Faking a Smile with a Coffee to Go

I decided not to try not to be a "victim" anymore, It seems like I always feel that this person did this to me and that person did that to me.  I sent an email back to the girl I reached out to because I thought she was suicidal and she responded by asking me for money.  She actually wrote back and apologized, but now I have NO idea what to say to her.  I felt safe in sending that response to her because I had no idea she would respond and apologize, I thought I'd never hear from her again, and now that I have, I'm at a loss.  I don't really want to continue the relationship right now and get all involved in her apparently overwhelming emotions, yet I don't want to break ties either.  She ended her message by asking how I was, but only after I had said it was years since we had talked and after I had sent HER a message because I thought she was suicidal.  Yes, she did ask how I was doing in her response, but after I complained about it?  No, she doesn't care and that's okay with me, I said what I needed to say. And what am I going to say anyway?  Guess I shouldn't have said that to her when I have no intention of telling her and it seems dumb to say "I'm okay, thanks".

I've been doing better, actually getting bored sometimes now.  The last time I saw my counselor I told her about the recruiting offer I got, to work with my husband's friend and it would just be from home and wouldn't take much time I don't think.  She thought that was an awesome idea and also thought it would be more in line with my personality than what I've been going to school for.  That would involve virtually no socialization all day, or at least a small amount, but being a recruiter again would involve a lot of interaction with people.  For some reason she thinks I have such a pleasant personality and am good with people. Then again, isn't that kind of what I pay her to do, to to build me up?  Help me feel better about myself?  I always think people have ulterior motives because...they usually do.

For the longest time, it started when I was a teenager, I have always tried to be EXTRA nice to strangers.  Not all sugary, but I've always thought...what if someone was having a horrible day and just by being nice and smiling at them and looking in their eyes, what if that changed their day to a better one?  What if that simple interaction was the only good interaction they had gotten in awhile?  I know that sounds so ridiculous, but hasn't everyone felt that way at some point? Maybe it's dumb and people could care less, but surely people at LEAST prefer someone is polite?  I may feel like total crap and so depressed, but that doesn't mean I should not try and make other people feel better, I know I would appreciate it.  That's why I like that line in the song "Bad Day" that says, "faking a smile with a coffee to go."  Sure, sometimes it's not so genuine, but that isn't my purpose, it's not about me, at least I don't think?

My emotions have still been all over the place, but not as often and the emotions aren't nearly as intense.  That must be progress.









   

4 comments:

lynn said...

If you don't want to break ties completely, I think it would be OK to say, "I'm OK, thanks." That would ensure you don't cut off all communication but it doesn't really invite a response.

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn, that's a great idea. I don't know what I would say after that, though. Just that?

lynn said...

If you don't want to initiate further conversation right now, I'd just say, "I'm OK, thanks. I appreciate your asking." That doesn't sound rude but it doesn't lend itself to further chatter, if you don't want that right now.

KansasSunflower said...

Lynn - after you posted that, I really considered doing that and intended to do so. But then so much time had passed, I felt weird about it, so I just didn't respond. This whole family just really makes me nuts!

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