One Day At A Time!

I'm feeling better but I still feel unmotivated.  I try to get one thing done every day like go to the grocery store.  Do laundry.  Today it is fold the laundry.  There are things I do every day like make dinner, feed the dog, those types of things but outside of that, I just choose one thing and try to accomplish that.  I take a shower every day, fix my hair, put on make up.  One day I went to the salon and got my hair colored and cut.  That was what I got accomplished for that day.  It's really all I can handle.  Why am I so unmotivated?

However, I have started running again.  I've run 4 times now since the whole Lamictal debacle and have started a new training program - it's to run a 10k in under 60 minutes, at least that's what the training program promises it will accomplish at the end, but I don't think it will succeed in my being that fast.  I *am* hoping that it will increase my speed significantly however.  Just any increase will be wonderful!  We're going through a heat wave in Chicago right now which would be laughable in Texas - it's in the upper 80's, lower 90's every day but so, so humid.  In Texas?  A heat wave would be in the 100's.  I don't know why though, but it seems like this heat wave feels just as hot as the 100's in Texas.  Is it the humidity?  Is it because ALREADY I'm not used to it getting so hot?  I have no idea.

I actually did something with a friend I made in Chicago last weekend and had a lot of fun!  We took a Segway tour of architecture in a part of Chicago that was really beautiful, very historically significant homes, and I think the girl and I are a lot alike.  It is SO RARE for me to meet someone that I "click" with, or that I actually want to hang out with or that I want to talk to or share anything with, but I feel like I could tell her anything for some reason, not that I have.  No, I certainly have not. 

I found myself laughing at things she was saying because it would be things I would be thinking but not saying and she would just blurt them out without thinking about what she said first.  For example, one of the Segway tours this company gives has something to do with chocolate, and the tour guide told us he was surprised that we didn't do the chocolate tour because that is his most popular.  She asked him what it was all about and after he explained it, she said, "Wow, so you must eat a LOT of chocolate and then just ride around on a Segway?"  I admit, I was feeling pretty lazy riding around on a Segway that day even though we could never have walked that distance in that amount of time, and then to put chocolate on top of it?  Even so, it sounded really horrible, right?  So we all stood there while her comment sunk in, and the tour guide finally said, "So what are you trying to say?" in a joking but kind of serious way.  I just laughed while she tried to get herself out of it because I knew she was thinking what I was - about herself, not him.  I hadn't really considered his weight before that - he wasn't overweight but not in shape either, it was just funny.

I went to the therapist's office on Friday morning.  I thought I was supposed to be there at 9 but she didn't show up.  My memory has been *horrible*, it's totally possible that I did not remember the right day, maybe the right time, I have no idea.  So I waited until about 9:10 or 9:15 with the door locked, knowing she was on vacation and I thought she was coming back that day, then left her a message telling her I must have gotten the day wrong and I would be back the next Friday at the same time.  I don't have a card with the day or time on it, so how do I know?  She just kind of tells me in therapy when my next appointment is, and with my memory being so horrible right now, that is not a good thing.  Actually?  I have no idea!  Maybe she did give me something with it on it! 

My memory is getting better, but I'm still struggling.  I expect Mark to know what I am talking about sometimes.  Last night I found myself saying, "Did you get the thing out of the thing?" when we were in the closet.  I was just really frustrated that I couldn't come up with the words when I needed them so I just blurted out whatever to get it out.  Of course he looked at me strangely and said he had no idea what I was talking about so I had to stand there and think about words I was trying to say, and it was a struggle!  I was trying to say, and even now it is a struggle, "Did you get your laundry out of the closet that you put down the laundry chute?"  He puts his laundry in a chute in the closet upstairs and it goes downstairs to a closet next to the laundry room.  I refuse to do it because I'm not convinced something won't get stuck.

I did go to the grocery store yesterday and I didn't have to concentrate on where everything was just to get it all done.  I didn't forget the process of checking out like last time.  So...I'm improving. 

My mood is also so much better, I think mostly due to Pristiq.  I'm not sleeping all day anymore, yet...still so unmotivated.  Is that still because of the increase in Latuda and I feel sluggish, or just my mood?  I have no idea, no idea at all.

Today is day 8 on Pristiq, I guess my therapy appointment is Friday, no clue, have not heard from my therapist, and I go to my psychiatrist next Friday, I *think*, but she does send me an email reminder thank God! 


Tam of Two said...

oh my gosh I am in exactly the same boat!! So sluggish and unmotivated, and my memory is TERRIBLE!! am constantly forgetting/mixing up appointment times, its so frustrating!

Glad to hear that you are on the mend though, you're exactly right, one day at a time and things will keep getting better and better :) xx

susie said...

Ooh, we must be living parallel lives. I went out to lunch this week. Call the press!

KansasSunflower said...

Tam - yes, it's frustrating!! I hope you get better soon - it's good to know we're in this together!!

KansasSunflower said...

Susie - we're on a roll - let's keep up the momentum! : )

Lo Lo said...

My memory isn't great to begin with but has been,particularly terrible these any of your Docs have any explanation for this? Loved this entry. It is my life the last 4 months. Sorry we are in the same boat, but relieved I'm not alone.

Lo Lo said...

I am definitely feeling the terrible memory thing! What is that? I don't have a great memory to begin with but its been awful! Have your docs given you any explanation for this?? I am sad we are in the same boat, but relieved I am not the only sailor.

KansasSunflower said...

Lo Lo - yes, they just said it was because I stopped taking my Lamictal for a few days, I guess. Perhaps depression? But it's slowly, slowly getting better. I'm with you - my memory wasn't that great to start with either!!!

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