Med Nightmare!

I just went through what someone who depends on medication would consider their worst nightmare!

I really have no idea what is going on.  My doctor increased my Latuda but the pharmacy wouldn't fill it, they kept saying it was too early but it was a different dosage and I received 3-4 letters from them telling me so.  Then Pristiq - they seemingly never got the prescription.  WORST NIGHTMARE - RUNNING OUT OF MEDICATION when you you KNOW there are horrible withdrawal symptoms!

So yesterday I was out, completely out of samples, nothing was on the way to me (my insurance requires me to use mail order), and I kept calling and calling my psychiatrist office to get more samples.  FINALLY towards the end of the day they told me to come in and pick them up, but it was too late.  I see now that the withdrawal symptoms of Pristiq are similar to Effexor withdrawal symptoms, and it does not take long at all of being off of it to start feeling like complete shit.  I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for the samples, willing my head to stop spinning and praying I wouldn't throw up.  When I got them, I took the medication by the water fountain, then had to face the horrible drive home feeling that way.

The Latuda - I figured out what that was all about.  Latuda is a very expensive medication.  For 3 months, which is how I get my medication, it is over $1500.  So my psychiatrist INCREASED the Latuda, from one pill to one and half pills per day, and I think the insurance company flipped out.  For weeks, without my knowledge and me just thinking everyone was ignoring me, my psychiatrist was making a case to my insurance company, providing some kind of documentation per the letter I got that showed I needed the medication (I wonder what she said?  That I'm certifiably crazy?) and the insurance company said they had reviewed her request and approved it.  I have a bit left and it is now on the way.

But this frustrates me!  It wants me to throw it all away and not be dependent on drugs, not have to worry if I have what I need, panic if I am running out and don't know how to get what I need.  I don't like feeling dependent on a psychiatrist not only to be what society deems as "normal" but not to get terribly, terribly sick if I do not get what my body is physically addicted to.  Okay, it's not just to be what society deems as normal, but the main reason I take all of this crap is really to stay alive, my depression is so dark, so deep, I don't think I would survive without it.

I've been running a lot and many days, I guess because my runs have been pretty intense, those days I am completely drained of energy.  Last week I had a counseling appointment and did not forget it, but I fell asleep and did not wake up until my counseling appointment would have started.  Her call actually woke me up, but I had been dead asleep and didn't answer the phone, even though I saw who it was.  I may have just gone back to sleep.

That was Thursday I think.  So Friday she called me again, herself, maybe even twice.  I didn't answer or listen to the messages, I had no idea what to say.  I fell asleep?  That sounds so lame.  But...I just missed an appointment, why is my therapist freaking out over it?  Anyone else that goes to a therapist, if you miss an appointment, does your therapist freak out and call you and call you until you answer?

No calls from her over the weekend, but sure enough, Monday came around and she called AGAIN.  This time I answered and she asked if I was okay and said she just wanted to know that I was okay after missing my appointment.  Uh...what in the WORLD have I told her to make her worry so much about me?  Mark has a therapist and I don't think she would call everyday until she heard his voice, but then again, I can't imagine him ever having an appointment and just missing it without calling well in advance.  He's very structured, dependable, we are so opposite!

So what was she so worried about?  I was in a car accident?  I ran away and was living on the streets?  Or that I had committed suicide or had attempted and was in the psych ward?  It makes me wonder what patients she has, my psychiatrist sent me to her.  What in the hell have I SAID to her?  Or is the fact that people with bipolar disorder have a high rate of suicide concerning?  Maybe I should ask, but if it was suicide, I don't think she would say that.

I'm more optimistic, but in bed a lot.  Not sure why - I keep thinking it is from the energy being drained from running but I have no idea and do not want to quit running.  I'm really enjoying it.  On the days I do not run, I am still lazy around the house and may still lay in bed, although not as much.

I've been making my own "recovery smoothies" after I run thinking I need to recover from my runs and maybe it is helping, I don't know, but they are good for me anyway so I'm going to continue.  I've been really, really cold in the house lately and have no idea why.  Maybe the more I run I'm losing body fat and it's not keeping me as warm.  These are all wild guesses about everything.

My therapist was very gracious and scheduled me for an appointment on Wednesday even though I've missed two now.  I offered to pay for the one I missed but she refused.  The thing is, I have no idea what to talk about in therapy.  I just feel like she thinks my issues are all chemical, and maybe they are, so why talk about anything else.  I think she is just concerned about getting me well in the present, not even touching anything in the past right now.  Perhaps she thinks I am not at a point to even deal with anything properly, not capable.  Honestly, I do not know.

I've had this really, really big issue with people lately - wanting people to be genuine and so sad that so many people, the majority of people I know, just simply aren't.  Most people put up these fake facades, you see only what they want you to see, some fake life that doesn't really exist.  I want a real CONNECTION to people, I'm not in my 20's anymore.  It's not all about liking the same music and wanting to go to the same clubs and party.  Maybe some people are okay with people who are not genuine, but I'm not.  I want absolutely nothing to do with them.  There's a song by Billy Joel that I always thought he was talking about finding a lover, and maybe he is, but I also feel the same way about everyone.  I just want someone to be HONEST with me, and that is so very hard to find.  To be real, to show who they are, not fake.  Genuine.  I listened to this song for this reason and have no idea what led me to it and cried for at least an hour.  I tried to explain to Mark what I was feeling but like so many things, he just didn't understand.

Why does it seem like there is no one who understands me a lot of the time?  Am I really so weird?


Lorei said...

Wow, finally I've found a blog that feels like.... well.. genuine. :) Here in Sweden it seems like there is none. Maybe there is, but I haven't found one. Since I got my diagnose pretty recently, it really helps knowing there are others out there feeling/struggling/living this.
So... you're on my rss now. :)

KansasSunflower said...

Thanks, Lorei! Yes, it is very genuine, people being genuine is incredibly important to me!'s painfully, painfully honest. I can't think about people reading it when I'm writing! Glad to know I'm on your rss. :) Cheers to girls like us!!!

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