Just, wow, I don't know.

I got an email from the one person in Chicago I thought I had made friends with - I was actually friends with her outside of my husband, even though it was my husband's friend's girlfriend.  I knew there was a very good chance they would breakup, but why couldn't we be friends?  Why would that matter?

So I haven't kept in touch with her since I cancelled on her the night after the Ravinia when I was in bed from my massive hangover - the four of us were going to do something together and I couldn't.  I was so sick.  It took me two days to get over that!  Then the Lamictal withdrawals, I've been a complete mess lately.

I checked my emails just a bit ago, and she said she was "sure I knew they had broken up" and felt it would be awkward between us now.  No, I had no clue.  If my husband knew, he didn't tell me, he has been majorly stressed out at work, and if his friend had called him, I doubt he had the time to return his call.

So she was my friend exactly WHY now?  Because she wanted her boyfriend's friends to like her?  She didn't actually like me for me?  Yes, she threw in a lot of complimentary things in there, but she completely shut the door.  I did reply and say I didn't think it would be awkward, but now that she already did that, I feel hurt.  It's the same old thing - everyone goes away in the end.  No one ever sticks around in my life, that's just how things work.  Most of the time I'm never quite sure exactly what I did.  I'm left saying "please, no, stay..." and it never works.  Just another big rejection.  Yes, I know that sounds terribly dramatic and such an over-reaction, I shared basically nothing with her, but rejection is rejection.

Mark and I had a terrible fight tonight.  What I meant as a compliment he took as an insult and I'm still confused about the whole thing.  I tried to explain myself and shared something very vulnerable about myself, and he just had the same uncaring look on his face, still upset with me, even though it made me start crying and crying by revealing how I felt which was so very hard to do.  To him, it was nothing, I guess it was silly, but to me?  I told him that the reason I did or didn't do certain things is because he was maybe the only person I have let in who has the power to really hurt me, and why would I expect him to like things about me that I can't accept about myself, and risk rejection, abandonment, something he knows is one of my biggest fears?  To *me* it was stupid what he was saying, that I was always moving his hand from certain parts of my body, I seemed uncomfortable, but yes, I am very uncomfortable with my body, he hasn't always been complimentary towards me and I brought up those times, and as guys always do, he accused me of holding things against him forever.  I'm sorry, but if you say ANYTHING negative about a woman's body, at any time, in any place, in any situation, they will remember everything about it forever.  Any woman reading this will SO know what I mean.    So being intimate with that person?  Is that going to go through my head?  Yes, of course, no matter how much he compliments me, no matter what he says or does, those two or three times ever he has said anything, THOSE are what I remember.  He said we have never taken a shower without me wearing my bikini.  NO, one time I took off my bikini top in the shower and it didn't seem like it pleased him much at all, he totally didn't care, I didn't see that it did anything for him at all.  And for him to say "NEVER"?  I've only done it ONCE and it was so insignificant, because I only did it once, he doesn't even remember THAT?  How am I supposed to feel? 

I am starting to think that *he* is the one with the problem, maybe it's not just me.  Sex does not equal love.  He kissed me in bed the other night then rolled over, and all I said was "it's nice to be kissed without you wanting sex", telling him what I wanted, what I liked, I appreciated getting MORE affection, and that was an INSULT?  Somehow I was saying that I did NOT want to have sex?  But yet, yes, he basically said he doesn't feel loved without sex, that is what love is to him.  We have sex on a regular basis, he is not deprived.  I said do you realize that is what girls who have been sexually abused at a young age say and feel?  They don't feel love unless they have sex?  They crave sex to feel loved?  Maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe it's a guy thing.  I reminded him of our frequency, he didn't care.  Of the things I had changed and all I had done that he asked, he didn't care. 

I told him marriage counseling was STUPID, all of those changes I made were for NOTHING, absolutely nothing.  It meant nothing to him, he agreed, marriage counseling was stupid and felt he had changed as well and things were the same. I just lost it.

You know, and really?  He knows what I'm going through right now.  He called me when I was at the grocery store today.  I was halfway freaking out because I couldn't believe how much attention I was having to pay just to buy groceries.  He even said he was going to let me go because I sounded very preoccupied and I apologized, I just had to really focus on buying groceries.  It wasn't just zoom down the aisles like I normally do without much thought and with a million other things on my mind.  I'll talk to him on the phone or do things on my phone while I shop, read labels, check prices, all kinds of things.  Today?  I had to concentrate on where things WERE, what I needed, what aisle they would be in even though I've been to this store so many times.  I was worried that people could see it written all over my face, that I was just totally clueless.  I even forgot the regular process when I was checking out at the same store I've been going to for years and years - even back in Texas.  I could swear people were looking at me like I was weird.

So, yes, we had a horrible argument, worst time ever to have an argument so bad, and I couldn't stop crying, and I started thinking...you know?  What do I even have in my life?  What is here for me?  Why do I keep living, what is there to live for?  Sometimes, in those dark moments, the thought of ending your life is soothing.  I can't say I was in *so much pain* that I wanted it to go away.  No, I know what that feels like.  I just didn't see a hope for any future, that things would ever get better between Mark and I and right now, he is all I have.  We would still be having the same argument for the next 100 years, I will still keep getting sick, who knows if and when I'll ever finish school, I'm sitting at home doing nothing, and no, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I just didn't want to exist.  I didn't want to go on another day.  I started looking up the lethal dosages of all the medications I have, which by the way, I found out the term is LD, but those that I can take enough of, there are too many possibilities of surviving with some sort of brain damage.  I don't have anything where I could just fall asleep and that would be it.  I don't want to survive and have some sort of brain damage for the rest of my life.  I also wasn't wanting it to be a cry for help - I was not wanting to make a cry for help, and even if I did, I didn't feel that anyone would care.  Mark sure didn't seem to.  I even told him later what I had been doing because he had been accusing me being on the internet and airing his dirty laundry in my blog and yes, sure enough, he didn't care.  He said he felt that way too sometimes.  Really?  He's looked up the lethal dosage of medications to take for the next day?  He seemed surprised that 50 Tylenol was a sure way so no, I don't think so.  Of course I prefaced it with "I wasn't really going to, I was just curious, sometimes it just makes me feel better to know there's a way out..." because like I said, I wasn't making a cry for help.  Someone who is actually feeling that way isn't really going to tell you.  It's a taboo subject, we all know what will happen if we say we feel a certain way, we have thought to make plans to do something and was serious.  I don't want to go to the pysch ward nor do I feel I need to right now. 

I'm OKAY, I'm not going to do anything, and it's true, the thought that I COULD is soothing in dark moments like that, to the point where I am looking up LD of my medications just in case, to prepare, but...I'm not sure how serious I really am.  At that moment, I was sort of serious, my idea was to do it tomorrow when no one was home and I didn't care if Mark found me, he was so upset and unhappy with me anyway, why would he care?  But my dog.  HE would care.  HE would miss me.  HE would be unhappy, and he would be here when it happened and I don't want that.  A sad little dog, wondering what is wrong with me.  He gets very upset when something is wrong with me.  And I relate to that little dog more than anyone.  He doesn't trust hardly anyone, either.

Wow, this is such a negative post.  Yuck.  Am I really in that dark of a place?  No, I don't think so.  I'm okay, or am I?  What is okay?  What is normal?  Are you depressed when you are crying all the time, which I'm not, or is it normal to get so upset that ending your life is soothing? 

I have no idea.  I really don't care.


susie said...

You should volunteer at the humane society. You'd find like-minded people there.

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - Yes, I totally love animals, you are so right, but they break my heart, too. I want to save EVERY SINGLE ONE. Meaning, I want to adopt every one. I can't stand that they don't have a home. It hurts so much to see them in little cages, it makes me cry under "normal circumstances" so...I choose to donate instead and save myself the heartache!

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