I guess I'm getting better, mainly I feel like I'm drifting through life right now, not doing much.  I don't think I'm depressed, I just really don't care about anything.  I'm not emotionless, just unmotivated to the point that I can't even care enough to get motivated.  Yes, I *want* to be motivated to do things, but what am I doing to get that way?  I'm taking my new prescription Prestiq like I am supposed to, but I even cancelled my therapy appointment yesterday.  I slept most of the day, even had a chocolate shake because, like I said, I'm unmotivated, I suppose even to stay thin? and just could not find the energy to drag myself into therapy.  I could not imagine what I would have to talk about. 

The last time I went, the time seemed to stretch on forever!  My therapist had just gotten back from vacation the night before and was very tired, rightfully so, and it was early in the morning and she was trying to stifle yawns, not very successfully.  There would be moments of silence where I had nothing to say and I'm guessing she did not know what to say to me or ask me.  I kept thinking how boring it was and wondering when it be over!  She does always leave me with a bit of insight, however.  We were talking about my memory and she was saying she thought it was my medication and gave a great analogy about my psychiatrist, how she was the "master baker".  Like a cake, my psychiatrist was trying to find the perfect amount of ingredients and I am the "test cake", so to speak, and I have to keep going back often until she finds just the right ingredients, meaning amount of each medication I take, and maybe what I take as well.  So I guess my psychiatrist, when I go, is "tasting the cake" to see if she has it just right yet and if not, what she needs to change.  I just want some cake. : )

So yes, my days are probably pretty boring, but everything still overwhelms me pretty much.  Mark has been asking me what do I want for my birthday, where do I want to go, have I made reservations there or should he, etc. etc.  Even that was too much pressure.  I finally told him to just surprise me - pick out a restaurant and make a reservation and we would go there.  I am usually the one to plan everything about birthdays, even my own, at least when it comes to dinner.  This year?  The thought of making sure it is happy and pleasant and special is just too much.  Just whatever, you know?  Get on with it, someone just take care of it and let it happen, or we can just sit home on the couch and I'll order Chinese.  That sounds very low stress and no pressure to me.  Not that I don't want to go out - picking out an outfit or going to buy a new one is within my capabilities.  I *think*.  I broke my running watch, never sent it in for free repairs.  I dropped my laptop, still haven't sent it in for free repairs.  Do I just not have enough time?  OF COURSE I DO!  I'm home all day every day!

I wish there was someone who just "got me".  I wish I would meet someone who understood me, if I explained myself they had felt everything I have ever felt before, they would just completely understand and maybe even be able to explain things to me as I could to them as well.  But this is a very lonely disease.  People don't understand what I mean about "feeling too much".  They only know what they know, and I get that.  You don't know what you don't know, which is true for me as well, I don't know what I don't know or haven't felt.  I don't know everything either.  But I just wish I could find a kindred spirit.  I think that is asking too much though and feeling lonely, no matter how many friends or people I know, will always be a part of me. 


EJ B said...

Your post hit me square between the eyes! I am feeling in a really far off place myself as I work with my Pdoc on the cocktail (currently 10 meds, yeah yikes) to get it right. Nothing seems to shake the blues and make me feel any different. I just feel indifferent to everything. Each time I get put on a new med he wants to know how is working and I just don't seem to be able to say anything; is it just because I just don't seem care? I feel generally emotionally lifeless. I'm scared to be happy because that might mean manic is just around the corner! Thanks for sharing. Just wanted to tell you your not alone.

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks EJB - glad to know I'm not alone! And also glad to know you are able to make it to your pdoc - I have now cancelled my therapist appointment and my pdoc appointment this week. UGH. But yes, exactly what you said! "How is it working?" I feel like...I don't know, am I supposed to care about anything, anything at all? I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing, absolutely nothing. 10 meds is a heck of a lot, but that was me at one point and even now, I'm not far behind you! : )

Insensitive said...

You are not alone. I felt the same for half my life. It was the worst from ages 23 to 28. I am so much better now, but will never forget how it felt... and sometimes I still feel it... but I somehow "shake it off." I wish everyone was able to just shake it off. I wish everyone who felt these feelings could just... just feel better... I also wish everyone else who thinks we CAN just shake it off would just shake themselves! My father always told me "just do it. just suck it up." He never understood until he saw the actual fear in my eyes when he tried to make me face one of my anxieities... now, even though I am doing much better, he is still very cautious to not be pushy with anything. I hope you find peace in knowing that you are not alone my dear. It is a very lonely disease, yes, but that doesn't mean you are completely alone

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Insensitive - you do not seem insensitive to me! : ) Agree, I wish people would understand we can't just "shake it off", do something to motivate ourselves, that it is somehow a character flaw! Ugh! By they way, I used to think what you did, no one read my blog, but now I think maybe some do, like yourself. I'm going to sit down and read some of your entries when I get a chance, it looks very intriguing! :)

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