A Lot to Deal With, But I Should Probably Count My Blessings

One of my weird symptoms is back, although people can be complete klutz's sometimes; however, everyone knows what is "normal" for them. 

I fell again, in the same weird way.  My feet just came up from under me and I landed on my elbow I think (because it really hurts) on the hard wood floor and started yelling in pain.  I chalked it up to the maids just coming that day so maybe the floors were slippery, no clue.  But the next day I stubbed my pinkie toe so bad that it was bleeding from the toenail and still really hurts. Great, my race is Sunday with a painful pinkie toe.

On their own, big deal, so I was a bit klutzy.  But I was doing this A LOT not that long ago, and it is so weird to just fall with your feet coming out from under you and land backwards without tripping on anything.

No, I'm not concerned I have something majorly wrong with me, but as you age do you keep doing more and more stupid stuff?  Is that why there is that whole "Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!" commercial?  I don't FEEL old, I don't ACT old, yet suddenly my body is screaming "I am old!" I feel like.

So Mark has been having a really tough time at work for awhile, I don't know if I've even mentioned it in my blog.  He hates when I talk about him here and is more concerned than I am that my blog will get discovered by someone that we know.  But yes, he is so incredibly busy and stressed.  He's been working 12 hour days, coming home and then may be on conference calls for the rest of the evening just to get woken up in the middle of the night by people calling him.  He works all day on the weekends, but at least he can work from home and be on conference calls.  But he has to be ready to join a call in a moment's notice, and I've seen what happens if he does not dial in on the dot.  It's really way to much to go into, but if this deadline is not met, I'm sure there will be people who will pay the price, including the highest of executives.  One of them even told him the success or failure of this project was in his hands.  That's a lot of weight on your shoulders.

Okay, that's the backstory.  So he wants to finish this project and quit.  He can't actually leave until the first of the year because he signed a contract with his company when they moved us that he would be with them for a year or we would have to pay them back. 

He told me last night he had begun looking at jobs, then said he had been looking in Texas.  IN TEXAS?  I just got the frick out of there and do NOT want to go back!  I would be so unhappy if we moved back there, those people are not like me, I'm not like them and it is so incredibly wonderful to be around Midwesterners again, but he hates it here, even hates the people here (except for his friends, I'm sure).  But I adore the people here, they are SO much nicer and it feels so comforting to be around people who have similar values to myself, unlike Texas.

So my not just jumping for joy upset HIM.  I guess he felt like I was trying to keep him trapped in a job where he is so miserable.  I'm not, but you know, I've been through a FREAKING LOT this past year, and moving again does NOT appeal to me one bit.  And I really love our house, our neighborhood with the running trail, the weather (except for the horrible winters), I don't even know if I am emotionally capable of going through that again.  It actually crossed my mind to let him find a job in Texas with him thinking I am okay with it, then I will just inform him I am not going to move, to just go on without me because I can not do this again, but that may add even more stress than moving.  He then probably wouldn't take the job and be bitter at me for the rest of our lives.  My little family unit is my whole world, I can't imagine what I would do without them (I'm including my dog in my family unit) : ).   

Moving to a new state, hysterectomy, medication issues, now possible thyroid problems, and this is just the end of August with four more months to go in the year.  My therapist told me no stress, just concentrate on getting better, but seriously, is she kidding me?  That's all I get all the time!  Does anyone think that Mark's being so very stressed about his job day after day does not stress ME out as well?  No, not feeling sorry for MYSELF over this. HE has to work all the time with incredible pressure. HE is the one suffering, not me, but of course, I worry about him all the time and am constantly trying to think of ways to make his life easier, at least when he gets home.  I don't always tell him things that are bothering me because he has way too much on his plate and I don't think *he* is emotionally capable right now of dealing with anything more.  I know if it were me, I wouldn't be able to.  I wouldn't be able to do what he is now doing.  That is WAY too overwhelming and I have no doubt I would be in the psych ward by now.

UNLESS.  Unless I'm not actually bipolar, I have hypothyroidism which can mimic bipolar disorder and have had it for a long time and gone undiagnosed.  Of course my family doctor did not tell me that, but after checking online for the symptoms, I realized he did not ask me about any of the emotional symptoms because, of course, he already knows I have those, he knows I see a psychiatrist, he knows I take medication, he knows I am bipolar.  He didn't need to ask me if I had those symptoms because he already knows I do. 

So I've been wondering...if I am actually diagnosed with this, what should I do?  Would anyone even tell me I should try to go off my psychiatric medications and see how I feel?  I don't know, I honestly don't.  I'm sure no doctor wants any sort of wrongful death lawsuit if I committed suicide, or did anything else irrational.  But it is very common to be misdiagnosed as being bipolar if you have a thyroid problem, hypothyroidism causes depression, hyperthyroidism causes mania, I THINK, haven't done much research into it.  It's like all of the symptoms are complete opposites.  The same things are effected, just in opposite ways.  I'm constipated, but people with hyperthyroidism get diarrhea - just an example.

But I don't know that I have this yet, it is simply a theory and I am getting WAY ahead of myself.  The only thing to do, the only thing there ALWAYS is to do, is simply wait.

2 comments:

Bluchick said...

I'm glad you posted about this, I'm actually going through kinda the same thing when it comes to hypothyroidism and depression. Hoping for the best, whatever that may be!

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks Blu - you're but through something similar? Is it freaking confusing to you? I don't know what symptom is related to what, what I am anymore, but I haven't had the blood test yet so I'm in limbo. Glad to know there's someone else like me out there. : )

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