Faking a Smile with a Coffee to Go

I decided not to try not to be a "victim" anymore, It seems like I always feel that this person did this to me and that person did that to me.  I sent an email back to the girl I reached out to because I thought she was suicidal and she responded by asking me for money.  She actually wrote back and apologized, but now I have NO idea what to say to her.  I felt safe in sending that response to her because I had no idea she would respond and apologize, I thought I'd never hear from her again, and now that I have, I'm at a loss.  I don't really want to continue the relationship right now and get all involved in her apparently overwhelming emotions, yet I don't want to break ties either.  She ended her message by asking how I was, but only after I had said it was years since we had talked and after I had sent HER a message because I thought she was suicidal.  Yes, she did ask how I was doing in her response, but after I complained about it?  No, she doesn't care and that's okay with me, I said what I needed to say. And what am I going to say anyway?  Guess I shouldn't have said that to her when I have no intention of telling her and it seems dumb to say "I'm okay, thanks".

I've been doing better, actually getting bored sometimes now.  The last time I saw my counselor I told her about the recruiting offer I got, to work with my husband's friend and it would just be from home and wouldn't take much time I don't think.  She thought that was an awesome idea and also thought it would be more in line with my personality than what I've been going to school for.  That would involve virtually no socialization all day, or at least a small amount, but being a recruiter again would involve a lot of interaction with people.  For some reason she thinks I have such a pleasant personality and am good with people. Then again, isn't that kind of what I pay her to do, to to build me up?  Help me feel better about myself?  I always think people have ulterior motives because...they usually do.

For the longest time, it started when I was a teenager, I have always tried to be EXTRA nice to strangers.  Not all sugary, but I've always thought...what if someone was having a horrible day and just by being nice and smiling at them and looking in their eyes, what if that changed their day to a better one?  What if that simple interaction was the only good interaction they had gotten in awhile?  I know that sounds so ridiculous, but hasn't everyone felt that way at some point? Maybe it's dumb and people could care less, but surely people at LEAST prefer someone is polite?  I may feel like total crap and so depressed, but that doesn't mean I should not try and make other people feel better, I know I would appreciate it.  That's why I like that line in the song "Bad Day" that says, "faking a smile with a coffee to go."  Sure, sometimes it's not so genuine, but that isn't my purpose, it's not about me, at least I don't think?

My emotions have still been all over the place, but not as often and the emotions aren't nearly as intense.  That must be progress.


So Many Medication Issues....

I made a really dumb mistake.  I *thought* I was being smart by buying little pill boxes and putting morning pills in one and night time pills in the other.  The morning pills were just Prestiq, but I added a bunch of stuff like vitamins since I was taking pills anyway.

I've been waking up several times throughout the night and had NO idea why I was sleeping poorly lately.  This morning I went to take my morning pills and realized what I had been doing.  I got the pill boxes mixed up!  I don't know how long I've done it, but I've been taking the night ones in the morning and vice versa. The night ones have over the counter sleeping medication, and the day has Prestiq which you are supposed to take in the morning because I ASSUME it will keep you up if you take it at night.  Oy.

When I go to bed at night, for some reason, that is when I have always become a HUGE chatterbox to my husband.  Suddenly I think of all the things I want and need to say.  HE has been blessed with this incredible ability to, not exaggerating, lay his head on the pillow and fall asleep in 5 minutes, so it totally irritates him. He wants *no talking*!  I'm pretty sure he has said those very words to me many times.  I get "shhh" a lot, "Good night!" in the middle of a sentence, it is probably the only time he is outright rude to me and does not care.  But...such is the life of someone who is bipolar.  You lay down and your mind is in GO mode.  After 16 years of being with me, we probably go through this every single night.  Yet, I think it is good for me.  It forces me to slow my mind down (if that is possible), keep from moving too much because even when the 6 pound dog is constantly moving on the bed it annoys him and he asks if I can take of him moving so much.  Bailey and I are in the same boat.  He seems to love going to bed and comes alive as well.  He has put all of his most treasured favorite toys and bones on the bed and I have NO idea why.

My mood is just blah.  Can't say I laugh a lot, but I have not been crying which is a positive. 

But my health insurance!  Oh my gosh!  You would think that my husband working where he does and being who he is (not trying to say I'm entitled to special treatment, just, well...that any employee and their family members should be kept happy because if THEY are not happy, what does that say to other people if they complain?) they are driving me nuts with the increase of Latuda!  With the Obamacare health exchanges being available to choose 10/1, there may be people who ask me what I think of my health care coverage.  You would think I would have the BEST, but it is like pulling teeth to get Latuda.  My psychiatrist keeps increasing the dosage to now I take 80mg a day, which is $1000 a month.  Absolutely it a ridiculous price, I totally agree, but I don't WANT to take psychiatric medication, my doctor thinks this is the right one for me and the dosage, and I've been fighting with them since June!  My doctor has as well!  I don't want to get into the long boring story of all the denials, the wrong dosage sent, my doctor having to send in documentation proving I need this particular medication, it goes on and on. 

Every time I go to the psychiatrist I have been thinking I am totally losing my mind.  She tells me I, once again, have been taking the wrong dosage of this or that.  For Lamictal, I thought I was supposed to take one and a half pills each day.  She told me no, no, no, I misunderstood.  She had told me to take 2 pills a day.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't get it right!  I sent in the new prescription she gave me which had no increase and Lamictal, and lo and behold, it was two pills a day.  I looked on my old bottle that she had written a prescription for, and you know what it said?  One and half a day!  So it wasn't me after all! 

I want to THROW out all of this crap, I just can't. I want to choose my own dosages of everything, but I shouldn't alter anything until I know I am 100% stable.

One of my husband's friends wants to start a business and for me to recruit for him.  I told him I would, it would be from home of course, would give me something to do, have no idea if I would any money at all, but I take anything away from it, having recent recruiter experience on my resume would be so very helpful.  So what about school?  I don't know.  I have no idea what I'm doing right now.  Just going with everything.

Martyrdom is So Overrated

It took about two days for that awful "drugged" feeling to go away after I increased my Latuda.  I can feel again, I no longer feel numb or drugged.  I don't sleep all day.  I *suppose* I'm in a better mood, it's hard to say.  I'm just kind of blah, but I really don't have anything right now to be excited about that is happening in my life or that I'm excited about in the future.  That's not because of my mood, there just simply isn't anything there.  I'm not depressed about that, nothing exciting at the moment is better than being depressed, so much better, so just...blah. 

Even with all of my emotional ups and downs the past few months, I have been *trying* to do what I can to make my husband's life at home as stress and worry free as possible.  His job right now is SO very stressful, he works so much and then is on conference calls and sends emails all weekend long, but at least he can spend weekends at home.  Most people he works with are not as lucky to be able to do that right now.  He had said he doesn't even want to think about what he wants for dinner as I usually ask him, so now I just decide and when he is driving home he will call me and ask "So what's for dinner?"  I normally don't like it when he drinks at all (at home with no reason, socially or when we go to dinner, that's different) as he had a problem for a short time in the past, but now when he has a beer or two every night it seems like, I am really just trying not to pay attention, I do not say a word.  I do not count how many he is drinking like I normally would but I am paying attention to his behavior and he seems to be doing fine with it.  I've tried to take on all I can at home so he will have little or nothing to do, which really isn't that much, but for example - he always used to take the dry cleaning to the cleaners and pick it up.  I arranged a delivery service that comes to the house twice a week so neither of us have to worry about it.  I've tried to think of EVERYTHING.

So when he does what he did last night, it drives me insane!  It was such a little deal yet it wasn't.  It was around the normal time he goes to bed and I usually go with him, so I take over the counter sleeping pills so I will be tired at that very time.  It's way earlier than I would choose to go to bed, but I just want us to go to bed together.  So I was tired and he kept seeming like he was putting his things up (hooking things up to charge, etc.) like he was going to bed.  I asked a few times if he was going to bed and he got really annoyed with me.  I actually can't remember HOW I was saying it, if I said "when are you...", but does it really matter?  Is that a big deal?  I think I just said "Are you..".  Finally he lost his temper a bit and said "I'm going to bed at 11:30, does that help you?" in a really snappy way, kind of angry.  What the hell did *I* do?  So I just went to bed, I was tired, I wasn't going to stay up that late although I would have had I not taken that medication.

I had just gotten in bed and turned the lights out and he came in and turned the light back ON and started getting ready for bed.  I asked him why was he going to bed.  He said because *I* wanted him to in a not very pleasant way, a begrudging way.  I NEVER said that!  I never implied that!  I never asked him to!  My WHOLE deal for months now has been to make everything easier on him, not to challenge him, not to argue, he doesn't need more stress.  But that pissed me off, that he would act like a martyr, that he would say I wanted something that I didn't ask for.

So he was brushing his teeth and I just let him have it, how I had been doing everything I could to minimize his stress and make home a safe haven for him.  How DARE he act like a martyr and that he was doing something he didn't want to because I was requiring him to do it!  Walk around like life was so unfair that he had to go to bed when he didn't want to! 

I went back to bed, he laid there for awhile and got up.  I asked where he was going and he said he was getting up, he couldn't sleep.  Well DUH!  I woke up when he came to bed and yes, it was 11:30. 

Maybe it was just pent up frustration I had. Maybe I'm not doing such a good job at keeping stress out of the home as I thought.

It TOTALLY would not be a big deal right now and I TOTALLY would not even be writing about it but it really irritates me that he would act like a martyr and that he had to do something he didn't want because I required him to.  ALL THE TIME I am saying do whatever you want at home, you need to relax, don't worry about me, whatever you need, and seriously?  He is going to play that martyr card on me?  When he acts like a martyr it annoys me anyway, I really, really hate that, but right now he has no reason to act that way towards me when I require hardly anything of him.

So that's it.  My life is okay at that moment.  Okay is boring, but also better than just being okay sounds. : ) 

People Make Me Lonely

Yes, I know I already posted this morning, but sometimes I just have a lot to say!

The Latuda increase I took last night has me feeling quite drugged today.  I absolutely LOATHE this feeling, of being "zombified", but it's not like a Seroquel or Geoden zombification, much different.  My feelings are numbed and I don't like that at all, but perhaps right now that is exactly what I need.  Also, this is only day one.  I'm sure this is the most extreme I will feel it...right?

Even though my feelings are "numbed", that doesn't mean I am not going to get upset.   One of the woman's daughters whose home I moved into when I was 16, one I have not spoken of before, not the one that hates me, posted these desperate things on Facebook, even saying she had recently and seriously considered suicide.  Well of COURSE I was concerned!  I haven't talked to her in years, but that doesn't matter.  Anyone that low and is obviously reaching out for help, I am going to do my best to try and do something, anything, to help.
So I sent her a message saying so.  She responded about how broke she was and in general, how miserable her life was, but it all seemed to center on money.  Don't get me wrong, lack of money can make one very depressed.  But I did not address money in my response back to her, I directed it back to her well-being.  She again complained about money, and I didn't know how to respond and it had only been a day and I was still pondering how to respond when she sent me another message.  Here it is, exactly:

You had said yesterday that if there was anything that you could do to just ask wlell here goes. My vehicle's tags are expired and I need to get it tagged, but Ihave to title it in NC first. The whole process will cost me about 350-400 because of taxes and transferring the title. i am beyond broke is there anyway on earth that you could loan me the money so I can get my van legal, Ican then drive to see my mom.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling used?  How exactly is not having her van tagged making her suicidal?  And it's not about the money at all, but her calling it a "loan" as if she is going to pay it back is just so untrue.  I mean, I have not talked to this girl in YEARS, she hasn't asked how I am, I sent her an email years ago (because facebook keeps all of this!!) checking up on her, she responded, I replied, then nothing.  And nothing since then.  Her sister is even worse.  She is pretty clear on hating me, until she desperately needs help moving, and suddenly she is very sweet and asks me to help move her across country.  This is with a few days notice and she requested my husband's help as well to which he replied hell no, and I told her I couldn't.  So...back to not talking to me.  She was just using me.  And their mother!  I've talked about her until I could vomit, but after sending her emails asking about her well being and sometimes she replied but most of the time she did not and she never once asked how I was although I would usually be very concerned about her, I just gave up.  I invited her to Chicago, offering to pay for a rental car to and from the airport to get there, pay for her airline tickets, said I would take her to her mother's burial site in Illinois, and nothing.  She could have at least said thanks but no thanks with a reason, like I have no desire to go to Chicago. 

Are they selfish and self involved?  Or am *I* selfish and self involved for wanting them to show some iota that they care about me?  Except for the sister that hates me, I feel like I have shown them I care, yet if it is reciprocated, it is not in a way I understand or see at all.  I just can't imagine that it is there and I am not seeing it when there has been nothing that I haven't said here.

I am not so bitter any more.  I am not just cutting people out of my life in a symbolic fashion.  I feel like I have my Facebook account down to mostly people that mean something to me now.  MOSTLY, people I care about and what happens to them and vice versa, even if we don't always show it.  People that when I see their names, I get a warm feeling instead of annoyance at how ingenuine they are.  Yes, some I do still feel that way about, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about them and want to know they are okay and doing well, wish the best for them as I hope they do for me also.

So, that's it.  This is my forum, where I get things out, where when I write sometimes I figure things out that I hadn't considered until I wrote about it.  It can be better than talking to any therapist, except  sometimes a therapist WILL come out once in awhile with a great piece of insight and inspiration, as well as helpful guidance.  But...I can't just open up to them like I do here.  I don't think I will EVER feel comfortable enough with anyone to that.

Had the Dosages Wrong AGAIN!

I got my blood test results - picture of perfect health, so apparently no thyroid problem but I'm going to request a copy.  It annoyed me that the nurse called me to give me the results so I then assume my family doctor is now "done" with me because she didn't say anything about coming back in.  All of these symptoms he did find so concerning that I didn't even go to him about and he's no longer concerned or wants to find out medically why I have them?  I guess he's blowing me off because, you know, I'm "bipolar".  That's merely speculation however.

So right away I made an appointment with my psychiatrist and saw her last night.  She has these really weird hours and my appointment was after 7:00pm and strangely when I got there, the office was PACKED.  I wonder how late she takes appointments?

I found I misunderstood  how much I should be taking of each medication she told me to take last time *again*!!  She was baffled once more, explained it to me once more, and wrote it down for me...ONCE MORE.  She said my panic attacks could possibly be due to the fact that I was weaning myself off of Prestiq since I was running out of samples, and that could be true.  But she did not know that I did not have a prescription for it since she had faxed it in and I had not told her the pharmacy told me they did not have it on record, but that really is when the panic attacks started.  That hadn't occurred to me.

She asked if I was "better".  Well, compared to when I went into her office not that long ago and just cried and cried, and when I couldn't even comprehend a piece of paper and the writing on it, yes, I am better.  I can function.  But as I was driving there, I guess it was anxiety but I really thought I was going to throw up, I had no idea what I was going to say but knew how very important it was to convey to her I needed help. 

So if the anxiety is "Prestiq weaning off" related, that's simple enough.  I can now start taking what she originally prescribed and on the dosage I was feeling the happiest.  She also upped my Latuda which I was leery of - my insurance company has been freaking out over that medication.  She thinks it is because she wanted me to take one and a half tablets of Latuda because there is not one pill for the dosage she wants me to take.  *I* think it is because the medication was over $1500 for a 3 month supply, and will now be over $3000 for the same time frame.  We shall see when I send in the prescription what happens.  I wish she did it electronically like my last psychiatrist - that was SO much easier!

She is correct in the fact that she has no idea what is working and what isn't since I am not taking the dosages she wants me take.  I am doing my best, but my memory had been really, really bad.  I would think that all of her patients get confused about what she is telling them to do because she just says it in a very confusing way, but actually, I think it is me.  I have not been able to comprehend things for awhile now.  I do think my memory is better though.

My therapist called and left a message yesterday (I knew it was her but wasn't ready to talk to her just yet) to check up on me, see if I wanted to make an appointment and see if I had gotten the results of my blood test.  I had left a message not that long ago that I simply was unable to wake up for appointments and wanted to wait to be sure I could actually make it to my appointment before scheduling one again.  Right now, I think I can.  But...after increasing my medication last night, who knows?  What if it is the medication that makes me so tired? 

I do need to talk to her about school.  One school starts in October and I need to get moving if I am going to enroll.  I'm not sure if I should wait until I have this medication issue under control.  I can't predict how I will be feeling or doing day to day.  Yesterday I was starting to get bored for the first time in a long time.  Doesn't mean I really did anything, just means *I* think it is progress.

For a tiny window of time, I had a little hope that maybe, just maybe, there was something wrong with me other than a mental illness.  But no, it's true.  I am "messed up in the head".  I hear people say things like "bipolar is a SERIOUS mental illness" yet I don't feel it is so SERIOUS.  That makes it sound like I'm dangerous or out of control, someone to fear, perhaps on lockdown or something.  Perhaps I'm minimizing it, but all I know is who I am, my own experiences, I don't know anything else, so how can it seem so "SERIOUS" to me and not "normal"?  I am of no harm to ANYONE, other than myself at times I suppose.

So we shall see.  Day 1 of what I THINK, because now I don't trust myself any longer, on the correct dosage of medication my doctor has prescribed.

Midwest Suburbs, Different Definition of "Crime"

Yes, Chicago is full of violent crime.  I stopped watching the local news not long after I moved here - scared THE HELL out of me. 

The suburbs, and my suburb, because that is what I pay the most attention to?  Very laughable to me.  Even my neighbors crack me up.  The police are called when they believe what they call a "painter's van" (but from their description, I call it a "rapist's van") is driving down a street slowly.  The big "crackdown" over the Labor Day weekend was "Click It and Ticket".  Luckily, the police made sure that 81 violent offenders who were driving without a seatbelt were cited.  I feel much safer now, but yet surprised?  There were 81 people not wearing seatbelts?

The online "newspaper" reports all police activity, including names, ages, and where they live.  In other words, don't trespass and get caught or your name will be in the news. : )

Here is an ACTUAL story that was reported in the "crime report" news section recently (with city name protected):

Woman Finds Stranger in Her Car

A female victim from (my suburb) told police that she exited a Walgreens to find that there was a man sitting in her vehicle. When she confronted the subject, he apologized, stating he thought he was in his car, then left the area on foot. The subject was later identified and contacted, and he indeed have a similar make and color vehicle.

Oh my!  That IS quite the crime worthy of notifying the public of the dangers of our city!

Needless to say, I feel pretty safe walking my dog at night. : ) If I were in the south side of Chicago?  I would probably feel safer sleeping in a Metra station like I've seen homeless people do (not in South Chicago - I actually have never been there and would have a panic attack if I discovered I'd made a wrong turn and that's where I was).

To Think That Only Yesterday I Was Cheerful, Bright and Gay

I can't say I was "just fine" because I had slept for several hours this afternoon, having NO energy today.  I can always explain things away..."it was because of this", "it was because of that".  I do that for EVERYTHING I don't understand.  Mark calls them "my stories" because they can be so random about strangers, but doesn't everyone want a reason for things?

So I had just woken up, it was around 4:30p, making my second cup of coffee to get some energy, and it just hit.  I think my thoughts were in a slow dissension, pondering the reason for this and that for awhile without realizing it, I'm not sure.  But as the second cup of coffee was brewing, it hit.  A wave of depression then weeping so intensely that I had to fight myself not to collapse on the floor and put my head in my hands and just cry and cry.  I opted for putting my head in my hands on the kitchen counter, but stayed standing up crying as if someone I loved had died.  I felt so defeated.  But at least I hadn't completely given in - sitting on the hard kitchen floor which seemed so desperate to me and I did not want to sink to that level.   I guess I had *some* fight left in me?  Or maybe it was just the refusal of an action and means absolutely nothing.  Sitting, standing, what is the difference?

I suppose I could go into a litany of why I feel what I do, but does it matter?  My circumstances today are the same as they were yesterday, nothing has changed.  Nothing happened to cause that wave of depression except my train of thought on so many things in my life. 

I can't shake it now, and lately I've been getting panic attacks and have been taking klonipin for that so...I just do NOT want to pop a klonipin all the time!  If I really think I have to take klonipin just to feel "okay" all the time, well, I don't think everything is "okay". 

But what if it simply is NOT okay, realistically?  What if my life just isn't that great and it absolutely sucks with no hope of it getting better, only worse?  What if everything is a failure like I think it is?  What if all of these thoughts of things that have been said and done that I am now reanalyzing and seeing them for perhaps what they are, what I think I missed the first time, what if that is true?  It certainly seems and feels that way now.  I know I'm making absolutely no sense to anyone but myself.

It's such a lonely feeling.  A desperate feeling.  A hopeless feeling.  And of course, so very sad.  And I really should pretend to be "okay" to everyone around me and most likely I will.  I am now more than likely going to add my husband to the list of people I pretend to be "okay" with - I am tired of being the annoying squeaky wheel when there is absolutely nothing he can do, why make him listen to my whining when it is probably nonsensical to him and he has his own overwhelming stress to deal with right now?  Of course he needs to know what is going on with me otherwise he'll be wondering why I just sit around the house all the time, nothing is accomplished all day, so yes, he knows I sleep a lot, he has seen it on the weekends.  But does he also need to know I am so very sad?

I told my therapist and psychiatrist I was going to find out about my thyroid before making a new appointment because....well I couldn't even make it to my appointments!  I kept sleeping through them or was tired and I just couldn't go!  My family doctor is about five blocks away.  THAT I can manage.  But you know, for mental health care providers, they sure are awfully fine with that.  So a person with ALL of these issues and someone that they keep telling has all of these issues, can't go to school (or work), need to concentrate on "getting better", blah blah blah, keeps missing appointments then leaves messages that they won't be coming in for awhile, and...no cause for concern?  Even though I had said I had been thinking about suicide recently, not seriously of course, but I had been?

People fall through the system.  "The system". What am I even talking about?  There is NO system to fall through.  Not that I want one, I don't want anyone "telling" me what to do and forcing me to do it involuntarily.  I've always believed people should be responsible for their own mental health, to be ruthless in getting better.  I realize there are people who simply do not understand they are ill so I really mean people like myself or really just referring to myself.  I don't want to be forced. 

I don't know how long this feeling will last - maybe a moment and I will be fine, maybe it will worsen, there is absolutely no telling.  I am so very, very tired of the torture.



Identity and Medical Theft

Wow, so not feeling good.  I have not felt this amount of panic in so, so long!  Yes, my husband is probably right.  I've been very "intense" lately.  I feel very passionate about things, I guess I am being a bit extreme emotionally.  If I'm explaining or describing something to him that at that moment is incredibly important to me and I feel a certain way about it, I don't understand and am not happy if I do not get the reaction out of him that I think he should have.  I may be happy one moment, and then just a look on his face can completely deflate me.  My moods are VERY irrational right now.

I was at the store yesterday, and in the produce section, where the store begins, a woman had a little boy in the seat part of the cart, and the little girl was in the cart.  The little girl was starting to cry because she did not like it in there, and the mother said very flatly that she had asked to sit in there so she was going to have to stay there.

As I was shopping, and time went on, I heard the little girl get more and more terrified, panicked, screaming "GET ME OUT!" and crying.  It wasn't a bratty temper tantrum sort of way, I could hear and feel the horror and terror in her voice.  She was screaming it over and over and over and over, I'm certain the entire store must have heard and this went on for what seemed an eternity.  I am incredibly, incredibly claustrophobic, and as I thought about that little girl's predicament, she was in a cart and wanted out but could not get out herself, and no matter how much she cried and pleaded she was trapped, someone had put her there physically and would not release her even though she was screaming, I started having a panic attack.  But there was no where I could go!  Part of me wanted to find the mother and tell her she could very possibly be giving her daughter claustrophobia for the rest of her life - it was THAT BAD.  But then another part of me thought, wow, that little girl is really freaked out, I think she already had claustrophobia, and if so, why?  And just this feeling of being trapped and not being able to get out, it was overwhelming and all I could do was hear that girl screaming over and over, and OVER and OVER.  It's freaking me out right now thinking about it.

But I am already in a panic mode.  It's not the worst it's ever been, but I'm about to give in and take Klonipin.  It's this sort of scared feeling, a feeling of doom, a feeling like you're trapped and can't move and you want to run, you actually might run and not be able to control your body?  It's this feeling of being freaked out and absolutely not knowing what will happen and not know why, a tightness in my chest, this overwhelming feeling of wanting to flee, to protect myself.  I'm not sure of what or where would make me feel "protected" in moments like this.

When I checked the mail today, I got this horrible letter.  It was from the CEO of the health group of the hospital where I had my hysterectomy several months ago.  Someone had broken into one of their administrative offices and stolen four computers.  Although they said everything was "password protected" and "encrypted", I don't freaking care, do you know what that letter said was on those computers???  All of my identity information - social security, date of birth, address, you think of it, it was there, just think of ALL the information you give to a hospital before you have a surgery.  O-M-G.  That was probably a two hour call going over everything medical with a nurse in my entire life and in every aspect of my physical and mental health.

But that's not all, if you're following the story you've already GUESSED what else the thief of those computers have which freaks me out *more*.  My medical information.  Tied to my name, social security number, address, the list goes on.  They were saying "your medical records were not there but diagnosis, medical codes, insurance info was contained on those computers...", but that doesn't matter!  Like I said, maybe they don't have any actual hand-written or computer typed medical notes from my doctor, but I spent a good part of an afternoon on the phone with a nurse who was documenting all of my psychiatric and physical issues, it was ALL THERE, no notes needed!  Before a major surgery, they get incredibly detailed and specific, I mean...this call went on for HOURS.  I didn't even think when I started the call there would be HOURS of medical information about myself to give them!

Yes, I totally freaked, is that abnormal?  Is that not the right response?  So, what is their resolution?  To give me a year of identity theft protection "complimentary".  And instruct me to be diligent on identity theft for the next 24 months at least.  But...this happened in JULY, this is now SEPTEMBER!  What the hell were they waiting for to tell me?  I should have been told RIGHT AWAY!   

I probably protect my medical condition EVEN MORE than my identity.  Sad but true, although they run pretty neck and neck as far as my careful protection of both. 

I'm just totally wigging out, my computer is about to die, not even going to spellcheck.

Another 5k down

I *really* did not want to go, not at all, but I went to the 5k race I had signed up for weeks ago, my  husband coming along for the 10k I signed him up for.  (Great wife, huh?  Ha!)  I wasn't feeling it, but as always, I got very anxious and then had diarrhea and it is so incredibly nasty to have that in a portapotty!  In case anyone is wondering, no, of course I do not sit down, and it is very...awkward? The ear piece on my ear buds somehow feel INTO the portapotty after I was done and for a brief moment, I looked into that nasty hole to see if I could see it and "fish" it out, but then that idea quickly, quickly subsided!

My goal was to get my 5k time under 33 minutes, but my original goal, and I hadn't set a date for this and had NOT planned to get there right now, was to eventually run a 5k in 33 minutes.  That's not that fast, but a big improvement from any time I've ever had.

When I'm running in a race, I pay a lot more attention to things that I struggle with, but even MORE to what struggles other people have. I'm just trying to gauge myself against others because it's the only chance I get to do that, but also see what happens to them that I could work on myself.

In every race, for the life of me, I have never been able to figure out why some people struggle so much with hills.  From behind them, it is clear they are totally not doing well making it up a steep hill, many will fall back and I'll pass them, and a few will simply get so tired they will walk for a bit. 

Yes, there were some very steep hills on this run, but that's not abnormal, I think they do that on purpose actually because the steepest hills always seems to be right before the finish?  So it occurred to me suddenly!  No, steep hills are not my favorite either, but I run a few steep hills every time I run so I know it's just a matter of "shifting gears", so to speak, and challenging yourself not to change your pace.

BUT!  If I only ran on a treadmill, didn't run with an incline or just a small one, yes, those would be next to impossible to do.  Those muscles would not be strengthened to run hills, I can feel completely different muscles being used when I am running up a hill.  So, in my mind, mystery solved, but also, an agenda added!  Eventually (not NOW!) I need to add steep incline training on my treadmill.

So it was this steep hill - I was running up it, knowing the end was near, and then I saw the finish line counter: 32 minutes just about to roll over to 33.  I could hear the voice in my head yelling in slow motion "Noooooooooo!" I finished around 33:08 with about a 10:45 minute pace?  I'm unsure how to do the calculation and they didn't have it for me, but under 11 minutes.

I was upset at myself, failing by 8 seconds.  But on the positive side, my first 5k in September 2011 time was 43 minutes, and sadly, that was all running, no walking.  Mark reminded me my pace was around 13 minutes for the 8k Shamrock Shuffle just last April, so big improvement there as well.  AND, of course I just had a hysterectomy not that long ago and have only been running again since July, so...I decided to count this as a victory.

Another interesting observation!  Now that I'm at a faster speed, the people that are running around me "look" like they are at a much better fitness level than the people that were around me in the past.  It was like before, people were just learning to run to lose weight, you know?  Which is AWESOME by the way, it's the whole reason I started running.  But now it appears that I'm competing with more athletic people in comparison, if you want to say I'm "competing" with them, I'm really not.  I have a time in my head I'm trying to beat, not them. 

Mark, as usual, was his awesome self.  He ran the 10k with a 7:02 pace, I just can't even imagine running that fast!  Sadly, that didn't even get him a medal.  He came in 4th in his age group.  So close yet so far!  He is so, so hard on himself.  No matter how well he does, he is never satisfied.  He sulks forever after a race.  Maybe we both do and then we are both each other's cheerleaders, sulking about our own time yet able to see how well the other did.

So...I'm undecided.  Another 5k in September or October before what I am ACTUALLY training for in November - a 10k under 60 minutes?  I don't know.  It's good practice running on unfamiliar territory, a different time of the day, getting used to running with other people, trying to get around them or get out of their way. 

As far as being tired, we came home, showered, went to lunch, then I came home and slept until it was time for dinner.  I felt the familiar "exhaustion" feeling sweep over me.

I have no idea what is wrong with me.  No, my blood test isn't until Wednesday, two days away, but maybe nothing is.  I didn't even go to the doctor for being tired because my therapist told me not to, it was a medication issue.  That still makes me pretty mad though - my asking her if I should see a doctor and her saying no.  WHAT would it have hurt for me to go a family doctor?  Why would you ever tell anyone no, you don't need to see your doctor?  She never knew to ask me all of the other symptoms I didn't even realize I had that my family doctor asked me, so how could she know?  If something is wrong with me, I'm not going back to her.  I'm pretty angry about that.  If I have something that needs to be treated and could have gone to see my doctor so much sooner instead of waiting to go because I pee'd my shorts when I ran, I will be so much more mad than I am now.

But...I'm kind of back to explaining away to myself all of my symptoms to what I was explaining them away to before.  Yes, I'll go get the blood test, but my hopes aren't high that I have anything that can be treated.  I feel like I just need to suck it up, not to be a baby, and get on with my life already.  Why in the world I am unable to do that, I don't know, but I've got to FORCE myself, whatever the cost.

*We* ARE The Champions!

This goes out to all the peeps with mood disorders, because it can be hard, but we keep on fighting, day after day, and we are winning, although it doesn't always seem that way.

"We'll keep on fighting, TILL THE END!"  To whomever is reading this with a mood disorder, although we may not know each other, I'm in your corner. : )

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