Thursday, July 04, 2013

Just Trying to Keep Up!

I saw my therapist yesterday, and as I was talking, she asked me to open up my notepad on my iphone and write down things to tell my psychiatrist when I saw her as we were talking.  They work closely together, respect each other's work a lot, and when I tell them one of them has told me one thing and to tell them that, they take it seriously, or they ask me what did the other say when I tell them something.  Not about EVERYTHING, just once in awhile.

So, because I have a horrible memory right now and have absolutely NO CLUE what she told me to write down in therapy, I will open up notepad and see what she told me to write down to tell my psychiatrist as we were talking.

Forgetfulness and inability to concentrate since missing Lamictal dosages
Should I be taking Klonipin when I get very depressed or something else?  (Because right now, I have absolutely nothing prescribed for that, I am using medication I have stockpiled over the years.  Klonipin is only prescribed for sleep.)
Tell her the incident where I almost got hit by a truck
The feeling of being hopeless

And that's it - just four things that she thought my psychiatrist needed to know when I saw her.  She helped a lot.  I guess the argument Mark and I had is a very common one she sees in marriage counseling.  The way I feel and what I said to him when he kissed me in bed is also very common, as is his reaction, when I thought I complimented him and he thought I insulted him. That does make me feel SO much better.

She did push for a bit of family history today, but not much.  As I was telling her about how my dad died, I remembered the really weird thing my aunt did after his death.  Maybe I blogged about how weird it was at the time, or maybe I didn't consider it weird at all.  People "assumed" he had died quickly of a "blood clot" in his head.  They found a blood thinner prescription at his apartment, and since he checked himself out of the hospital against doctor's orders, I guess they thought they knew what he had died from, I really have no idea.  I was kind of left puzzled and with a big question mark as to why he died.  When people ask me, I just say obesity related illnesses, because he did have a lot of them.

But, and I only get my information from my family who can be way too much of polly-annas, they were running a toxicology report just to be sure, maybe it was routine, I don't know.  My dad had just died.  They told me he had died because of a certain thing and it may have been the same day he checked himself out of the hospital, so I just went with that.

At least several weeks went by, and I got this weird email from my aunt.  She just sent it to my sister and I which us very weird as well. That may be the only email ever that anyone has sent to just my sister and  myself.  We barely know each other.  It said that she had gotten a copy of the toxicology report, gave an address to request one in writing and said how much it cost.  That was it.  Hello?  She HAD a copy of the toxicology report already, in her possession, why not just TELL us what it said?  And...since she had a copy of it, if it was normal, why did she think we needed to write and pay for a copy of it ourselves?  What was the purpose?

Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions.  Maybe she wanted our minds eased that he didn't commit suicide, but couldn't she had said that it came back normal?  Why all the secrecy?  And you know, if he committed suicide, do I really want to know that?  He made an attempt just a few years before that - a true attempt, not a cry for help, so when I heard he had died, that was the first thing that crossed my mind. 

Why did she send that email the way she did?  Maybe she was still very upset about her brother passing away and didn't know what the hell she was doing, who ever really knows why people do what they do.

But...if anyone has as much suicide in their family as I do, I've never heard about it.  Certainly suicide is a taboo subject.  It's not exactly a topic you bring up at parties, and most certainly not something my family wants to talk about or have brought up.  I'm sure it's a very painful subject for them, and probably each of the survivors struggle with their own mental health.  I know I certainly do.  It would just be nice if we could TALK about it, but even if so, I'm not close enough to them to even have that conversation.  Like my therapist said today, "So really it's just you and Mark" when she was asking about how close we are to our families.

I deactivated my facebook page today.  I feel a big burden has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I don't feel obligated to "like" pictures of my cousin's baby, one of the millions she posts every day bragging about how cute he is when really?  I don't think he is a cute baby at all yet I don't want to hurt her feelings.  So many things on facebook I felt were social obligations.  Or social snubs.  I know so many people say, as I would defend myself as well, "it is the only way I stay in contact with my family and many of my friends".  If that is true, they have no other way to contact you, are they really close family members and friends?  I decided I no longer wanted to share my life with people that weren't really in it.  It's nice to see things and just ENJOY them, to be going to an event tomorrow and wonder if I should post it on facebook, that I'm there, who I'm with.  Why do I want people I don't even care about to know what I'm doing, who I'm with, even what I look like?  If they are not in my life, they no longer get to see those things, have morbid curiosity about how I turned out, if I gained weight, what I now look like, where I live, what kind of life I have.  That even includes my family members who only knew how to contact me through facebook, that includes Mark's family members who only saw updated pictures of us when I posted them.  You might say I'm isolating myself out of depression but I've been thinking of deactivating my facebook account for a *long* time.  I don't see how it enhances my life in any way. Now that a full day has passed, I haven't regretted it for even a second.  I feel liberated.

BUT!  The girl that basically broke up with me on facebook?  I replied to her message and then deactivated my account this morning.  Apparently she replied and then thought I blocked her because it wouldn't send the message to me.  She is someone who does know how to contact me outside of facebook.  She sent a text saying she was sorry if she offended me because I had blocked her and I responded no, I deactivated my account, so now she wants to be friends. Glad to know she really did like me for me, but...I don't know.  We texted quite a bit, never really found out why she broke up with her boyfriend except he betrayed her and this is a guy I have to see in social settings so I really don't want to know if it is that bad, I don't want to hate him.  Mark is going to be friends with him no matter what happened, so it's probably best if I don't know what a piece of crap he really is, and I'm pretty sure that's the case when it comes to relationships.  He is still in love with his ex-wife.  I really don't know where to go with this friendship.  And is this the best time for me to be figuring out something like this?  I don't think so!  I'm not exactly in the best frame of mind right now!

Tomorrow (well, I guess today, it's 4 in the morning) is the Goo Goo Dolls and Matchbox Twenty concert!  So excited!  I love Matchbox Twenty, but the Goo Goo Dolls sing one of my all-time favorite songs, from the movie City of Angels, although I didn't know it was from that movie until I saw it.  Such an awesome, awesome song.  WAY excited, although Mark isn't.  Matchbox Twenty is his favorite bands, but he claims he will feel the same way hearing the songs live from Rob Thomas singing them as he does when listening to them on a CD.  Really?  I wonder about that.  He has never seen a favorite artist of his in concert before.  I'm curious to see his reaction, whether he hates crowds or not.

So here is one of my all-time favorite songs, and I will go absolutely berserk when they play it!  I guess I'm more of a "poetic" type of person, I like a song more because of the words than the melody, although both are important.  Sometimes a song will come along and I'll think wow, someone else feels that way?





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