Tuesday, July 09, 2013

I Just Want To Sleep

Wow, I thought I was getting better, now here it is Tuesday and I'm a slobbering, crying mess again.  I just sit here, listening to nothing, the television isn't on, no music, all I hear is whatever sounds may or may not be coming from outside, stare at the walls, and think, think, think.  How strange is that?  But I don't want to do anything but that or sleep.  I really want to crawl back into bed and sleep, I feel physically and mentally exhausted, I want it all to go away, but I have a psychiatrist appointment this afternoon and I can't miss it.  I was just there a week ago but I guess she isn't sure if I understood how she had told me to change my medication and wanted to be sure I was now taking the right dosages.  Well, and she also added she wanted to "see how I was doing", but I don't know if that was true or not.  I think she just added that at the end to be nice, but really she thought I was out of my mind because I couldn't comprehend simple instructions on a piece of paper.

I should NOT have done something, but I wanted to find that email - the one from my aunt that said she had gotten a copy of the toxicology report from my dad's death and how to get it for ourselves.  She did say what they had determined the cause of death to be - something about the heart, but was waiting for the toxicology report.  There must have been an email after that, or maybe I am remembering the situation incorrectly, but I could have sworn she gave my sister and I the address to get it ourselves which was not in that email that I found, and I thought she said she had a copy of the report and it strangely omitted what the report said and instructed us to get a copy, which that email did not say, so maybe I deleted it for some strange reason.  I mean, it was a very, very strange email, why would it be so clear in my mind, yet I read it and it is SO not what I remember?  I must have deleted it or I can't find it.

But that wasn't the trigger.  I have over 1000 emails in a folder I put after he died marked "Dad", most of them I have not read.  He would forward things, sometimes multiple things, every day.  I was working long hours most of that time every day and simply did not have the time to read jokes, articles, that sort of thing every single day.  So I picked through a few of them, and one was a meme, the kind where you delete the person's info that sent it to you, and fill in with information about yourself.  It was the standard one, things you have done, things you haven't, nicknames you've had, where you were born, and the things he had never done made me sad.  But that's not what made me start crying.

The last questions said: Person who will send this back the fastest.  His reply?  No One.  Really?  No one?  So then...I was always so curious about what his email address was.  It was "bupkis2u".  I had no idea what "bupkis" was, didn't bother to find out at the time, so I looked it up for the first time.  Literally, in Yiddish it means "goat shit", but first generation Americans use the term to mean "little or no value".  Wow, really?  That's what he thought of himself?

So I could feel myself start to cry, there's really no purpose in it, you can't change anything in the past, yet...I mean how could I have known?  That's what is so hard, you can't change anything in the past. 

And yet, maybe he felt that way about himself, but he made me feel that way about myself as well when I was a child and he abandoned me and moved to another state because, he even said this to me as if it would make me feel better? that it hurt too much to see me playing outside after he and my mother got divorced and we all lived in a small rural Kansas town.  So basically, yes, he did move away just to get away from me.  I missed him so, so much, would cry when I was so little, yet he had done that on purpose which of course I hadn't known at the time, and thank goodness for that.  My heart was broken enough.

But reading that email was only a trigger, I must still be very depressed after all.  Sure, maybe I would have cried a bit normally, but I wouldn't just sit here and cry and cry and after awhile forget what I'm every crying about and just be unable to stop and not know why.

Triggers, they are everywhere, and I never know where they are going to come from.  I have been so careful these last few days, telling Mark not to talk about certain things or trying not to watch other things, trying to stay as positive as possible, listen to positive music, keep anything negative away.  Yet...the one possible chance sadness had to creep in, and it got me and I can't shake it.  I don't WANT to take klonipin for it, I am tired of putting it off for another time because it will just come back.  I wish it was like going through some sort of drug withdrawal.  It gets bad, and maybe worse, but you eventually you'll get through the storm.  Eventually it gets better.  And while yes, I know that is true, there is no facts or data to tell me WHEN.  No one can tell me that, there are no guarantees, there are no graphs, no soothing words anyone can say.

Yes, I realize I have a chemical imbalance, but like I told my therapist, how exactly does that change how I FEEL?  What I THINK?  Just knowing that...I mean, I guess that is supposed to give me hope, that my feelings aren't real, that the situation is not what I think it is, but yet...my feelings are real, what I believe right now is real. 

It is so confusing.  I just want to sleep. 



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