Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Music That Never Goes Away and What Do I Not Know!!!

I've had this problem in my head (well, obviously, but not what you're thinking) ever since I can remember, and I assumed everyone had it as well.  But lately, it's gotten pretty bad, and I asked my husband if he experienced what I did, and he said no.

All of the time, I mean all of the time, music is going on in my head.  But it's not always a song I just heard, it can be COMPLETELY random, and I always wake up with a VERY random song in my head.  I remember a long time ago, I would try to dictate what song I woke up to and tried to fall asleep listening to that song.  It never worked.  For some reason, that is not how my brain works.

Yes, I know the whole phenomenon about "catchy tunes".  You hear something and then can't get it out of your head.  Sure, I get that too, but that is not what I am talking about. 

For instance, this morning I woke up, and Kenny Rogers "She Believes In Me" was going through my head.  I mean seriously?  Do you know how long it has been since I've heard that song? 

It just seems like it is particularly bad lately, and maybe it is BECAUSE of what songs my brain is choosing that it seems like it is bad, or maybe the volume in my brain has been turned up.  I realized it *might* be a problem when I woke up to the song "Without You" (Badfinger/Harry Nillson/Mariah Carey/tons of people have covered it), which is NOT GOOD!  I was already so depressed, that song is SO FREAKING depressing, I had not heard it in YEARS, and I know what happened to the writers of the song.  They committed suicide!!  That was totally the absolute wrong song that needed to be stuck in my head that day.  That may have been the day I started crying, couldn't stop and took klonipin and it knocked me out for hours for some bizarre reason.

That was also during a period where, for maybe 3 or 4 mornings in a row, I woke up to break-up songs, and I'm not going through a break up?  That is the only one I remember right now, I just remember thinking "ANOTHER break up song this morning?  What is going ON?" 

So...I thought everyone went through this.  I've even said to Mark before "I've got such and such going through my head", and he would reply with what he had going through his head.  So the other day, I was curious.  I asked him if he ALWAYS had music in his head.  He said no.  I said if you don't always have music in your head, what is going through your head?  He said numbers.  Huh?  I don't get that.  How can numbers be constantly going through your head?  I said "So it's like you constantly hear the number 7 over and over?" Of course I knew that was ridiculous, but I had absolutely no concept of what he was talking about.  He explained it to me, but I still don't get it.  How can numbers go through your head?  Constantly counting things?  I don't understand.  Maybe he doesn't understand me, either.

Of course there is always that internal dialogue on top of the music, but the music is always there, and I have absolutely NO CHOICE in what is playing unless, like everyone else, I happen to stumble on a "catchy tune" that won't go away.  Yes, that it annoying, but so is every other song, like Kenny Rogers right now.

I still don't know if I'm well or not, but Mark seemed to think I made progress yesterday because I folded at least the laundry I did over the weekend (but not what I did last week yet, we are still picking through that if we need something from there), and I took Bailey to the groomer.  HOWEVER:

Mark got his little *toy* and the low tire pressure light won't go off.  I followed him to the dealer and he pulled into the parking lot and as I was making my turn into the dealer, I TOTALLY did not see a semi truck coming my way and he almost slammed into me.  He laid on his horn for a really long time which was probably out of fright because I was already into the turn, there was no way to go back and I was right in front of him.  It was up to him - either he could stop, or he couldn't.  All I could see was a big grill on my side and that the outline of the grill was yellow - I just knew it was something monstrous. 

Well of course Mark saw the whole thing.  He said "Did you not SEE that truck before you turned?  Do you know how lucky you are that he was able to stop that quickly?"  What am I supposed to say?  I am a very, very defensive driver.  The dumbest thing I have ever done is text and drive in stop and go traffic and had a fender bender on the freeway.  Other than that, it's been people hitting me - and just fender benders and I've always been very gracious, hoping others would be the same to me.  However, yes, I do know there are very dishonest people out there and once someone tried to take advantage of me, or should I say my insurance company.  Had that not happened, it would never have occurred to me not to trust people in those situations.

ANYWAYS!  So, I don't know how I'm acting, how I appear to others, if I seem okay, but I don't think I am 100% yet.  Apparently last week, I had sex with my husband and have absolutely no recollection of it, and also apparently, I didn't enjoy it.  Then maybe on Thursday?  I thought wow, we haven't had sex in awhile and mentioned it and he said you don't want to, you don't like it, you really hated it last time.  I was so confused, we hadn't tried in so long because I wasn't well and then he told me and said WHAT?  Then I asked him what I was wearing and he said I had come to bed and not put on a nightgown that night, I had on the red t-shirt I was wearing that day.  That is SO not like me!  I just simply WAS NOT THERE and he said yes, he had thought it was strange. 

But then even THAT night, I did weird things.  Like I climbed into bed and took off my underwear and shocked him so much he mentioned it.  I didn't even realize I had DONE that, I NEVER do that, so I started wondering why did I do that and how did I not know I did that?  What was wrong with me?

So see, all of these weird things I'm doing, I don't even realize I'm doing them unless someone tells me I am.  What else am I doing that I don't know?  I don't know what I don't know, you know? 

It's so very confusing to me and...since I don't know what I'm doing that is wrong or different or weird, it is quite scary.



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