Monday, July 08, 2013

Progressing - Slow and Steady

After being SO incredibly depressed and now back on my medication, actually increasing the dosage of two of them, I'm feeling a whole lot better.  It's not been that long, I suppose two weeks since I ran out of Lamictal because I was an idiot.

I guess that proves I truly do have a chemical imbalance, not that I wasn't already sure of it.  And that I am taking the right medications.  There are countless times I have tried numerous medications and had to stop because they had horrible side effects or made me eat everything in the house (which is a horrible side effect as well) or sometimes just didn't work.  I know not everyone falls into a deep depression and comes out so quickly trying different medications - I certainly didn't when I was suicidal and ended up in the pysch ward in 2001.  I had tried several prior to checking myself in.

But the first night I was there, as much as I hated being there, as awful of a place as it was, there was some relief, a big weight off of my shoulders that I didn't have to go to work the next morning.  That was big source of stress for me at that time.  And I wonder...with my therapist and psychiatrist telling me I could not start school this quarter, how much of that has helped my progress mentally by lifting that stress off my shoulders as well?  Yes, I was devastated at first, that in itself caused me to break down for several days, but I had felt so incredibly overwhelmed about starting school on the 9th which would have been tomorrow, even before I ran out of Lamictal.  I had kept putting off enrolling until I had very little time before school started and the admissions counselor was really hassling me. 

Yes, I now I have to wait until September, but I can work on so many things to prepare for school now in these months every week with my therapist.  I can go online where I'm not constantly comparing myself against other people - I am SO COMPETITIVE!  I am constantly looking around to see how well I am doing compared to people around me, and in other courses, I was usually the best, got the highest grade, it was very important to me.  I have dropped classes because I simply wasn't getting the highest grade. 

In what I'm doing now, that is not the case, and it is really hard on me but I *thought* that was a good thing for me, to learn that I didn't have to be the best, to learn to be....mediocre, and that would be okay?  That could be enough?  Actually I don't know, I really don't know.  I haven't been in intensive therapy since my 20's and my therapist does not think it is good for me to be in a room where I am not concentrating completely on my work, but on how I am doing against other people.  I guess she wants to work on putting so much pressure on myself, being too hard on myself.  So weird, I still feel like I am way too lazy, I am not pushing hard enough, do not put nearly enough pressure on myself, do not do anything good enough, how can she not see that?  But even then, I guess I am comparing myself once again, to my husband.  Yes, I was already this way before I met him, but he is a constant 24-hour reminder that I simply "am not enough".  He pushes himself to the extreme, in everything he does.  If he decides to do something, he does it.  He doesn't let himself fail, no matter what.  It's actually quite amazing.  How can I ever live up to that?  Never call in sick when mentally, I *am* sick?  I watch him and feel so inferior, how does he do what he does, every day, all the time?  I'm not saying he's happy, not at all.  Just that...I rarely see him fail, he pushes himself to the limit in everything he does, he's never satisfied with mediocre or anything about his performance and pushes harder at everything he does, and that is very hard to live up to.  Even running, I can't possibly ever be as good of a runner as he is.  I mean it's just everything, he is so much more dedicated than I am!  How can I ever do that?  How could it not be possible to feel inferior all the time when you live with someone like that?  The *only* thing I can think of where I excel and it is his weakness is that he is an introvert where I am an extrovert.  I pick up the slack in that department, but that's not pushing yourself in anything.  That's just starting a conversation or being a social butterfly at a party.  It's something that comes natural or doesn't, but yes, in that area, to be good at it, he would have to push himself, where I just do it because it seems polite and am interested in people, usually, not always, and don't think about it.  But that's not anything special, not like working to achieve something.  It's just talking to people.  Wow, big deal, I'm sure that deserves a gold star.

So...three months of "working to get myself better".  I feel pretty good right now.  I've run twice, last time the whole 30 minutes that I've limited myself to, which normally is so slacking for me but after the hysterectomy, I am not trying to be so critical of my running abilities.  I just need to walk out the door and do it, just making myself do any running at this point is a success.  I've got to get back in any type of rhythm!

I go to my psychiatrist tomorrow after last week and not being able to read the piece of paper with the new dosages in front of her that she had written on a piece of paper.  I look at that piece of paper NOW, and wonder why in the world was that so confusing?  How did I not understand that?  No wonder she wanted to see me in a week to make sure I was taking the correct dosage and see how I was doing!  My therapist is on vacation this week and is coming back Thursday, had planned on spending Friday at home resting, yet she scheduled me for an appointment that morning.  I mean, what the what?  I am OKAY, yet, I know if I read back in my blog to a week ago when I was seeing them, no, I was NOT okay.  Combine that with people probably freaking out about my family's history of suicide, perhaps they are being overly cautious.  At least my new psychiatrist isn't trying to medicate me into a zombie like my other one did in the beginning, and for about ten years.  At least not yet. 

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