends aren't shallow like that.

KansasSunflower said...

Jen, thanks. It's so mixed - I'm so sorry that you can relate, but at the same time, I'm glad someone understands!!! You're right about true friends, but where are they? I can't help but think that a person who had mental illness could accept the "real" me as a friend, who else could understand, but people don't exactly share with me in real life if they have one, and it seems like people run for the hills if I expose anything other than complete happiness.

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