She put me on an anti-depressant, Pristiq. She started to put me on Effexor - she asked if I had been on it before because my last psychiatrist still hasn't sent his records. He had seemed so anxious about my new psychiatrist having my records - he actually wanted whoever it was to have them BEFORE I saw my new doctor for the first time. I didn't like that at all, for them to read his analysis of me and get an opinion of who I was from his viewpoint before they even saw me. And besides that, who knows if you will click with someone until you meet them?
So, I told her yes, I had been on Effexor before I was diagnosed with being bipolar and yes, it had worked for depression, but I was concerned about it because I remember as soon as it had been time to take my next dosage, if I didn't take it right away, and I mean RIGHT away, like within that 24 hour period, I would get very, very dizzy and start vomiting. She said many drugs are like that, but she then suggested Pristiq, I guess because it didn't have as bad of a reaction as Effexor? And OH YES DOES SHE KNOW that I refuse to take anything that will make me gain weight, she is very clear about that!! I think I've been pretty clear in my blog where I now stand on that issue as well. 10+ years as a prisoner to weight gaining psychiatric medications is 10 years too long.
She asked why I stopped taking Effexor if it had worked. I told her I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder (when I was *my* kind of manic, where I am irritated and don't know why I can't get over something but don't really do anything about it, but it's just not a great feeling, you know?) and the new psychiatrist took me off of it and put me on bipolar medications. Yet everything went wrong, I got way worse, way, way worse (swung in the direction of depression, so, so far in that direction) instead of better, and I ended up in the psych ward where I got a new psychiatrist and new medications anyway.
So we were talking about how I was feeling and I was telling her about my crying jags, and she asked that horrible question that you don't really know how to answer - I mean, you want to tell the truth but then you think, should I? What can I tell? What do I feel safe telling? She asked, "Have you been having any suicidal thoughts?" I just kind of looked around the room wondering what in the world I could tell her because I wanted to be honest and I want to get better and I want help from her, but at the same time, I know there are things I just can not say and I don't know where the line is, especially now that I am in a new state. I'm trying to say - I don't want to say something and freak people out again and end up in the psych ward. Right now, that is not the right place for me.
So, I decided to tell her truth because, from what I understand, they only get very concerned if you have a plan - and maybe a time and place, not sure, but a plan would not be good. But, if that were all true, if I did have a plan and time and a place, OH MY GOD, yes, get me to check into a freaking psych ward if you care anything about me! And I don't have a plan, not really, obviously not now, but in my darkest moments this past week or two, even looking up lethal dosages of medications, I didn't have a plan. I was looking for one, but I didn't have one. Yes, it would be nice to go to sleep and never wake up, that was an "idea", but the actual plan to do that? No, I have never had a plan on how to do that.
So I told her...that yes, I had had suicidal thoughts, but only that the idea was soothing to me, that it was there, but I never had any plans or had decided to do anything about it. It felt nice in my darker moments to know I had an option, but I never intended to actually do anything. She nodded her head, wrote it down, seemed to understand, and we moved on. BUT. She asked the question, and looked at me so seriously, so intently, it seemed like a year passed while she waited for the answer and I thought about how to answer it while she patiently waited, staring at me, analyzing me. I could tell she wasn't just watching me for the answer, she was watching for my reaction to the question, how I was going to respond, I'm not quite sure exactly what she was looking for. But she was looking at me in a way that I could tell it was more than just what I said that she was looking for.
So...I start Pristiq tomorrow morning, 50 mg after breakfast.
Oh, the sleeping all the time! I thought it was depression, and maybe some of it is, I don't know. I told her about that. She said the Latuda was increased and that can be sedating, and that could be why I am so tired all the time, why I've been sleeping so much. I told her I just feel physically exhausted, like I can't even keep my eyes open I'm so tired, so maybe that isn't depression. And now that she has said that, yes, it is kind of a drugged feeling, I had never considered that, but I don't WANT to feel drugged again. UGH! So I don't know how I feel about that. Anyways, she suggested cutting back on some of the klonipin before bed to see if that helps. I don't think it will but, okay, whatever. I think that a lot when a doctor tells me to do something but do it anyway just, I don't know, because, and am surprised when it actually works so, sure, I'll try it.
I go back in two weeks. Hopefully I'm fixed by then! Think I can be fixed in two weeks? It can totally happen.