Still Tired, But Better

I feel better but I am still sleeping a lot, have no energy most of the time and am in bed, sleeping or not, a lot as well.  It's not that I'm trying to escape anything, I am literally physically drained.  It's worse so on days that I run, which is 4 days out of the week.  I have actually gotten home from running, made a protein smoothie and been so tired I couldn't even shower first and gotten into bed with my running clothes still on and fallen asleep for a few hours.  Yes, incredibly gross to get into bed under the covers after running before you shower, I realize this and am grossed out by it too, but am simply exhausted.  Running used to give me SO MUCH ENERGY!  It *could* still be from my hysterectomy - if you do too much, it completely drains your energy to try and heal you.  That was on April 19th though; however, I did read a forum where women said they were still getting tired when they did too much who had their hysterectomies around the same time as me, and I know they are not doing anything nearly as intense as running.  But if I tell my psychiatrist, her field is psychiatry, she will probably relate it to that and assume she has sedated me in some way.  If I told my GYN, he will relate it to his field.  I suppose the best answer is to skip specialists and just go to my family doctor and not try to guess what he will say, which I am big on doing. 

This couple who lives near us has a little bulldog who is CRAZY about my dog and they keep letting it out or get out without being secure in their yard and she comes over and onto our deck when Bailey is outside and basically traps him.  He hates it and is pretty scared of her, he doesn't even like being in the yard now.  I had talked to her not that long ago and we were becoming friends, but the other day I looked up and the lady was on my deck AGAIN retrieving her dog, and that always makes me so mad so I went outside to get Bailey who was freaking out and I can't remember what I said.  I thought she was wanting me to leave Bailey outside so they could play or I don't know, but I know I said something like I'm taking my dog in and it must have offended her.  She had started out by saying her dog had run out the door when her husband opened it.  They always keep the blinds on the back door window open just enough so the bulldog can look outside all day, but yesterday I noticed she had bought some kind of tall plant in a pot and positioned it so her dog could not see our house, I'm assuming so he would not see when Bailey is outside.  She has always told me her dog watches for him all day and has a special bark when she sees him to let her outside.  I guess that's the end of a possible friendship, but if it means protecting my dog, fine, so be it.  It's not MY fault they can't keep their dog in their yard and of course I'm not going to appreciate it!!  They are just lucky Mark has not already gone over there to tell them off.  I had to stop him from doing it!   

Mark has been working nonstop, it is absolutely crazy.  He works 12 hour days, gets calls at night at home, then spends weekends most of the day on conference calls.  I feel really bad for him, he is totally exhausted, but at least he has a reason to be unlike myself who just lays around and am tired.  I try to help him with what little energy I have, try to make his life as much easier on him as possible, I just don't know how much I am actually helping.  He acts very appreciative but is he Why just being nice because he thinks I am "sick" right now?

My therapist told me I have been through a lot lately, I wasn't taking that into consideration.  Moving from one city to another, having a hysterectomy, my whole medication problem, all in a short period.  What is the big deal?  Wouldn't a person without a "mental illness" be able to deal with that?  She thinks those are all very emotional issues on their own.  But people GO THROUGH things and just plow through, they don't have the luxury of taking time to stop and just sit around until they "feel better".  But...the reason I am not in school right now is because both she and my psychiatrist TOLD me not to go this semester.  I didn't need the added pressure.  Why do they think I am so fragile?  Yes, I am sure if I read back in my blog I will see that I have been a TOTAL basket case.

OMG I absolutely and totally hate this disease.  You can act and feel and pretend to yourself that you are "normal", then bam, reality strikes and reminds you that maybe you're not so "normal" after all. Does my husband hate the fact that sometimes he has to carry me?  He's been so supportive, so kind about it all, but how does he REALLY feel?  It's hard for me to believe that he's just okay with everything. He excels at just about everything he does, he doesn't let anything at all stand in his way of what he wants to achieve, and he does achieve what he sets out to do.  He is the most determined person I have ever met, it's actually one of the things that really attracted me to him, but it is impossible for me to live up to the standards he has set for himself.  How can I not compare myself to him?   It makes me feel like an absolute failure and loser.

I think I am going to start school in September although I have not been given the green light from my therapist or psychiatrist yet.  They haven't given me a red light either, it just hasn't been discussed.  All that my therapist has said is that I need to meet new people, find groups where there are people that I have something in common with, that sort of thing.  She told me there ARE people like me out there, but I really question that.  Yes, I have met one since I moved her and absolutely adore her, she is one of the few people that I feel is really genuine which for some reason is so important to me right now.  I've wondered if I should find some sort of support group for people with bipolar disorder or depression, but then again, I really don't want to be constantly reminded that I have this disorder and sit around and talk about it once a week or month.  And in the psych ward 12 years ago, I did make a friend that carried over to the "outside world", but that didn't go so well.  She turned out to be pretty flakey as far as friendships go.  She was a good person, fun person, but....well, of course she had issues, we had both been in the psych ward!  But I was very determined to get better, do anything and everything I possibly could and she seemed to want to fall back into her same patterns, which was cheating on her husband.  I just couldn't agree with that, at least not to the point of doing what we needed to do to get better, I wasn't trying to judge her but I tried to stop her and that was the end of the friendship.

I received a letter from my old school telling me I owed them $3k and they were freezing my transcript until I paid it.  That made me furious and I put it out of my mind because I couldn't deal with it.  I finally got the strength to do something about it and called them and they were actually quite nice, although did not say what I wanted to hear, of course, that they had made a mistake.  I do have a paper trail however.  We'll see how this plays out.  I can still go to school in September though.  My last school already has the transcript from there and even though it is in Texas, they have online classes which my therapist already suggested I take.

Blah, seems like I write too long entries lately, but just trying to record what is going on in my head right now for future reference. 

2 comments:

lynn said...

Seriously, go to your family doctor and tell him/her how tired you've been and you'd like your thyroid function tested. It's a simple blood test and it may be contributing to your problem.

KansasSunflower said...

Yes, thanks Lynn! I know it's not normal for me to be so tired! I will make an appointment with my family doctor. : )

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