OMG, Hypomanic, But Why Is It So Wrong?

So strange, but I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  How many times has this happened to me now?  More than I can possibly count.

Mark and I had a 2.5 hour drive to pick up his "toy" he recently bought and had it modified mechanically and a very unique paint job.  It turned out above his expectations I think, which are incredibly high, *especially* for cars, I would describe as obsessive even.  I'm convinced he has OCD, which he doesn't deny, when it comes to details and could be a blog post by itself.  Just like I say it's hard to live with someone with bipolar disorder or depression, it's also difficult to live with someone with OCD who, from a list of symptoms of adult autism, has every single trait.  But I'm not a psychiatrist and am in no position to diagnose him.  I've also been convinced at different times that he was a narcissist, a sociopath and a psychopath.  So I'm not good at playing p-doc. : )

See -there I go AGAIN! ALREADY off topic!  I could go back and delete all of that, but I'm not going to, it proves a point.  I know what I am right now and I keep trying to rationalize it, I don't want to believe it, I tell myself that some other "normal" people act like I am now and it's not weird.  But that doesn't matter if it is true, it's not normal for *me. 

Pretty sure I'm hypomanic.  Here's the point where I want to start to list symptoms I see in myself right now and then argue against it, but I won't. 

Mark and I drove to pick up his car together.  I talked the whole way which isn't so unusual for me, I'm a talker and one of those people who doesn't enjoy silence unless listening to a great song.  But it was the *way* I was talking.  The thoughts were coming so fast, so random, I could hardly get one thing out before I had something else to say on a topic completely different from what I was just talking about.  I believe it's called "pressured speech".  Mark made a comment that I was being SO INTENSE, and I just told him that was ME.  I really loved things or I didn't, I really liked someone or I really didn't.  No in-betweens, so of course, to me, that simply meant I am passionate.  Maybe that's true, who knows, but the thing is, he was trying to tell me I wasn't acting like myself.  Well, and also that I was overwhelming him without saying those exact words. 

Everything was SO this and SO that.  We had dinner in the small town after we picked up his car and headed for home in our separate vehicles, and everything was good, but they had these little chocolate covered caramels sprinkled with sea salt that they brought with our coffee at the end, which is also unlike me.  I *never* drink coffee at the end of a meal at a restaurant. 

So, these little caramels covered in chocolate, they were just out of this world.  It's not like I ate a lot of them, just one and a half and they were pretty small, but they were the BEST I ever had.  They really were very good, surprisingly and strangely good that they came from a restaurant in a small town.  I had to ask ALL about them, let everyone know exactly how awesome they were.  Found out they had their own pastry chef who made them on site, even found out she was a young female.  When the owner who came to our table and was so, so nice asked how everything was, of COURSE I had to rave about these little chocolates.  She said I should take some home with me but I shouldn't have even eaten the ones I did.  I told her she needed some kind of online service where I could order them and have them shipped to me.  My idea was that they would make awesome gifts - the best chocolate caramels I'd ever had IN MY LIFE?  Why wouldn't that be a great idea? 

I guess I charmed her because when do you ever leave a restaurant and the owner insists you take their card, and also pulls out her personal business card with her name on it?  I clearly charmed her, but that's another symptom as well.  People LOVE when I am like this.  Who wouldn't want someone to rave about them right to them?  I loved the girls ring and told her so at the body shop, I mean it was just like that all day, but think about it.  Who doesn't love to be complemented, told they are so incredibly special for whatever reason with such enthusiasm?  I got to hear her whole relationship story then - over 8 years worth, the ups and downs.  And of course I told her I related to it ALL because I felt like I did at the time which just prolonged the conversation.  Now that I'm thinking about it, I can't relate to much of what she said AT ALL.  My husband and I didn't wait to get married until after we had kids and they started asking questions about why we have different last names.  But see what I mean?  Whatever it was I was doing had people telling me personal stories about themselves.  Yet...it was a small Midwestern town and people are just friendly like that.

And that is just ANOTHER thing.  I decided I was so incredibly charmed by Midwesterners yesterday.  In the suburbs, especially the one we live in because people who live in Chicago are a bit more hardened - they still seem so very nice to me, just not AS nice in comparison. The young people in my suburb seem to be incredibly wholesome, awesome attitudes, great values and so very, very sweet.  I told my husband it was like I wanted to shelter them so they never became hardened, never have a chance to lose that special quality about them that they didn't realize they had.  They remind me of myself at that age - small town girl in Kansas, also the Midwest.  Yes, they are really wholesome and sweet, but I really feel so passionate that it crossed my mind that I wished I could shelter them from becoming hardened?  That's a bit over the top about how intense I felt about it.

Our drive took us through a lot of small towns and we saw some abandoned houses along the way.  I wanted to stop here, there, everywhere, everything was so unbelievably interesting to me.  I even suggested we take the time to stop at abandoned houses and walk through them, thinking about how much fun that would be.  I still think it would be fun, but uh, probably not the greatest idea especially when you have an appointment.  

It seems like I could go on and on thinking of symptoms that are, as my husband described, "intense".  WHY does it have to be wrong that when you are experiencing the world, it is exciting and you want to tell people what is so special about them or what you have enjoyed?  But it is, I know it is.  Because as fun as it is right now, I will crash and it will be just as not-fun soon. 

There is a song that I wish, when I met people, I could say "listen to this song, every word, and then decide if this is something you can deal with" before we proceed into a friendship. Yes, I could try and TELL them, but writing about it or a song just seems to work so much better.

I suppose I should not put off my psychiatrist visit any longer.  Better reschedule that visit.  But I really want to tell her that I'm doing FINE right now, I'm better, not depressed, nothing is wrong with me.  If I tell her something is, then she will try to bring me DOWN.  I don't WANT medication that brings me down.  Seriously, who would and that seems really stupid.  I just want medication that prevents depression.  I seriously don't know if I can tell her I believe I may be hypo, but she is a psychiatrist, trained in these things, unless there are symptoms people do NOT want to have, she would have to be trained to look for them when she sees them.  Since I know what the symptoms are, I believe I could disguise them, but I could I really?  Could I really resist telling her I just love THIS about what she is wearing, and THAT in her office, or whatever?  But...why does that have to be bad?

Here is the song I want to share with people that I meet, ask them if they would like to proceed with a friendship, would they be able to handle this?  I just watched it again and thought wow, I miss Ray Ban Wayfarers, I should buy a pair.  Ha!  Even I realize that is not using good judgment at the moment, but yet, and here I go again, they are SO incredibly awesome! : )



I Go To Extremes - Billy Joel

Songwriters: JOEL, BILLY
Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low, there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall, it's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

 Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low, there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

And if I stand or I fall, it's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
No, I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low, there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why
Out in the dark, into the light

Either I'm wrong, perfectly right
I don't know why

8 comments:

Kristy said...

You sound hypomanic . If it doesn't cause you problems roll with it. Hypomania goes into a nasty mania for me. Nasty mania = months of crazy then months of depression. But enjoy the good while you can and try like hell to get anything done that needs it. It sounds like your meds are all over the place. You sounded more normal in Texas. Do you think that maybe the move,school,surgery etc has made your mood unstable? But at the same time I would if I lived in the same town say lets hit the town or at least go for a small run. It is truly impressive what you have been doing with your running.

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy - I think you are 100% totally correct and perceptive. I've had a lot that's happened in a short amount of time and never consider it. My therapist has brought it up several times. I'd LOVE to hear about your "crazy manias", those are always the most awesome stories to me! Maybe some people think "wow.." when they hear manic stories, but I always laugh because I know how it is doing crazy things and thinking it is so normal, remembering the rationale behind it at the time. : ) Mine can get a bit nasty as well - very, very irritated, but that's about it. Hypo is happy or irritated for me. I like your idea about why not just go with it. No one ever gives me that permission, thanks. : ) And thanks about the running - it's not actually that impressive. To me, the most impressive thing about it is just walking out the door to do it! Seriously!

Kristy said...

Read my blog lately it is insane of to date. I do remember reading your blog long ago when you started the couch to 5k. I used to be a runner. Really , cant call myself one when it takes me 20 minutes now to do a mile. I did at one time do a 7 minute mile. I got off my lazy ass today and actually managed my first run in a year after a achilles tendon injury to run up all hills and average about 4 miles an hour up to 6 miles an hour going down the hills coming back. The biggest thing with me is getting back to controlling my breathing and stepping up the mind game. The mind game is the biggest. Also, never take a huge break from running because you do at some extent have to retrain. It is great for my anxiety and after I read your blog today said what the hell I need to start again and not worry about re-injury. It really is impressive that you are exercising with the torment your in and the roller coaster your on. You need to give yourself a break about being so hard on yourself.

KansasSunflower said...

Kristy, just read your last entry -so sorry you are feeling that way! Nothing funny about that AT ALL, but I left a comment for you there. : ) I also found your followers section so I can keep up now! That is awesome that you used to run that fast! Wow! Tendon injuries are PAINFUL, I wonder why runners don't get treated when they need to, not that you didn't, I just know many who don't. If it were me, I wouldn't want to take the time off running and push through, is that what you did? I think that is so, so common! : ) Thanks for the great running advice! I am a sponge!! Major thumbs up for you for going out and running! It doesn't matter how fast your pace is, if you are running, you are a runner, and everybody sitting on the couch who does nothing wish they had your willpower. : ) That's why for me, if I can just walk out the door to run, I've already won. : )

lynn said...

Did you get the results from your thyroid test yet? If you read up on it some doctors still use the old definition of normal for TSH (below 5) when the new thinking is below 2.5 or so.

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn - no. I don't actually GET the blood test until Wednesday. My family doctor is a newer doctor - he was chief resident, finished in 2011 and is already mentoring new medical students in his office so I really hope he would know the "new thinking" that you are talking about! If he does not, I do not exactly know how to argue with him. Perhaps an endocrinologist would be the next step if it is indeed the range that you say it is that is not acceptable? But oh my gosh I am really starting to loathe specialists. It seems like they all think that no matter the problem, it is THEIR problem to fix. Thanks again, you're awesome!

lynn said...

Probably if he is a newer doctor you should be good, also something to keep in mind is that different people feel better at different levels. I know you must be sick of medication but sometimes you have to adjust thyroid medication until it's optimal. I started out at a low dose and have increased it, but have had the same dose for awhile now.

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn- as long as I can be "fixed", I'm okay with another pill, but let's keep it at just ONE! : ) The closer I get to getting my blood test on Wednesday, the less faith I have that anyone will know what is wrong me. Maybe NOTHING is and I'm just complaining over things that everyone else puts up with. :( But this isn't EVEN the reason I went to see him!

Back to Top