Last week I FORCED myself to keep my rescheduled appointments. For my dog, I threw on some clothes without showering that morning, and picked him up the same exact way several hours later. I think I went to see the psychiatrist without makeup. I was better with the therapist - actually early, dressed neatly with makeup.
I explained my situation to my psychiatrist - that I didn't FEEL depressed, I just had no motivation to do anything. She disagreed, she said that WAS depression, that I didn't have to be crying all the time or feel sad for it to be depression.
So, she doubled my Pristiq, and I must admit, I do feel better! It will be a week tomorrow. I had started running and then stopped for almost a week, but started back up again and have stayed on track. I'm now up to a slow five miles or a quicker two miles. My goal is to be able to run a 10k in under 60 minutes. In case anyone is wondering, that's less than a 10 minute mile. My goal has always been to run a 10 minute mile, and do less than that for a 10k would be awesome! We shall see! Now for THAT, I'm quite motivated at the moment!
A few days after I had doubled the Pristiq, I realized all of a sudden that I had been laughing at things and it felt really, really good. I actually felt joy and it seemed different, as if I hadn't felt it in awhile, yet...I didn't even realize it had been missing. I'm sure I had laughed in the last month or two but I hadn't felt like that, not happiness, if even for a few minutes when you just forget about everything and laugh when something is funny, does that make sense?
My birthday was last Friday, and the Pristiq had kicked in before then. I had told my husband awhile back I was going to buy a new dress and shoes for dinner on my birthday, but when I was unmotivated, I decided any one of my dresses I already had would be okay, I didn't want to be bothered with it.
But the day before my birthday, I had the energy to go shopping! After trying on several dresses on what I decided was a "fat day", I finally chose ANOTHER little black dress (you can wear that for just about any occasion I can think of, so how in the world could you ever have too many?), but I also got, for ME, some racy heels.
I was really excited about my shoes for some reason. When my husband got home and I showed him, he LOVED them, they really are quite sexy, but he said "you've NEVER owned anything like that before. What has Pristiq done to my wife?" Ha, I know! I even told the lady at Ann Taylor I wanted them because I had never in my life owned a pair of shoes like that. See...that is how racy I am *not*. When the raciest pair of heels I own is from ANN TAYLOR!
I had gone for a run on the morning of my birthday and did not use my emergency inhaler before I left, which I don't always do, and got super, super lightheaded. No matter how slow and long I walked to recover, it did not go away and I had to call my husband to come and get me. Luckily he had taken the day off for my birthday. I used the inhaler as soon as I got home and those are NO JOKE! It is not called "emergency" without a reason - it really does work instantly! People who joke that they are allergic to exercise really shouldn't joke about it. There are people who actually *are* "allergic" to exercise and have to do all sorts of things so they are able to do it.
When I got home, I saw he had decorated the house while I was running! There was the coolest birthday banner with these dangling things strewn in the sunroom with a present, cards, and TIARA! I was the birthday princess! : ) He gave me the Garmin watch I'd been wanting since my running watch had broken, we spent the day together then he surprised me with his restaurant choice in Chicago that night. It was really a great day.
I did want to write about something because it really, really concerned me and I ended up taking up most of my psychiatrist visit talking about it, asking my doctor questions about it to understand. My husband told me about a former employee at work that had sued the company. He had been seeing a psychiatrist and somehow the company had access to his psychiatric records and used it against him. He only told me to caution me about what I said because it shocked *him* what the lawyers were able to find out. Does that scare the bejesus out of ANYONE ELSE besides me???
She told me the only way the company could have had access to his psychiatric records is if the former employee had signed something giving access to them. For instance, if he said the way he was being treated forced him to get help psychiatrically and to prove it, he allowed access to his psychiatric records thinking it would help his case. I mean I questioned her about it one way up and down another until I felt satisfied that someone was not going to get access to my records without my knowledge or consent. How in the world could I be honest? That includes my therapist as well, but I didn't talk to her about it the next day. My psychiatrist answered my question for me.
I want to start school in October but received an alarming letter the other day. My last school said (incorrectly) that I owe them $3k and until I pay they have frozen my transcripts. I need to call them but I seriously don't want any stress right now. THAT overwhelms me, so SO overwhelms me but it is something I have to do soon because if I can't resolve it with them, I will have to hire an attorney, and who knows how long THAT process will take!
So...it will be a week tomorrow that I will have been taking the doubled Pristiq (100mg). Not 100% yet, but better, so there is hope. : )